Call me to Wake Up

Realized that it was January when I last posted something here. Sometimes I wonder what keeps people continue blogging/ writing diaries? As for me, I think it's because I want to talk to someone that's why I write. Yet I can't seem to find the best person to voice out my thoughts. Or rather, I can't seem to find a right time to talk to the right person about the very right thing that I want to talk about.

Honestly, there's been an explosion of thoughts and emotions in me over a span of 3 months.

Would like to ask a simple question. Have you ever prayed for a dying person/ a person who's just announced dead with a fearful heart? or.. Will you be afraid that the person who's just passed away suddenly jerk and open his eyes widely and stare at you while you're praying for him?

I felt a whole lot of these awhile ago.

And if one really probe deeper, why would one has such a fearful heart?

Answer is simple - because you think you might have done something wrong to the person.

I felt awful. It didn't occur to me that the situations will take such a sharp turn. Uncle had a very bad infection that could possibly take his life away but he responded to the more potent antibiotic which was given over a course of 2 weeks. The team was planning for step down care/ discharging to nursing home already when the situation suddenly turned quite bad. Very bad.

Perhaps I should have realized it sooner. Perhaps certain things should be pointed out much earlier. But he only came under my care on Monday when I managed to point it out on Tuesday. Did a lot of literature search but perhaps it's really too late to even do, or stop, anything.

Walked past the room and saw palliative nurse attending to him. Palliative = end of life. The blood pressure was low at 50 systolic only and we all know we're losing him.

Felt horrible really. Uncle is a christian. The son is a musician and no one sees it coming. Shock is the word. Son didnt want daddy to die alone. He was rushing over very soon. The palliative nurse, being a very kind soul, played christian songs at background.

Uncle appeared peaceful.

Felt so sorry for him - for the pain, for the what if's, for the no one around at that point of time.

I didn't know if he's conscious enough to know that God's with Him.

I hoped he didn't feel alone and knew that God's there with Him.

My heart urged me to whisper a prayer near his ear. I did - but honestly, I didn't know what to pray except to reassure uncle that he's safe in God arms and he fought a good journey in this carnal world. Shame on me. More shameful that this is, a part of me felt that I could have done more for him, thus feared that he'll blame me.

After praying for uncle I left the room. Couldn't take the emotions.

Kept asking why I had those apologetic feelings. Perhaps it's because I think I can do a lot for him, and may be to all my patients when the fact is, there's nothing that I can do for anyone at all in this world because I'm nothing of that kind of capability.

I am not God, I am not the one who created all the things on earth including humans. The guilt came because I thought I could have done something for him. Because I'm have some pathetic knowledge about drugs and disease I thought I could have helped.

But those knowledge that I acquired cannot save souls and it drowns away mine. I have been blinded.

When was the last time I seek guidance from God while at work I asked. I can't seem to remember. Such a joke. I have been working for myself, thinking that I can save the world when I should turn to God and not myself for every patient that I review - because it's only then that I can serve God at work and see how He uses me at work. I did not even seek His perfect will in every situations that come my way. All I did was to feel lousy, angry and sorrowful.

Such a fool.

Today

I went for a jog around my estate after work today. Attempted to leave on time because I shouldn't stay any further. I have a secret place now! Next time if you jog with me, I'll bring you there!

Today there's a drama in my ward.

I stepped into the ward after lunch and I heard someone crying very badly.

Voice of an old lady. She was sitting on a wheelchair. She was wearing hospital clothes. Foul smells. And she was crying very badly beside a bed.

The bed. An old uncle. Non-communicative. Toxic looking. Barely able to respond to her cries.

And she kept crying and crying.

When I probed further - the story goes like this.

Once upon a time, an old couple was admitted to the same hospital. Uncle was very sick. Auntie wasn't any better. But because of bed crunch, they were separated into different wards. Old auntie didnt want to leave old uncle. She kept crying and crying saying that she wanna be by his side. She was told that even in the same ward, both of them won't be in the same cubicle anyway because of gender issues.

But she kept crying and crying in her ever fluent Hokkien, asking people not to separate them. And she refused to be pushed away. Denied any treatment to the source of the foul smell coming from her leg.

The drama continued after I left.

Life. is. so. fragile.

Life. is. so. helpless.

They need God.

How?

Refine My Heart

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in Him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

1 John 2:15-27

Oft times when life is giving, and bounty I receive,

I put my trust in earthly things; To sinful ways I cleave.

But when in faith I fix my eyes on Thy celestial Throne,

I then bow ashamed at my vain pride and worship Thee alone.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

for I am as one undone;

my voice can only praise Thy name and worship Thy dear Son.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

my lips tho' unclean shall sing,

"Lord, purge my sin, refine my heart,

for mine eyes have seen the King"

Lord, I give myself a vessel;in Thy service I will be;

I hear you ask,"Who'll go for us?"Lord, Here am I, send me.

I will proclaim Thy cleansing blood 'till all the world has heard.

And salvation's lamp will burn so bright through the power of Thy Word!

Woe is me, Woe is me,

for I am as one undone;

my voice can only praise Thy name and worship Thy dear Son.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

my lips tho' unclean shall sing,

"Lord, purge my sin, refine my heart,

for mine eyes have seen the King"

We sang this song in Church camp last year. Today, we sang this song during worship and I had this nagging feeling within me that kept telling me that this has to be my prayer.

Woe is me.

Perhaps it's the messages preached in church these months that cut to my heart for they have been so densely focussed on the matter of our heart and spirit. I'm truly thankful, for I know this is exactly what a seemingly already numbed heart should know and re-embrace.

You know, I've been in a season of numbness for the past few months. I have been well, okay with my life - and because of that I felt that I've not been hearing from God. I always have this thinking that it's so much easier to experience and get intimate with God in times of trials but it's so much harder to even feel His presence in times of comfort. The former made one helpless and therefore needs to draw strength from God; but the latter made one becoming more complacent and doesn't see the need to draw strength from God.

I was the latter. And I hated it.

I blamed it on Him, for He took away the trials that once made me come closer to Him.

But I have been so wrong and I regretted so so much.

Didn't know such mistake can hurt the heart so so much.

Didn't know such thinking that 'it's harder to experience God when life is easy' can discount so much grace that I could otherwise have received.

I should have prayed when life has been kinder to me.

But I lost the momentum to seek Him when things become easier.

I lost the communication bit by bit when He's there all along, ready to echo my prayers. All I know was to blame it all on the numbness - so conveniently.

Shall just let bygones be bygones. Suddenly realized that relationship with God doesn't have to be a roller coaster and life doesn't have be to filled with trials and sufferings to know that God's real. Relationship with God is real, even without those packages of additives. Just like 爱情不是轰轰烈烈`的故事；而是平平淡淡的陪伴.

Actually, to be able to walk with Him, and to experience Him even in the seemingly normal and eventless day, can be the most blissful thing on earth.

My Heart, Your Home

Last week, in church, Shiya was sharing with me some of the nice songs from her iphone. She mentioned about certain songs she likes from Women of Faith.

A couple of minutes ago, I was just randomly searching for some other songs from Women of Faith and suddenly this video clip caught my attention.

I knew this song when I was 13 years old. That time I wasn't a believer. My good friend Esther and Stephanie kept playing christian songs in the school and somehow, my curiosity towards God grew.

Before I left for my studies here, they lent me a couple of cassettes mainly from Hillsong.

One of the songs that managed to pitch a tone in my heart was this song.

I didn't know why it intrigue me back then. I just felt a deep sense of calling.

What kind of calling? Called to do what?

I wasn't sure then.

But as I was listening to this song again, suddenly, a deep sense of comfort and serenity overwhelmed me. I'm just thankful I think. For God has done all He could to search me through and through and made me His.

If anything, or for everything, that I've lost words for prayers, may this song be my prayer then.

Come and make my heart Your home

Come and be everything I am and all I know

Search me through and through

Till my heart becomes a home for You

A home for You, Lord

A home for You, Lord

Let everything I do open up

A door for You to come through

And that my heart would be a place

Where You want to be

Welcoming 2011

Happy New Year to you, who still come by to read and know more about me :)

I have not been writing for quite awhile. Sorry for the lack of updates - have been quite busy lately.

I've finally moved into my home sweet home :)

I have the best christmas gift in 2010 - we invited our church friends to our house for caroling on christmas eve. I am glad that I am sharing part of my christian living with my friends. I hope that it's one step closer to my 'not afraid of sharing to others what I believe in'.

How have you been?

Do give me some updates about yourselves too k?

Weird enough, I was told that I'm the on-call this week. On-call on first week of new year - how cool is that? A bit of fear - if you've seen me doing on-call, you'll know that the adrenaline will overwhelm me whenever the on-call phone rings. Oh well, I guess it's part of growth. I'm sure God will shadow me well, if I stop and pray first, and not be overwhelmed by the enquiries.

Today, something, or rather a situation sort of affected me.

I don't know why the feeling just lingers in me for a very long time.

I hope it goes away soon.

I was very close to wanting to talk to someone about it when I just made myself quiet down and pray.

I was just being very quiet. And I thank God, because I turned to Him first.

Sometimes, turning to God first, can be the hardest thing to do. I am grateful for this baby step.

I was just telling Him - Oh God, this feeling doesn't come from You. It should go.

Why dwell and let the matter affect my spirit and emotion when I don't even know about tomorrow.

I felt a bit better.

The residual feeling still linger.

I know God will take care of it.

Cheerio to myself who chose Him first.

Hello!

Hello world :)

Felt like it's been awhile. Been busy with the move.

Just wanna drop by and say hello :)

I have been well.

God's been gracious to me :)

Amen :)

A TULIP for you :)

For a greater meaning underneath..

Facing the Giants

Do you know what's the giant within you?

Do you know what's the giant that you're facing?

Lately, I was being reminded of a good movie I watched a few years back. It's a Christian movie (Same producer as Fireproof) which I will highly recommend to anyone.

I was reminded of this show because for 4 consecutive weeks, my church sermons have been heavily focussing on the matters of the Spirit and knowing the Giant within us.

Coincidentally, I am also facing a giant and there's a giant of fear come crushing down me lately. I tried dealing with the giant initially, but later I realized that I might not really know who's my giant...

How can one win a battle without knowing who's the enemy or the giant she's fighting against?

So I have to find the giant, and to really face the giant.

Oh yea, maybe I should share with you some quotes from the movie 'Facing the Giants' which touched me, and still do :)

When coach Grant Taylor trying to rebuild his football team, a conversation with his young captain:

Brock Kelley: You don't want us to win games?

Grant Taylor: No. Not if that's our main goal. Winning football games is too small a thing to live for. And I love football as much as anybody. But even championship trophies will collect dust and one day be forgotten. It's just that so far this has all been about us; how we can look good, how we can get the glory. The more I read this book, the more I realize that life's not about us. We're not here to get glory, make money, and die. The Bible says that God put us here for Him. To honour Him. Jesus said that the most important thing you can do with your life is to love God with everything you are, to love others and yourself. So if we win every game and we miss that, we've done nothing. Football then means nothing. So I'm here to present you a new team philosophy. I think that football is just one of the tools we use to honor God.

Brock Kelley: So you think that God does care about football?

Grant Taylor: I think He cares about your faith. He cares about where your heart is. And if you can live your faith out on the football field then yes, God cares about football because He cares about you. He sent His son Jesus to die for us so we could live for Him. That's why we're here. But see, it's not just on the football field; we've got to honor Him in our relationships, our respect for authority, in the classroom, and when you're at home alone surfing the internet. I want God to bless this team so much that people talk about what He did. But it means we got to give Him our best in every area. If we win, we praise Him. And if we loose, we praise Him. Either way, we honour Him with our actions and our attitudes. So I'm asking you: what are you living for? I've resolved to give God everything I've got. Then I'll leave the results up to Him. I want to know if you'll join me?

And one of my favorites:

Grant Taylor: God can do whatever He wants to do, however He wants to do it. And He chooses to work in our lives because He loves us. He's good. Hope today's a milestone for what He can do for the rest of your life if you trust Him.

Today, I felt ministered during prayer meeting when pastor read a scripture from 2 Corinthians, especially when it came to this verse:

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal". 2 Cor 4:16

Shouldn't fear the giant.

Everything is transient except Him, including the giant.