You and Me

Dear you,

I have a lot of things that I needed to tell you badly. But each time, as I was about to start pouring out, there was a strong force that held me back from telling you everything. In the end, I kept everything inside me again.

Have we drifted apart? If we haven't, why is it so hard for me to feel convinced that you are still here with me. I feel so alone. Yet I feel that I am still alright living alone thus far.

Last friday, my good friend asked me over msn how has my life been. I said fine. Normal. You know, sometimes it just seems to the whole world that my concern is on my job and my job seems to be stressful. And people like to ask me how's my job etc etc... But really, there is no problem with the job, it can be intensive but I love my job. I look tired because it's not easy to wake up at 6 plus every day and always standing and running around throughout the day. But it just seems to people that my world evolves around pharmacy now and it's easier do conversations about job now that you are a working adult.

But seriously?! Job is perfectly ok.

It's you that I am concerned of. I feel that I might have lost you. Could it be possible? We have been through so much together. When I was down, desperate, totally crushed, you stood by me and held me in your arms. You told me that endurance for the acute pain would save me from the impending everlasting agony. I listened to you, because you were all that I had, you were all that I could rely on at that point of time. We were so much closer then. Everytime when I cried, I knew you were there for me wiping away all my tears. Despite the bitterness overwhelming me, I really really knew you were there. Your love was so real then that I could never had missed.

But why is it that I am missing your love so much lately.

No trials, no bitterness or what so ever, ideally, we should be nurturing our relationship. But why is it that I find it harder to hear your voice, feel your touch of love? Must we be bound together by hardships?

Will we make it through the days after the trough? I am scared, getting very frightened that soon I will never be able to get back to where we were. You are always the strongest, the smartest, tell me you will mend it back can you?

Dear you, my heart feels very very heavy. There isn't problems too grave that engulf me, have I taken for granted that you will settle them all nicely and there's no need to worry about anything anymore? I think so. I think I have taken you for granted that you will not let anything, or anyone to harm me. But through this, I am getting more and more complacent.

Remember you told me many months back in November, when I was still a pre-reg, that "giving is always better than receiving" through my encounter with the TB uncle. I still remember him vividly, and I think I love him much. He really had all of my heart. But ever since I dispensed to him at bedside that day, he readmitted twice, and passed away. Do you know why I am telling you this? I really want to remind you the emotions and things we had shared in the past. I wanted to tell you that I so wanna go back to who we were then, because I want to start giving more because I have you, and thus everything.

I know I shouldn't use our Sundays together to gauge how close we are. But I have not been talking to you. Sometimes, I don't even want to talk to you because I cannot seem to feel your presence. Everyday passes by like it's just another normal day, like a solo-me playing the solo piece. They said you are still with me, I know. But I so wish that you make your presence felt. It seems to me that the chance of getting closer to you is higher on Sunday and I know it's wrong. But I cannot help it. :( I have missed 2 sundays - 1 cos I went back to KL, 1 cos I was on duty. I am missing another one cos dad is in town. Sucks do you know? Not that I am the happy person in church, it just feels very suppressing to not be able to do my routine on Sunday.

That day, when people messaged me to check out the good news in my inbox, I had already known it. I know my pre-reg project abstract got accepted by ACCP(

Asian Conference on Clinical Pharmacy 2010)

and I had to do an oral presentation for it on the first Sunday of July. Do you know it sucks totally when people say I should feel honoured and happy because it's a great chance and ACCP is a big event? It really pissed me off then because yet another sunday that I have to miss and really, I didn't want to get accepted and present on the stage. I dislike the idea of competition involved in this. I know I sounded very against the idea of me presenting on ACCP in front of my boss, and people don't get it. I also don't get it. I just don't want, and don't want another sunday missed. Who cares if the hospital is gonna sponsor the registration fees. I know I sound like the president of people with distorted thinkings but seriously?! No.

I know your grace still amazes me. I really know. Dear, it was your grace that pulled me out of my trough. Because of your grace, I can be the most independent girl in most people's eyes now. I know your love and grace have never left me, but i can no longer be dependent on them to live day by day do you understand? They have to become something bigger. They have to transform into a kind of strength that make me able to do more, for you, and for others. Let me live with purpose again will you?

I am sorry. I know I shouldn't get mad at you. But can we start all over again? Must we wait till the camp for this seemingly lukewarm relationship to be rectified? What if it doesn't?

Can you fall afresh on me all over again?

From,

Me

Mistakes

"Everybody makes mistakes. When they do, they will need to have a chance to say sorry, without the fear of retribution."

- Dr Burke, Grey's anatomy

Hello! If you have known me well enough, you should know that I am very into Grey's lately. It's trashy but you get absorbed into it quite easily. I like it, probably because it's all about surgeries and I am dealing with a lot of surgery cases now. Yep I am doing surgical wards. All the cuttings, amputations and weird cuttings are here. Can't say that it's my favorite, it's a lot to learn but they are really interesting! :)

The above quote is from Grey's too. When he said that, it really sinks deep into my heart. Very well said, so applicable in the fictional and non-fictional world.

I want to bear that in mind :) For myself, and others!

p/s: do you have Grey's all seasons? care to lend me? :D

Fireproof Again

I just finished watching Fireproof on HBO. This is my 4th time watching this movie. Surprisingly, I am not at least disinterested or bored despite watching it so many times. Each time the movie touches me differently, or changes a subtle thing in me towards another direction.

I think I can remember almost all conversations in the movie already. It feels weird sometimes to re-watch a movie when you know what are they gonna say the next minute. I must say the actors and actresses in the Fireproof movie are amateurs. Not professionals definitely, but I really appreciate the teachings and messages conveyed through this movie.

I first watched this movie when I was waiting at the Perth Airport. That time, only God knew how troubled and emotionally shaken I were. I used to be always wanting for certain outcomes. People always say what they want to see is the end-product, the outcomes! Often, we want good results. That's the outcome that we yearn for. We want good marriages - that's another outcome that we hope to attain. We want good life - another outcome.

But over the past few years, God has taught me a lot about it's NOT all about outcomes.

If I look into the core of my being, the bottom of my heart, I must humbly admit that I do wish for good outcome too, for certain things at least. Sometimes, I feel as if God is playing a big game with me. Things that I do not wish to have good outcomes turn out the other way round. Yet the things that I wish so badly to have the GOOD outcomes I dreamed about didn't turn out to be so.

But now I realize why the good outcomes didn't come. I had under-looked my process. Each process there's a You in it, each outcome has Your grace in it too. Now that I think about it - No regrets. At least I recall the processes of the not-so-good outcomes and the oh-too-good outcomes. And I also remember that nothing fosters courage like a clear grasp of grace.

Bleah, where were I? Randomness again. Anyways, back to fireproof - it's really a nice movie :)

I first blogged about it in May 2009 when I was in Perth. There's this song (While I'm waiting) in the movie that really touched me a lot.

It's now May 2010..

I think I have at least fireproof-ed myself :)

Running Inspiration :)

Hello world, how are you?

Lately, I feel that I am aging. I get tired easily, feel sleepy easily and get lazy easily too. And I realized that I haven't been exercising regularly.

I did a lot of sports when I was in university but I didn't feel sleepy easily during the lectures. And I could stay up late to finish many many tasks - be it school or non-school related. I then noticed that it's these running/ touch rugby then had unknowingly transformed into a kind of constant infusion of adrenaline, sustaining me through my study years.

But ever since I started working, I exercise less.

I always counsel my patients who have diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol to exercise because it is one of the ways to reduce their risk factors of developing more complications. How much should they exercise? Studies said exercise 3 times a week, each time more than 1/2 an hour. It's easier said than done - TRUE!

They often say it is difficult because of works and other stuff etc etc.

Hence ever since then, I told myself that I should exercise 3x a week . If I can do so despite my busy schedule, then I will have sufficient reasons to convince my patients that if I can do so, why not you?

Time and again, I failed.

But today's gonna be different!

I want to practise what I preach from today. So I will make an effort to exercise 3x a week. I know I will feel less tired if I commit to regular exercise routine because my infusion of adrenaline will come back to me again.

Today I went running at the sports complex. As usual, a mp3 playing the nice christian songs that never fail to keep me going while running. I like the feeling of running and listening to heavenly songs. And it has always been the best time to talk to God while running because I need someone to talk or else I will be bored. However I don't have energy to verbalize my conversation because it will then waste away my energy and make running very strenuous. Talking to God at heart is the best. :)

Many decisions made after every run.

Many blockages became unblocked after each heart-to-heart talk.

That's why I will never think exercising is a waste of time.

It's good for health and good for heart - physically and spiritually :)

I hope you can start exercising and enjoy the simple sweet moments with God through it too :)

Wounded

I really cannot take it anymore. This week has been over-eventful.

Why things have to turn out this way? Why things with good intention will be interpreted as risk and harm?

I really don’t care about what people will think of me. I really did it with good intention.

But it feels so darn awful when things get shot back in the most unexpected manner, and it’s no longer about whether you care what others think of you. Because YOU is now an understatement. It’s the identity you carry along with your name that’s involved now.

I feel really upset God L

I know I shouldn't but I really feel more awful when such things happen, You didn’t leave me alone, neither is Your grace. You once again has proven to me that I am in the right place where You can make me stronger. My heart is wounded, self-esteem crushed, confidence plunged to the bottomless pit - yet the team backed me up as if there's tonnes of spirit backing them up too. The bitter and sweet taste. And warmth.

Thank you for the thoughtful voice.

Thank you for the angry voice scolding me that you'll slap me if I really shed a tear for that matter or person.

Yet when strings of things come to me one after another, is it really not me?

And if it’s me, what could I have done better?

God have you planned all these before hand? If you haven’t then why I have to leave this country at this point of time?

God, if you could, can You ensure that I won’t get into situations that can terrorize people again?I am sufficiently frightened.

The Only Good Inside Your Heart is the Good that Jesus Brings

Good evening folks! Lately, I had the habit of listening to some old christian songs I used to have. Suddenly I came across this song and thought of sharing it here. It's really uplifting.

I think I haven't shared this with you before. I am thinking of signing up medical missionary trip sometime soon. Got this link from sharon, call it escapism perhaps, but I really hope to step out of Singapore to see how God can use me in this field. You might not know, sometimes, it's really hard to reach out when you're a healthcare professionals. A big part of your profession requires you to use drugs judiciously, and find the best treatment for your patients - if the patient wants to be treated. Of course, there will be patients who want to be treated conservatively - ie, DNR (do not resuscitate) when emergency happens.

But when you are a healthcare professional needing to treat your patients with the best therapies you can think of, have you ever thought that you're playing God? At some point of my career (3 weeks only!), I kept asking me if I really am playing God. At some other times when I am really trying very hard, making very vigorous interventions to the doctors to escalate certain therapies, I cannot see God in what I am doing but I can see myself doing what I am doing.But at times, when I really don't know what else can I give to the patient, my heart tells me to commit into our Saviour's hand.

So, being good is just a fable. Even in healthcare.

I have decided,

I'm gonna live like a believer,

Turn my back on the deceiver,

I'm gonna live what I believe.

I have decided,

Being good is just a fable,

I just can't 'cause I'm not able.

I'm gonna leave it to the Lord.

There's a wealth of things that I profess,

I said that I believed,

But deep inside I never changed;

I guess I'd been deceived.

'Cause a voice inside kept telling me,

That I'd change by and by,

But the Spirit made it clear to me,

That kind of life's a lie.

I have decided,

I'm gonna live like a believer,

Turn my back on the deciver,

I'm gonna live what I believe.

I have decided,

Being good is just a fable,

I just can't 'cause I'm not able.

I'm gonna leave it to the Lord.

So forget the game of being good,

And your self-righteous pain.

'Cause the only good inside your heart

Is the good that Jesus brings.

And when the world begins to see you change,

Don't expect them to applaud.

Just keep your eyes on Him and tell yourself,

I've become the work of God.

I have decided,

I'm gonna live like a believer,

Turn my back on the deceiver,

I'm gonna live what I believe.

I have decided,

Being good is just a fable,

I just can't 'cause I'm not able.

I'm gonna leave it to the Lord.

I have decided,

I'm gonna live like a believer,

Turn my back on the deceiver,

I'm gonna live what I believe.

I have decided,

Being good is just a fable,

I just can't 'cause I'm not able.

I'm gonna leave it to the Lord.

I have decided,

I'm gonna live like a believer,

Turn my back on the deceiver,

I'm gonna live what I believe.

When the world laughs at you 2

Hello world, how have you been?

Truthfully, things have not been that good for me in the past 2 weeks. Just wondering, do you find it harder to find God’s grace in the midst of trials or when your life is “smooth-sailing” and monotonously stable?

Anyways, this is already my 3^rd week as an inpatient pharmacist. Today while I was taking train home, I was quite astonished to see my reflection on the MRT train windows. Such a haggard me. Suddenly, I feel as if I’ve blend into the working world. I used to think that I’m different from the other working adults who have been working for years, BUT I realized that I was wrong, I look exactly like any of them, and I dislike it.

Since last week, my ward load has increased from 1 to 2. I have been handling 2 wards and just yesterday, I hit the highest number of beds. Just to put things in perspective, there is no correlation between the number of beds I am handling with the competency or what so ever. It is just natural for inpatient pharmacist to handle an average of 2 wards.

But I think I have not been handling my life well. Last Friday, a sister in my fellowship group shared something that happened in her life lately and a statement she made then really brought me back to reality. She said “when the spirit is right, everything will become just so right”. I guess I am just experiencing the absolute opposite of this statement, that is when the spirit is not right, everything will become so wrong.

Things have been so wrong lately. I don’t know why. Guess which pharmacist had to report 2 e-HOR in 3 weeks? ME! Yeaps, 2 medication-related errors happened in my ward these 2 weeks and even though I wasn’t the one doing it, I am the one who has to face the score when such things happen because I am the ward pharmacist. Actually I didn’t feel things were so wrong even when the e-HOR took place, because I know that errors happened and one happened during a public holidays when the discharges at the main pharmacy was like horribly enormous; and another one happened just to remind us to be more alert to the multiple strengths medication in the pharmacy. Didn’t blame anyone, just that, I am so wow-ed by the frequency of such things.

And I also don’t know why, I seem to have an intrinsic mechanism that attracts all the weird cases to my wards. One Bangladesh patient came in because of fits and it was found that there’s worms in his brain. Rare case for AH but I got it man. Bought in the medicine for him because AH doesn’t keep so many of such medication and in the end, before he’s even completely healed, the employer wanted him to be discharged because of the bills. It took me a couple of phone calls just to persuade the employer to agree to pay for the treatment for this patient and to come down to collect the medicine. Not cheap I have to acknowledge, but it’s necessary. At least he’s willing to buy 2 weeks supply of the medicine, instead of 1 month as prescribed by the doctors.

One day, suddenly I received a call from the ward saying my consultant wanted to PERSONALLY administer IV tensilon to this patient. Tensilon is a medicine used to diagnose myasthenia gravis. It’s an exemption drug, ie not registered in Singapore, hence no hospitals will stock up this item in their pharmacies.. We only kept 1 vial but it was used up the day before, for the same patient -_- SO SO wasted. Wilson helped me to call TTSH, SGH, NUH – ALL of them had 0 stock. I was darn panic that morning, I shouldn’t be. L

Another case - patient needed midodrine for orthostatic hypotension. Again, this is not a usual drug and hence we don’t keep in AH. Oh, first time in my life to come across EBA –Epidermolysis bullosa acquisita also.

Imagine doing all these and reviewing the patients in your wards at the same time. It is so so difficult L It shouldn’t be, if I have time. But it seems like everyday I get to encounter this kinda weird weird stuff and at the end of each day, I really get a real big mental block.

Many times, it felt as if the weight of the whole world is on me. I have been asking myself, why am I so jaded these days? Why do I always look so tired and I seem to have lost the joy that I used to enjoy?

And it’s until Friday that I realized why I am the way I am.

You know, the spirit is not right from the beginning. I have been handling things myself and my mind has always been running too quickly, or trying to think about solutions or how to carry my points to this doctor or that doctor. Things have not been mad. But the severity of the un-mad things has been magnified when the spirit is wrong.

I have been so occupied with things that I forget that He is with me and I can draw strength and wisdom from Him. And why do I have to make myself so tired and worried when He is the one in control and things have not been bad for me, not in the past, not now, and it won’t be in future. The only thing that’s changed is the intensity and frequency of matters that I have to deal with – seems to have increased. But I realized that actually, I don’t need God to give me wisdom to handle them.

Above all these, I really need to seek God and have the right Spirit first before I even start thinking about the problems/ situations. Why is it so hard fix my eyes on the unchanging ONE when I am surrounded with so many things that are changing?

Sigh.