What is Pain?

Have you ever had nightmares?

Don't know why, I started having nightmares and near to terrors 2 years back. I will have vivid dreams of something that had happened or going to happen, terrified and awakened, and find myself drenching in sweats. And I will be unable to sleep thereafter and keep sweating for the rest of the night.

The repeated contents, the similar dreams, and the seemingly never-ending terror. I know Satan is always toying me around with this.

And I had one on Saturday night again.
No matter how life seems to go on, the ache and pain still linger.
Somehow I thank God for retaining me a glimpse of humanity. For my humanity set others free and I really don't mind bearing the consequences myself. Ironically, I am still able to wake up each day thanking God for the pain, for it is necessary to make me who I am or who I should be. I cannot imagine myself establishing my happiness on others' sufferings.

I must say that God has the most utmost sympathy for me. Besides that matter, He has shown absolute compassion in every other aspects of my life. For example, even though I have been busy with works and sometimes missing fellowships, I still have a bunch of brothers and sisters who will constantly reminding me that they are always there for me for the years that I have left. I have not been devoured by the works or climbing the success ladder, for life is about relationships. Sometimes I wonder why people will sacrifice relationships for money, work, and their own selfish desires. What I can say is, if those things can be exchanged with money, can be bought with money, they are not something you should work very hard for. The glory of success you get from work, the name you yearn to earn for yourself, they are all passing clouds and you can't bring them all when you bid farewell to world.

To continue, even though I am new to the job, and just started dispensing 4 weeks back with my amateur experience in counseling.. but when God sees my sincerity of wanting to give my best to my patients, He rewarded me abundantly. To my amazement, I have patients thanking me for explaining things so clearly to them, the importance of their treatments, the important things to take note of for the medical conditions they are suffering and the medications, I can see the doubts leaving their faces and what remain are 'oh now I know... etc etc..' I am very encouraged when I see that their confusions were gone. And sometimes, I see 1-2 of them coming back to me after paying for their bills, just to thank me. And suddenly I understand that my life is with a purpose, and God can use me to bless others around me, be it patients or colleagues, be it friends or lost friends. I know every single reason why God has meticulously put me in such a place like where I am now, and I'm deeply consoled and become more courageous come what may.

AND I have a very good preceptor whom everyone is envious of. Although we always stay up late to discuss about the project, I will be fetched home by the most awesome MAZDA black car. The conversations, the little transparencies that I could share are really what I deem to be important. What more could I ask when God has carefully selected the most awesome people to be placed around me?

And I have a sister who is consistently showing grace to me. We're buying house soon :) Went to look at a few at bedok south road, but the house is too old and small and we decided to keep searching until God says stop. I really wish to have a house soon because this house will be a place which nobody can kick me away, push me away like how it has been all these years. Sometimes, when people push you away too, home is the best place to hide and cry isn't it? :)

Spent the whole day out yesterday. First was church, then was sentosa and volleyball, last was watching fireproof with the bunch of blessed brothers and sisters. I am so thankful that SL offered to send me home yesterday, and again, for the blow that I had in the morning, God was trying to tell me that He's with me no matter what and as long as He is with me, I do not need to worry.

Come and think of it, I really should count my blessings.
When I need help, Help always comes.
When I need love, Love always comes in different variations which I can easily identify.
When I need to cry, He always listens and whispers into my ears that He knows what's best for me.

At the end of the day, though reluctantly painful, I still must say the pain is good for me.
It draws me to God every single day and it is this unfailing God whom I need most in the storm. The conditions He has placed in me are the best for me. I still have sufficient grace despite the thorn. Living with it for the rest of my life is unbearable, but breaking it down one day at a time seems to make thing more bearable.
When you think you have been through the toughest, suffering the aftermath is nothing, considering you only have that few years left before you bid farewell to world :)
Amen :)


ps: I heard that the movie UP is very nice, if you (anyone!) has time let's go and watch together. I haven't watched movie for a very long time.

My sister is currently in the delivery ward now. She is going to be a real mom soon :) Next year, after my pre-reg, I wish to bring her and baby for a short trip. Any recommendation? :)

Contentment

I think I’ve NEVER taken so many flights in such a short time span. During my 20-days Australia trip, I took 4 internal flights and 2 international flights, at least. How I wish I can witness someone needing to give birth while on plane but it never happened. I have to leave on a jet plane in 4 hours and sleeping at this time is not a good idea because I will not get a REM sleep.

My niece is coming up this August, and I’ve been thinking what English name I should give her. (I have quite a large autonomy in this area hahaha!)

I like the name Paul. But it’s not for girl. Maybe I’ll name my nephew Paul in I have one. Yes, Paul is one of my favourite characters in the bible.

Not sure if you’re as silly as me, but have you ever wondered why Paul always liked to express joy and give thanks for every single thing that happened to him? He seemed to be able to translate every adverse situation as some thing good. More than that, he actually internalized the ‘good thing’. The whole book of Philippians is to tell believers that God knows our needs and promises to provide for them. We are to trust him with an attitude of thanksgiving and find contentment in what we are given.

Bible always says ‘ask God for everything you need Phil 4:6’.

But do you have times when the one thing you want is the one thing you never get? You’re not being demanding, and you think that you really ask according to God’s words – and all you want is an open door or an extra day or an answered prayer – for which you will be thankful.

But no answer.

Have you ever questioned yourself – what if God says no?

What if the request is delayed or even denied??

What if God says no, and says ‘my grace is sufficient for you’.

Another question – Will you be contented?

Contentment. That’s the word. Heart of being at peace even if God gave you nothing more than he already has. You plead him to keep your child alive, your business afloat, your cancer cells die away on its own – what if God says – My grace is sufficient for you. Will you be contented?

If you are contented, can you tell me why?

And one very important question - Is God still a good God when He says no?

Thoughts

Entering my 2^nd week in Australia... somehow, tonight is not as cold as the past few nights and I guess that’s why I am more awake and energized after a whole day of adventures again. :)

Honestly, the past 7 days have been challenging for me and I know that if not for the prayers and intercession, they could be worse. Nonetheless, I know that this path is right, for I’ll not be where I am if it’s not. All I need is just faith.

Today I felt better. I feel that today is a different day, a step closer to the endpoint where I really should be. Wonder if you’ve ever questioned yourself on what basis you can believe on something that cannot be seen, barely can hear of? I question myself many times, how can I know for sure that what I believe in is right, and true, and that I can hold onto strongly and make them the skeleton of my conduct and daily living.

Wonder if the God you call is even GOD to start with?

Come and think of it, I did that many times.

And today I still chose to believe. Sometimes maybe the thing that you have to do first, before knowing all these things are true, is to believe. That’s the pathway of faith isn’t it? Because you believe what’s written in the bible is true and truly God’s words, you take the courage and embrace them, act on them. Because you want to test try if these are true, you take your chance, but often, you got the reassurance, time after time.

Men think too much. Me too. Sometimes simplicity is the best. Hear them, believe in them, and hope in them.

I know God never fails. He used 2 years just to prove that to me just to get my reassurance. I really hate myself for forgetting it and am affected by the forever-changing circumstances of my life. Today as I wrote this down here, it’s to remind myself not to be deceived again.

I need to be more courageous!

²¹ My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment,
do not let them out of your sight;

²² they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.

²³ Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble;

²⁴ when you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

²⁵ Have no fear of sudden disaster
or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked,

²⁶ for the LORD will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being snared.

31.12.2008

December is really a happening month, don't you agree with me?

Firstly, it's a holiday month! (and it's my holiday month because soon i will join the pharmacy workforce)

Secondly, most people return from overseas during December and it's the best time to catch up with long-lost friends/ or people you've been wanting to see :)

Thirdly, It's christmas! A time to give, and a time to receive too :)
I had a wonderful christmas this year. First time caroling, and first time being a Santa Claus.



I must say that I've received a lot from the brothers and sisters in church throughout the year, Mei Er and rachel always treat me nice food and bring me nice stuff, leader also always takes very good care of me. So it's time for me to give too, yea, and i truly enjoy the spirit of giving that comes upon me during this december because the smiles on their faces are my greatest rewards, and I know that God's happy with me because I've learnt the homework He has been wanting me to learn and embrace.

Fourthly, it's new year eve and coming of 2009!
A time of reflection of how 2008 has been and counting your own blessings.
It's is because the blessings of 2008 path ways to the resolutions of 2009, at least for me such is the case.
2007 was a horrible year and 2008 has been a peaceful year. Although many times, the problems persist, the weakness is so apparent and unacceptable, making me so miserable at times, I'm glad that I am still alive today. Living by God's grace and promises day by day, and finally my day by day has brought me to the end of 2008. Sometimes we fear about the future, in fact I'm most fearful of future. Things often change, and I'm most resistant to changes. But my greatest comfort is that God's an unchanging God, so no matter what changing situations/people I was made to encounter this year, I'm glad that I was still able to pull through them by faith.

God never fails, and He never will.
Problems come, but problems will resolve too.
Like the Israelites, the Red Sea existed so that it could be opened up and pathed a way for them, and killed the thousands army that prosecuted them.
If God gives you a problem, He is to solve it.
That's my greatest consolation because i know that I will not be weak forever.
I have my brothers and sisters in christ, caring siblings, good friends and most importantly, God's words - the covenants which He made with us using His entire life.

Be courageous.

End of 2008

2 more days to 2009, how are you feeling?

Thank God this year has been better than last year.
Sometimes, it feels awful to oscillate between north and south poles.
But sometimes, it feels so much bearable when you know that the people care about you want you to come out of this oscillations.

2008 has been a great year.
No matter how busy I've been, no matter how many deadlines and problems I have to face, I still think that this year has been good. I think my growth retardation started too soon few years back and is picking up slowly this year.

Just one resolution for 2009 - 靠 主 而 活 ， 因 主 喜 乐 。

Not to be discouraged when it seems as though I don't
see fruits in my life. I pray You will make every barren area
in my life be fruitful and productive. When I start to feel that I may
never give birth to anything of significance, I will lift up praise to You,
because it is only through Your enablement that I can break forth into
the purpose for which You have called me..