And I really miss you

Daniel just messaged me.

He said Mr Ngooi had passed away.

It came all too sudden I felt very painful within me and still am.

Memories of him kept flashing back and somehow it got more intense.

I miss my Mr Highly Praised so much, and the thought that his sense of humor and wisdom talks are now bygones simply makes the heart feels so painful.

What happened to him?
Where are you Mr Ngooi? Are you in Lord's arms now?

A large part of me felt so regretful. I didn't visit him for the past 3 years. I should have.

I should have sensed his health went downhill when I saw him at sushi king that day.

It's too late. :(

Work. Play. Live

                                           Hello sweetheart.....

                                            Don't worry k... I'll be gentle...

                                                WAHAHAHA........
                                               
                                                                     .*poke*.

                                                ARRRRHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha. Must be wondering why I'm taking these shots huh? No reasons haha!

How's your day?

I have had a good and blessed day. It's just an ordinary Monday but God made it so realistically well-spent. No big happenings actually. Just that when I played the 'rewind' button on my day I felt so joyful and peaceful.

Maybe it's all about communicating with Him.
ICU review was like any other day but the heart felt so light.

Yesterday morning, I was waken up by a sms of someone remotely close. This person was a student who used to do attachment in my hospital while I was a pre-reg pharmacist and for a lot of reasons, I disliked him then. Although he is a Christian I just didn't have a good 'feelings' about him. I simply didn't like him. And he knew it too.

Perhaps we both had our own share of spiritual hardships and growth. Over time, I realized that my attitude towards him softened - because he left the hospital after his attachment; and also because I saw his transformation from a 'seemingly immature boy' to a more sensible guy, gradually more godly?

God changes people.
I deeply believe that. For many instances God has proven this statement true.
In this case, I know that it's not this person that God changes, but it's me that God has changed.

I was once so foolish. To judge people so easily and to think of myself too much. I am not any better than anyone actually. What's gotten into me to have thought of others as inferior and despicable? Shame shame Shame!

Yesterday, he sms-ed me to ask for help. His dad got admitted for a mini-stroke and he asked me who's the pharmacist in-charge of his father. The moment I received the sms from him, surprisingly, I wasn't disgusted by the sender's 'name'. Actually, what God taught me last Sunday did trigger a button in me. A stop and wait, then say,  button.

So I replied and answered all his questions. I knew that he's concerned because he needs to return to the camp in a few days time and his father is just warded to the hospital. We exchanged a few sms-es, prayed for him and the family and he asked if he could look for me today.

Today when I went to see his father, their pastor was at bedside and talking to the family. I then met my 'friend' and updated him, explained the condition, the treatment and rationales of the choices of treatment, and answered all his queries. His father was a bit upset because of his condition but we knew that when the medicine has already been in place, what we should do next is to turn to God and seek Him.

All in all, I just felt thankful. God worked between me and the friend and I'm happy because my friend's comforted.. Because of His presence between us, we forged a bond that's of a different kind. This friendship is so different. To me, it's a friendship that is from God and can only be sustained by Him.

Randomness again haha :)

Greetings!

Hello, how are you?

Sorry for the lack of updates. Don't know if you have such a feeling, but I often feel as if I don't have enough time to rest, reflect and to feel relieved ever since I've become a pharmacist. Sometimes, when the night has come, and I'm on my bed going to fall asleep - I do feel a tinge of regret and sadness for not living well that day.

In medical term - the above-mentioned manifestation could be signs and symptoms of depression. Haha!

Don't worry, I'm not depressed. I'm glad that there're 'emo' moments in me because I'm still a human and there's always the battle of flesh within me. Perhaps it's also for the same reason that I see the continual need to seek God, to pray, and to continue my brethren living although sometimes it could be tiring.

Anyway, just some random thoughts :) Felt bad for having this website up but not running.

I have a new phone! iphone! whee :D

                                                              I miss the guitar in penang :)

So Near Yet So Far

It's 12.39am already. I cannot fall asleep.

He went out of the house an hour ago without his wallet.

And he didn't bring cigarette. That's unusual, because almost 95% of the times, he goes downstairs for his 'wisdom walk' with his cigarettes.

Honestly, I cannot ignore the aura radiated from him the whole day. How should I describe - frustration, worried, pissed etc etc.

The aura felt so negative.

We can sense something brewing.

But he refuses to speak nor share.

Why is it that we are so near, yet so far. Satan is really toying us - really dislike you.

Must something really happen before one comes before You?

Ah... the door's opened. He's back.

Call me to Wake Up

Realized that it was January when I last posted something here. Sometimes I wonder what keeps people continue blogging/ writing diaries? As for me, I think it's because I want to talk to someone that's why I write. Yet I can't seem to find the best person to voice out my thoughts. Or rather, I can't seem to find a right time to talk to the right person about the very right thing that I want to talk about.

Honestly, there's been an explosion of thoughts and emotions in me over a span of 3 months.

Would like to ask a simple question. Have you ever prayed for a dying person/ a person who's just announced dead with a fearful heart? or.. Will you be afraid that the person who's just passed away suddenly jerk and open his eyes widely and stare at you while you're praying for him?

I felt a whole lot of these awhile ago.

And if one really probe deeper, why would one has such a fearful heart?

Answer is simple - because you think you might have done something wrong to the person.

I felt awful. It didn't occur to me that the situations will take such a sharp turn. Uncle had a very bad infection that could possibly take his life away but he responded to the more potent antibiotic which was given over a course of 2 weeks. The team was planning for step down care/ discharging to nursing home already when the situation suddenly turned quite bad. Very bad.

Perhaps I should have realized it sooner. Perhaps certain things should be pointed out much earlier. But he only came under my care on Monday when I managed to point it out on Tuesday. Did a lot of literature search but perhaps it's really too late to even do, or stop, anything.

Walked past the room and saw palliative nurse attending to him. Palliative = end of life. The blood pressure was low at 50 systolic only and we all know we're losing him.

Felt horrible really. Uncle is a christian. The son is a musician and no one sees it coming. Shock is the word. Son didnt want daddy to die alone. He was rushing over very soon. The palliative nurse, being a very kind soul, played christian songs at background.

Uncle appeared peaceful.

Felt so sorry for him - for the pain, for the what if's, for the no one around at that point of time.

I didn't know if he's conscious enough to know that God's with Him.

I hoped he didn't feel alone and knew that God's there with Him.

My heart urged me to whisper a prayer near his ear. I did - but honestly, I didn't know what to pray except to reassure uncle that he's safe in God arms and he fought a good journey in this carnal world. Shame on me. More shameful that this is, a part of me felt that I could have done more for him, thus feared that he'll blame me.

After praying for uncle I left the room. Couldn't take the emotions.

Kept asking why I had those apologetic feelings. Perhaps it's because I think I can do a lot for him, and may be to all my patients when the fact is, there's nothing that I can do for anyone at all in this world because I'm nothing of that kind of capability.

I am not God, I am not the one who created all the things on earth including humans. The guilt came because I thought I could have done something for him. Because I'm have some pathetic knowledge about drugs and disease I thought I could have helped.

But those knowledge that I acquired cannot save souls and it drowns away mine. I have been blinded.

When was the last time I seek guidance from God while at work I asked. I can't seem to remember. Such a joke. I have been working for myself, thinking that I can save the world when I should turn to God and not myself for every patient that I review - because it's only then that I can serve God at work and see how He uses me at work. I did not even seek His perfect will in every situations that come my way. All I did was to feel lousy, angry and sorrowful.

Such a fool.

Today

I went for a jog around my estate after work today. Attempted to leave on time because I shouldn't stay any further. I have a secret place now! Next time if you jog with me, I'll bring you there!

Today there's a drama in my ward.

I stepped into the ward after lunch and I heard someone crying very badly.

Voice of an old lady. She was sitting on a wheelchair. She was wearing hospital clothes. Foul smells. And she was crying very badly beside a bed.

The bed. An old uncle. Non-communicative. Toxic looking. Barely able to respond to her cries.

And she kept crying and crying.

When I probed further - the story goes like this.

Once upon a time, an old couple was admitted to the same hospital. Uncle was very sick. Auntie wasn't any better. But because of bed crunch, they were separated into different wards. Old auntie didnt want to leave old uncle. She kept crying and crying saying that she wanna be by his side. She was told that even in the same ward, both of them won't be in the same cubicle anyway because of gender issues.

But she kept crying and crying in her ever fluent Hokkien, asking people not to separate them. And she refused to be pushed away. Denied any treatment to the source of the foul smell coming from her leg.

The drama continued after I left.

Life. is. so. fragile.

Life. is. so. helpless.

They need God.

How?

Refine My Heart

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in Him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

1 John 2:15-27

Oft times when life is giving, and bounty I receive,

I put my trust in earthly things; To sinful ways I cleave.

But when in faith I fix my eyes on Thy celestial Throne,

I then bow ashamed at my vain pride and worship Thee alone.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

for I am as one undone;

my voice can only praise Thy name and worship Thy dear Son.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

my lips tho' unclean shall sing,

"Lord, purge my sin, refine my heart,

for mine eyes have seen the King"

Lord, I give myself a vessel;in Thy service I will be;

I hear you ask,"Who'll go for us?"Lord, Here am I, send me.

I will proclaim Thy cleansing blood 'till all the world has heard.

And salvation's lamp will burn so bright through the power of Thy Word!

Woe is me, Woe is me,

for I am as one undone;

my voice can only praise Thy name and worship Thy dear Son.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

my lips tho' unclean shall sing,

"Lord, purge my sin, refine my heart,

for mine eyes have seen the King"

We sang this song in Church camp last year. Today, we sang this song during worship and I had this nagging feeling within me that kept telling me that this has to be my prayer.

Woe is me.

Perhaps it's the messages preached in church these months that cut to my heart for they have been so densely focussed on the matter of our heart and spirit. I'm truly thankful, for I know this is exactly what a seemingly already numbed heart should know and re-embrace.

You know, I've been in a season of numbness for the past few months. I have been well, okay with my life - and because of that I felt that I've not been hearing from God. I always have this thinking that it's so much easier to experience and get intimate with God in times of trials but it's so much harder to even feel His presence in times of comfort. The former made one helpless and therefore needs to draw strength from God; but the latter made one becoming more complacent and doesn't see the need to draw strength from God.

I was the latter. And I hated it.

I blamed it on Him, for He took away the trials that once made me come closer to Him.

But I have been so wrong and I regretted so so much.

Didn't know such mistake can hurt the heart so so much.

Didn't know such thinking that 'it's harder to experience God when life is easy' can discount so much grace that I could otherwise have received.

I should have prayed when life has been kinder to me.

But I lost the momentum to seek Him when things become easier.

I lost the communication bit by bit when He's there all along, ready to echo my prayers. All I know was to blame it all on the numbness - so conveniently.

Shall just let bygones be bygones. Suddenly realized that relationship with God doesn't have to be a roller coaster and life doesn't have be to filled with trials and sufferings to know that God's real. Relationship with God is real, even without those packages of additives. Just like 爱情不是轰轰烈烈`的故事；而是平平淡淡的陪伴.

Actually, to be able to walk with Him, and to experience Him even in the seemingly normal and eventless day, can be the most blissful thing on earth.