Happy Chinese New Year!!

The long-awaited break had come and I will be heading back to Singapore in a few hours time. Once again, I gonna say - time really flies :)

I didn't go out to visit many relatives. Opted to stay home most times. Not that I need to do work (yes i actually need to, but just too much inertia to do so), I wanted to rest that much. Jaded by work? Not really. Not to that extent yet. It's just that, at some points of your life, you'd wish to just halt for a second and let the brain go dead for that second.

Lately I've been running away from many things.

I haven't found time to sort the things out yet. So many things to sort out, all wired up in my brain, yet I don't have the time to unwire all of them. I didn't dare to un-wire them abruptly or do so in a rush (i am always good at doing things in a hurry mode), because they are important elements/ things to me, and I don't want to ANYHOW deal with them.

I need to find time.

Yet deadline is my most imminent enemy these days.

Had just finished one case presentation last Tuesday - The patient in ICU. I briefly mentioned him a couple of posts back. The presentation was well done and I really got a lot of good comments. I felt relieved. Really. I knew I was digging my own grave when doing this case, yet I couldn't let it go - because of the expressions of the mom and son. Although he passed away, eventually, deep down in my heart - I know I've learnt a lot from just this "encounter".

Back to the deadlines - pre-reg is ending soon.

Next Monday I'll be taking the Board Exam. I will get my license - if I pass the exam.

Then it'll be pre-reg project presentation few days after the exam - not even 30% done and I am so gonna vomit blood already.

Next will be the write-up.

Then the learning log - I really am quite sick of all these :(

And it's so easy to forget who's in control when things get busier.

God seems to be the last in my mind - yet He's always the first to hold my hands all the time.

Such an unfaithful me lately.

This is so human. Suddenly I am disgusted by myself. Because I assume one of the characteristics which I detest most in my entire life so far - To take people for granted, especially the one whom love you most.

This is so me - when things get busier, I became thrifty with my prayers and communication with God. I couldn't even attend my regular church meetings - and how could I have done that?Those are the only times that I get strengths to renew to live my life.

So I am practically a walking zombie.

I feel so far from the spirit.

Gosh, God.

I need to take things One step at a time.

If I say, "My foot slips,"

Your Mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.

Psalm 94:18

BOO!

Doing work after work is difficult. Lately, I rarely get to do proper work once I reach home. I am too tired. Have been forcing myself to sleep early so that I can recover faster.

First time falling ill. Really ill kind.

I wonder if I have hospital-acquired pneumonia.

Good thing is, I am getting better now. Because of the medicines :)

It's my final week in inpatient, and I am doing surgical ICU yeah! It's a challenging place I must say. Each patient is so delicately handled by so many professionals and I always wonder if that patient can make it out of the SICU.

Luckily I have Adeline orientating me to SICU. Too many monitors and too many lines poking in and out of each patient. Learning to interpret the numbers and charts are challenging, but I am

quite happy to see all these myself this time round. I have always seen them from the TV, and now I am seeing these in real life, right in front of me! Feeling kinda excited, yet intimidated at the same time. Wish me luck :)

7 patients in SICU. My heart felt for this particular patient. A very unfortunate young gentleman. 29 yo. I have decided. I want to learn to manage this patient (so much to learn from Ad of course)! Gonna make him my case study for presentation. :)

Yet, I am not studying now. Brain is fried I guess. Today has been an intensive day for me. Was doing discharges with kelly, HY, jo and 2 other PTs until 3.15pm. Yet working with them are really enjoyable :) Although we ranted a lot (me too!! :D ), it's just one way of encouraging each other to keep the spirit up, and not to be daunted by the pilling discharges in front of us :) Because there were so many discharges, the fax machine was jammed and the ward supplies because of that. I felt like a phone operator the whole time. It was really very stressful handling phone calls and doing discharges on the computer at the same time. Can you believe it? The s3 phone battery went flat totally for a couple of times! Nonetheless, it was quite fun :D

1-2 weeks back, I had a chance to meet up with my good old friend daniel. Thinking back,

that was the very first time we spent such long hours together. 10 years of friendship yet we rarely had time for each other, because we were always busy at one time or another. Distance is

another problem I guess. Soon he'll be heading back to Aussie for his master, I am so excited for you friend! :) Don't worry about whether this is the right way to go, because wherever you'll be, God's favour is always with you :)

We had a nice dinner at a Spanish restaurant in Clarke Quay. It is really a nice place with good LIVE music. Being a gourmet, daniel really ordered the nicest food I believe :) It was a good night, and I know that it will be another 10 years before we can sit down like this again haha!

Met up with my TJC schoolmates last friday. Henry is flying back Aussie this friday, can't believe that he has been back for almost 2 months. I only got to meet up with him twice because of my schedule and his missionary trip. HENRY i am sorry :( we will res-

erve the UP to some other time yea? Appreciate him to coordinate the class gathering. It has always been the few of us all these years. My class then wasn't big to start with. only 21 students in the class if I am not wrong. Geraldine, Jan are my good friends in JC last time. Life has been so colourful because of them :) Somehow, I wish I have more time. I guess 3 of us have been too busy as time goes by. A citi gal, a teacher, and a pre-reg pharmacist. It has always been difficult to find a right time to meet up!! After pre-reg, iam so gonna do something about it! >_<

Lastly, let's give thanks for what we have today, and remember Haiti in our prayers.

MC day

I must say, I am feeling quite sad to take mc and miss one day of my inpatient rotation.

This is my 2nd last week in surgical wards, and I am starting to miss it already.

Yesterday I was sos-ed to help s3 again. I like it do you know? I like running to medical wing to help out with dispensing and doing discharges. S3 is a very familiar place to me. Although we deal with geriatrics and general medicine there, I like this medical wing loads because the feeling when you step in there is different.

I was doing one discharge that was almost 100% similar to my viva question last month. Epilepsy and phenytoin. The titration of phenytoin doses and monitoring of the levels, as well as many components in the management of epilepsy, which I was so not good at before I started out as a pre-reg, have slowly become better over time. Sometimes, I really am amazed by God's works. Without me knowing, He has strengthened my clinical knowledge bit by bit. I really feel very blessed, because He always places me in situations where I could learn, and with people who are willing to teach and share knowledge with me. Sharon and Adeline are always busy yet whenever they are with me, they will ask me qns and share with me certain things which really stimulate me to dig deeper and to want to know more. Huiyie, siska are very nice seniors who always give me opportunities and encourage me to do what I think it's right; and dear joanne is really adorable because she teaches me a lot about managing a patient in all ways and I really am grateful to follow her these 2 weeks. All in all, I must say, I feel very blessed :) God always works in the most practical way!

Lately, I have been collecting a couple of interventions. These interventions are very important to me, because it has doctor's handwritings on it :) Sometimes, while reviewing wards, when I saw some drug-related problems that deserved intervention, I will write a note to the doctor i/c. Some doctors will reply and explain and thank you - and I really feel very touched when they bothered to reply me and thank me! It just gave me a stronger sense of teamwork :)

Back to yesterday, when I was in ward 3, I saw an old lady, in her 70s, looking really sad. Her eyes were tearing, she was standing at the corner of a patient's bed, her eyes looking across the cubicle, staring at that particular bed which was "cordoned off" by the blind. If I didn't guess wrongly, the team was resuscitating her poor old frail husband. So she was just standing there, her heart must had been really worried and sad. I saw her clenching her fists, trying hard to stand still. I can see tissues in her hands. I so wanna approach her to give her a hug. Yet I didn't dare to because my eyes were tearing too. I suddenly thought of my mother. In 10 years time, when none of us are by our parent's side, will she be like this old auntie, having to bear all agony by herself and there's nothing that she can do except to pray.

Sometimes it's such an irony. It's so ironic that you are dedicating your life to save others' lives but not your family's. Ever since I started working in inpatient, I kept imagining, trying hard to picture, how was it like when dad was hospitalized for arrhythmia the other time. He didn't tell any of us. The worst thing was none of us knew about it when that happened. Because we were all not by his side. My mom must had felt very very horrible then. I can so imagine it. Being an emotional woman, she must had been afraid, like this old auntie too.

Have you ever had this sense of guilt towards your parents?

I just hope I have more time.

The Past and Present :)

Happy New Year to all :)

Not sure if you have this habit, whenever it's year end, I will normally spend quite some time thinking about what had happened throughout the entire year, and my prayer topics for the coming year. It's our tradition to share our new year prayer topics each year, but it has slowly become part of me to do so. The prayer topics for the coming year are very important, because they set the blueprint for the year and no matter what happen in future I will always fall back onto the blueprint.

During the last few days of 2009, I made myself think through the events happened in 2009 and how God has been leading me. If you ask me, I would say, I see different sides of the same God in 2009.

I saw Him patiently waiting for me when I said I couldn't. And when I relapsed, I still saw Him patiently waiting for me to surrender myself.

I saw Him making me courageous. He gave me guts to never look back.

He's the most comforting God I've ever experienced. Because admist my struggles, He stood by and listened, and secretly gave me seen and unseen presents through my friends, church, and family. Because of all that He had done and will continue doing, I feel so loved, pursued, important, liberated, and confident now.

Things become so much easier when you just face God in all that you do. In your workplace, at home, when you're out with friends, things become better when you choose to face God only and not man. That's the greatest lesson learnt for me, and I will never want to exchange this with anything in this world.

A quick glimpse of my 2009 prayer topics:

(1) Have faith in God - because faith is believing in something you cannot see

(2) Learn to observe and uncover God's will in every situation

(3) Be joyful not because I try hard to do so, but because nothing is more important than the absolute fact that God is with me all the time and that suffice

(4) Be a source of blessing

I can't say I have achieved 100% of them, but I am thankful that at least I achieved 60% of them :)

So my prayer topics for 2010 are:

(1) Continue to explore what God wants to build in me - because I realize that God is destroying something in me and want to rebuild something new. My character mainly, because I am 23 years old already and somehow, God wants me to grow up and be a real lady.

(2) Be an atypical woman. I used to be a typical woman who only pursues what a normal woman wants or needs. But through some key people in my life, I've been consistently told that that shoe size doesn't fit me.

(3) With whatever conditions in me - to live out God's perfect will

(4) Family gospelization

Do you believe that in every man's life, there's this huge gate. The existence of this huge gate bothers you because it doesn't open no matter what, yet you yearn to crash this gate and open it. This gate is like a nagging problem in your life now. It bothers you much. It could be a relationship problem, financial or family problem. This is something so close to your heart and once triggered, it will affect your thoughts, your mood, and even your way of living.

I once had such a gate too. Truthfully, I am grateful for the existence of this huge gate. I needed the gate then, for I was too proud to surrender. This huge gate gave me a reason to need God. And God used the same problem to teach me lessons about life and loving others. Somehow, I can't remember how and when, I no longer prayed to change the problem. I realized that a problem is no longer a problem when you put it before God and wrestle with Him. I needed that to reformat my life.

One day the gate just opened, just like how the Red Sea separated before the Israelites.

And the darkness was over, because the light is here :)

Next time, when I face another gate, I will use another tactic - that's how the Jericho wall was broken down. :)

Updates :)

A little updates on what I'm doing these days.

I am in surgical wards these days. These wards mainly look after patients undergoing surgeries. To be honest, I have never seen so many gory images until these weeks. I have seen how blood oozing profusely out of the wound sites, pus, stoma etc... Because in this particular ward, you will come across many amputations. Many gangrenous foot - mainly diabetic foot, which have progressed until the point of no return and the only way to save the patient is to cut away the limb. So you have any friends/ family members who are diabetics, please ask them to be obedient to their medicines and diet - for the complications diabetes can bring are too much - it's beyond what a family can bear at times. If you have foot ulcer - seek treatment immediately, because if you don't, bacteria will colonize and as time goes by, you can no longer retain that part of your body.

Yea, so the most common things I came across lately will be diabetic foot, amputations, fractures, and many more. I must say, learning curve is steep, yet I am loving it because things are starting to piece together and I have many people who are willing to teach me :)

Another big blessing that God has bestowed upon me lately is Mayi - she has officially joined me in this project and having someone to share the load really make things so much more breathable. Really hope that this project will work out well - and I know it will. Mayi, if you're reading this, I just want to say thank you for being my partner and doing this together with me. :)

Me and my siblings went for a fabulous dinner last wednesday. There's this Japanese BBQ restaurant in CHIJMES - Gyu-Kaku! It's really nice. It is quite expensive but the food is really good - we ordered the beef that's imported from Japan instead of Australia and it's AWESOME!! Love the mushroom, the meat, the vege, the kimchi soup, the beer and the wine! Beef with wine is perfect combination I must say :) Although I was a little giddy after 2 glasses of red wine and some beer, I really enjoyed my night with my siblings. My brother got me a GUCCI RUSH perfume - aren't you surprised? :) My sister got me a hair clip and a tumbler because she sees me binging on caffeine and I lost one sometime this year. How thoughtful! :)

Yesterday

This is one of my favorite songs lately. Been listening to it over and over again. Would like to share it here :)

Hey, if you're reading this - just wanted to let you know that I am well. God has been faithful to me, He never let me bear more than I could. Though I am still in a process, I am fine. When I am weak, I am never weak in others' eyes because He strengthens me. My greatest consolation is that I can keep on living like this because He loves me.

And today, as I sat down in prayer, I think about you again. So once again, I put you into His hands and I wish you're having christmas in your heart every day :)

Merry Christmas :)

It's Christmas again. Soon it'll be 2010. When I was in primary school, my teacher taught me how to write dates on all our exercises. I remembered writing 1993. I was then thinking "Wah, when will I hit 2000?" It is just funny that when I were a kid I didn't think I will grow up so quickly. And now I'm a grown-up, yet I feel like writing 1993 again.

Time flies. And sometimes I don't even feel it passes me.

I feel like I have been through a lot this whole year. There's this huge force trying to destroy me completely this whole year. Everything about me, within me, are targeted in every way. I feel destroyed many times too. Crushed is the word. Yet this force is still there. Because the work has yet to be done.

Sometimes, it's not that you want to be blessed, it's just that somehow, you're forced to receive that blessing.

Just beyond words could tell.