What is Pain?

Have you ever had nightmares?

Don't know why, I started having nightmares and near to terrors 2 years back. I will have vivid dreams of something that had happened or going to happen, terrified and awakened, and find myself drenching in sweats. And I will be unable to sleep thereafter and keep sweating for the rest of the night.

The repeated contents, the similar dreams, and the seemingly never-ending terror. I know Satan is always toying me around with this.

And I had one on Saturday night again.
No matter how life seems to go on, the ache and pain still linger.
Somehow I thank God for retaining me a glimpse of humanity. For my humanity set others free and I really don't mind bearing the consequences myself. Ironically, I am still able to wake up each day thanking God for the pain, for it is necessary to make me who I am or who I should be. I cannot imagine myself establishing my happiness on others' sufferings.

I must say that God has the most utmost sympathy for me. Besides that matter, He has shown absolute compassion in every other aspects of my life. For example, even though I have been busy with works and sometimes missing fellowships, I still have a bunch of brothers and sisters who will constantly reminding me that they are always there for me for the years that I have left. I have not been devoured by the works or climbing the success ladder, for life is about relationships. Sometimes I wonder why people will sacrifice relationships for money, work, and their own selfish desires. What I can say is, if those things can be exchanged with money, can be bought with money, they are not something you should work very hard for. The glory of success you get from work, the name you yearn to earn for yourself, they are all passing clouds and you can't bring them all when you bid farewell to world.

To continue, even though I am new to the job, and just started dispensing 4 weeks back with my amateur experience in counseling.. but when God sees my sincerity of wanting to give my best to my patients, He rewarded me abundantly. To my amazement, I have patients thanking me for explaining things so clearly to them, the importance of their treatments, the important things to take note of for the medical conditions they are suffering and the medications, I can see the doubts leaving their faces and what remain are 'oh now I know... etc etc..' I am very encouraged when I see that their confusions were gone. And sometimes, I see 1-2 of them coming back to me after paying for their bills, just to thank me. And suddenly I understand that my life is with a purpose, and God can use me to bless others around me, be it patients or colleagues, be it friends or lost friends. I know every single reason why God has meticulously put me in such a place like where I am now, and I'm deeply consoled and become more courageous come what may.

AND I have a very good preceptor whom everyone is envious of. Although we always stay up late to discuss about the project, I will be fetched home by the most awesome MAZDA black car. The conversations, the little transparencies that I could share are really what I deem to be important. What more could I ask when God has carefully selected the most awesome people to be placed around me?

And I have a sister who is consistently showing grace to me. We're buying house soon :) Went to look at a few at bedok south road, but the house is too old and small and we decided to keep searching until God says stop. I really wish to have a house soon because this house will be a place which nobody can kick me away, push me away like how it has been all these years. Sometimes, when people push you away too, home is the best place to hide and cry isn't it? :)

Spent the whole day out yesterday. First was church, then was sentosa and volleyball, last was watching fireproof with the bunch of blessed brothers and sisters. I am so thankful that SL offered to send me home yesterday, and again, for the blow that I had in the morning, God was trying to tell me that He's with me no matter what and as long as He is with me, I do not need to worry.

Come and think of it, I really should count my blessings.
When I need help, Help always comes.
When I need love, Love always comes in different variations which I can easily identify.
When I need to cry, He always listens and whispers into my ears that He knows what's best for me.

At the end of the day, though reluctantly painful, I still must say the pain is good for me.
It draws me to God every single day and it is this unfailing God whom I need most in the storm. The conditions He has placed in me are the best for me. I still have sufficient grace despite the thorn. Living with it for the rest of my life is unbearable, but breaking it down one day at a time seems to make thing more bearable.
When you think you have been through the toughest, suffering the aftermath is nothing, considering you only have that few years left before you bid farewell to world :)
Amen :)


ps: I heard that the movie UP is very nice, if you (anyone!) has time let's go and watch together. I haven't watched movie for a very long time.

My sister is currently in the delivery ward now. She is going to be a real mom soon :) Next year, after my pre-reg, I wish to bring her and baby for a short trip. Any recommendation? :)

ALLO! How's life for you so far?
Life has been busy for me - many things to do, many things to think about, and many things to learn too. However, I am still very thankful that I enjoy and am liking what I've been doing, just that when the physical limitation of my body overwhelm me, it can get quite tiring. :)

So far so good I guess :)

I have one new anticipation these days... that's waiting for the arrival of my niece! My sister has been issued an emergency letter for her labour since last week and the poor hubby and her have been staying at home waiting for the baby to come out. So funny :) oh man, 9 months of waiting and hoola! She's gonna be out real soon!

Went to see some baby products with my sister just now. Believe me, I haven't had the time to do some casual shopping ever since I started working. But I've been reminding myself that life's principle is love your loved ones and myself and I should not let my work overwhelm me and neglect my loved ones. God, give me strength and the wisdom to stand firm on these and to not compromise! I know that this is what You want in my life too!

My last week in OP... in fact I'm quite reluctant to leave OP. I really have enjoyed myself in OP and learnt a lot too. Today a patient thanked me, and I'm sincerely encouraged. Perhaps to you OP is a mad rush. But to me, OP is more than the mad rush. It's about the communication and understanding. I do not know how to express the feelings I have about OP and the daily happenings in OP, I just am very admiring everyone in OP and am touched that they have been patiently guiding me along all these while.

I am such a lucky girl that God has graciously put me around nice people :)

(Hee poor writing skills :( )

Deeply awed :)

Reconciliation with God

I have had a tough week. And I learnt something new from huilin... TGIF. It means thank God it's friday! hm... i was being laughed at for not knowing this famous term. CM further reinforced that this term existed even in malaysia. Alright, I am just too ignorant I guess! haha.

I started developing fever on saturday. Cough ensued quickly. Over just one night, my fever had spiked a high note. Never had over 38.4 C for fever before. So this episode was pretty uncomfy to me. I usually tolerated fever quite well, it didn't even affect me in the past. So yea, this time I was given a 2 days MC. Some medicines, antibiotics inclusive. H1N1? haha, perhaps H2N2. I don't know. My opinion is that it's just hospital acquired infection due to nature of my job and my immunity hasn't always been too good to start with.

I took Monday off, just to have a good rest at home. I need to recuperate before it turns worse. No 2 days MC because there's a project which a NUS student is also handling as part of her project during preceptorship, so I have to be there for the discussion before the execution. I was also reluctant to take another day of MC, for I may miss some invaluable insights that I always gain while on the job.

But God sort of gave me a signal few days back. He sent 3 angels telling me to pace myself, for I have been pushing myself too hard they said. Spiritually, I know the spirit within me has been reminding me that the weariness from working always overwhelm me every single day that I have been cutting down on my time alone with God. The 'me' also warns me that it is the constant communication and fellowship with God and church which sustain me to this very day, and I actually get a bit lost and uneasy when I am unable to spend more time on prayers and attending church meetings.

So God gave me a timely break. To pause, and reflect. And to realign my priorities, before I get lost in a sea of learnings and homeworks or works. Honestly, I appreciate that calling very much. I am also very thankful that God didn't let me continue doing what the world seems to always has been doing (and it's called norm) and He gave me a wake-up call before things become messier.

One day of rest. One day of thoughts and prayers.

Although the cough still lingers till today, I am happy that fever is gone. Starting from wednesday, I also developed very serious diarrhea. Huilin said I lost weight tremendously. Haha! I don't know if I should be happy or sad. Went A&E and get my meds. Hopefully the health can only get better from now on.

This week is also my 5th week in OP. I am starting to feel a little sad, for I have grown to love OP, and reluctant to leave. Nonetheless, I know I have to move on to another station, for I might love the next station too!

Started dispensing this week too. Finally I grew to know the drugs and therapy better. As I counsel, I learn; as I observe other pharmacists dispensing, I learn too. I feel that everyday of working is rewarding, cos I learn many little small things bit by bit everyday. Now I truly know what it means by Learning is a Journey. It doesn't stop after school, but it keeps on going even when you are working. And I know even the most senior pharmacist is learning everyday too!

So yea, you can see me dispensing at outpatient pharmacy already! Starting from the short scripts, slowly going to the longer ones. The only hope within me is to be able to provide answers to patients and hopefully I can be the last stop of all their queries regarding their health/ medications. I know it's not easy, but I know God honors this little wish of mine, and I know He puts me in a place for reason.

I don't know why, whenever I can associate what ever things that I am doing has a reason, and has been carefully planned by God, I feel hopeful. And the good thing is, dispensing has been good so far. :)

Another piece of good news. Every pre-reg has to do oncology traning too. My hospital doesn't have an oncology unit, so normally they send pre-reggers to NCC for training. I have been wishing and praying that there is a change of plan this year so that I can don't go NCC for training (reasons... hm... I will tell you next time, if you ask!). It doesn't seem possible in fact, because NCC is the only place in SG providing extensive cancer services and treatment.

BUT.
As I received the latest schedule, I am utterly impressed and happy.
I am going to John Hopkins for my oncology attachment!!! WHEE!
It happens that NCC has restrictions on the number of intake and only 3 out of 5 of us are going NCC and ..... I am going JH!

There's always hope in God :)

Commencement 2009

The future doesn't lie ahead of you, waiting to happen -
It lies deep inside of you, waiting to be discovered.

Life is a journey

Last Saturday was our graduation dinner. Despite the hectic schedule and endless homeworks, we managed to have a fun time together at Hilton hotel. :)

Time flies.
4 years of university life had just ended and now we are all working already!
Again, I must say, learning is a journey, AND happiness is not a station we arrive at, but the manner of our traveling.

To my fellow classmates, congratulations and may we excel in the paths we are undertaking :)
I am really glad that our commencement run has left a legacy to our juniors!

Make a Smilebox photobook

3 weeks into pre-reg...

COming to the end of my 3rd week in outpatient pharmacy.

I like outpatient pharmacy, not sure if OP likes me too. Time passes very quickly when you're in OP, esp unknowingly, you have seen 500+ prescriptions pushing out to the counter to be dispensed. I remembered first week at OP, my legs were like detached from my body at the end of the day, I practically can no longer FEEL the presence of my legs.

Try standing from 8+ am to 6pm with only ard 45 mins of sitting time in between.
Perhaps you'll like the utter numbness.
Plus the shoes - they're killing me.

Second week in OP - I think the legs weariness was no longer that severe.

Now that I'm in OP for 3 weeks already, I can proudly say that I've developed tolerance to long hours of standing. Sometimes you won't even realize that you've been standing for so long. And thank God, I am adapting already.

I like doing counter 1. You get to see all patients coming to the pharmacy, cos you're to issue them a Q no, and answer their queries. And I always see the carebear at the end of the shelves. Come to my pharmacy and you'll see a whole shelf of Carebear! So cute - and I bought 2 in just 1 week - one cos is yt's bdae, one is cos HL's getting for her bf - aww so sweet :D

Nonetheless, the longer I spent in OP - the more i realize how stupid and useless I am.
Some days, I felt really sad because of my slowness in learning certain kills, I actually clogged up the workflow in the pharmacy. I feel so stupid and useless :( Worse still, I have my comfort food at the end of the day - Mc Donalds, to relieve my sense of incompetency.

Today, I actually am very happy cos I typed more than yesterday - and slightly faster than yesterday. Maybe I should stay back after working hours to familiarize with the shortcuts etc then I won't be so slow anymore!

Give me time.
And God, I'm so thankful that the people in OP are very considerate and tolerant to me. I can't ask for more!

I stayed back on Tuesday just to learn about the creams and ointment.
Finally I decided that I must put a stop to this many feeling of stupidity and start doing something. Anything. But I also realize that I'm a slow learner - 2 hours and I only managed to know the availability and the potencies of the creams - and their roles in treatment. But nvm, I'll try harder next time!

Ask me about creams/ ointments. Anything! I will answer to the best I can, and if I cannot, I will find the answer out, I promise.

I need to stop thinking and start doing SOMETHING!