My colleague was on leave one day and I needed to cover her ward. Geriatric Medicine ward (老人科). A ward which I started out as a pharmacist.
I stepped into the ward only to realize much had since changed. The walls have more decorations radiating some warmth to the already ZEN atmosphere. I walked to the end of the corridor to get myself a cup of water, while taking time to have a slow glance of all the patients in the ward.
I saw a poster pasted on the wall of the geriatric ward pantry where family and caregivers can get water from. The four chinese characters caught my eyes. They are very familiar to me because I have the same poster pasted on the wall of my dining room back in KL.
Unknowingly, I started tearing when I read the whole passage.
My father printed this poster 6 years back and pasted it on the dining wall. One day, when I came home during one of my school vacations, he asked all of us to have a read. My heart sank after reading it, for I know I've owed them much. I have been away from home for almost 11 years now. They must have felt lonely and abandoned many times. I understand they yearn to have us accompanying them as much as possible, yet they have never really expressed their innermost desires for fear of hindering our development. We're their everything. But they have an unspoken sorrow and sadness lingering in their hearts because they know that they are not their children's everything. These were my realizations when I read the article in my dining hall that day. They must have been living in fear all this while. They fear their children leaving them. They are afraid of not being loved. They feel alone and might suffer in their illness and die alone.
That day when daddy broke down in front of me - I really felt like dying. I've never heard or seen him crying. It was the first time I realized that my daddy has become so old. So old that he has now given in to sadness. First time knowing what it means by heartwrenching. Daddy wailed with pain. Mommy was crying. Me and my sister too.
我最坚强的爸爸哭了。最最爱我们的人也因他最最爱的人伤到极点了。原来伤了别人的心是很痛的。伤了最最心爱的人其实是很很痛，痛得很想把他的痛快快转移到自己身上。
I was praying that if God could, please take away the sadness.
But the sadness remained.
And the scene kept replaying in my mind every now and then.
Daddy didn't do anything wrong to us. All he has done is loving us in his own way this entire life. To me, he's the greatest father i can ever ask for. I know God's love is unconditional and my daddy's love is although near unconditional, it cannot accept betrayal. However, my daddy's love is sufficient for me.
I remembered daddy being very busy when I was much younger. I remembered daddy worked very hard because he has a mother, a wife, and 5 children. I remembered daddy always appeared in every external competition I took part so that I wouldn't be afraid. I remembered daddy drove 6 hours to singapore and 6 hours back to KL almost every month when I was in secondary school just to ensure I were well, despite spending less than 4 hours with me only.
I also remembered daddy always provides for us even before we ask, because he's afraid that we may be suffering in silence. I remembered daddy feeling sad but didn't dare to show it when he saw me being quite depressed 4 years back. There seem to be too much memories with daddy the great inside.
Honestly, daddy was my sky. He made himself our sky so that he can protect us.
But now, daddy knew that he's not our sky, and that God's our sky. The betrayal, the "my children will not listen to me anymore" and many many more feelings seem to have gripped him and tortured him.
Many times, I kept thinking why would such thing happen to us? Daddy was my pillar of strength, what kind of greater strength can surpass my daddy's love that's already so overwhelmingly powerful? Why do I now call to God for help every now and then and why He is the source of my strength now?
If we have never come to Singapore, perhaps the story will be written in another way. But there's no If, for it's definite and planned for us to be here.
这是恩典之路。
没有来到这里，我就没有单单听到福音的机会。 因为爱爸爸，因为要爸爸真正的快乐，上帝把他心爱的子女带离他。 因为要给爸爸重生和明白重生后的自由和快乐，上帝让我们听到福音，信到福音，不能离开福音， 只因为唯一能震撼爸爸的人，就是他最最最爱的子女。
很多时候，我在想，上帝真的做了很多不能让人理解的事情。为什么上帝能那么样轻轻松松地就超越了爸爸在我心里的位置？为什么有了上帝就似乎失去了爸爸呢？为什么就这样信了上帝了呢？其实我也不知道。至今，我还是觉得是上帝自己来找我，找我的爸爸， 不是我努力去寻找上帝。我很清楚若不是上帝自己的“拯救爸爸的灵，心，身”计划，世上没有任何东西会使我忍心伤害爸爸，我们每个人都是这样。
I think perhaps I can understand what it means by "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."John 3:8
All this while, I've been wanting to tell daddy about my God.
I have been wanting to tell him that I'm really very thankful that God came to find me and made me His child. Because He came to find me, He gave me the ability to understand His thoughts too. Have been wanting to tell daddy that accepting Christ is not about going to heaven after we die, it's about knowing heaven is here on earth even when we're breathing. Have been wanting to tell daddy that I am not afraid of tomorrow because God is holding my hands now and tomorrow and every day, and that's how I passed my every day for the past 10 years.
Daddy, have been wanting to tell you that like you, I am also afraid of loneliness. But every time before I could feel loneliness come near to me, God's love and words fill my heart again and I see angels coming to me and loneliness won't have a chance to have a foothold in my life. I really want to share this with you, so that you needn't be afraid, and know that you've never lost your children all this while. Wanted to tell you that I love you daddy. And God loves you too. His love can overwhelm every good and bad things on earth. His love is unchanging because He is an unchanging God. He gives me peace, and He made a covenant with me. He gave me a reason to live, and show me how to breathe. And He loves me even when I'm a bad girl and when I'm weak. I want you to know Him so badly.
Daddy, I tried reading my old blog posts again. One day, I would love you to read them too. From 2007 to 2011, I tried to read and recall what happened then, and why it happened, and what I've become now. But daddy, as I read, once again, I felt thankful that God's been there all this while to lead, guide, and educate me the path of life and I really think I've grown up. I realize that it's heaven to be able to identify and follow God's voice in my life. It's bliss to be able to reciprocate and being reciprocated. He teaches me what's important in life, how to love people including you, and how to overcome the many strongholds in my life. He extricated me from the many bondages of flesh, likewise, I pray that one day, the bondages in you and the burdens on your shoulder will be released too. Daddy, it upsets me to see how these baggages weigh you down and takes away your freedom. Sometimes, I feel that you're living in hell, for you're so tormented. It's my greatest wish that you can live in heaven even now.
Again, God knows my deepest thought. He knows I'll never be able to be firm in front of my own father. Yet He has known and heard our prayers for our family salvation. If not for this wedding, I think daddy will always be in denial, refusing to face the truth and confront God.
I felt so much better now. I don't want to waste daddy's time anymore. One day, when he's leaving this world and we're still in the same old hesitant state, I know we will blame ourselves for not standing firm to fight the spiritual war. I will be in total despair knowing my dad's soul is lost so Lord, open our eyes and hearts, we want to hear your voice. Give us the courage to bear the pain. Let us carry our father's cross. Assure us once again that our faith will win the war and our parents will be saved. Show us You're still in control. Help our disbelief. Use the pain and sufferings Lord, make us Your vessels to do greater things.
