I took me great effort and prayers to write this post. The purpose of putting them down in a post is to remind myself not to forget the grace I have received in Christ, and to persevere in this life to do what He has called me to do. It is also my desire to leave this to my loved ones, especially Joshua and Nathan - to share and encourage them to see the good Lord I have and to hold fast to Him, for apart from Him there is no hope and goodness, no matter how beautiful the things of world appear to you.
Wei En and I have been married to each other since 2017, and we have our firstborn, Joshua, in the following year in 2018, and Nathan the year after in 2019. Time just passed by swiftly when parenthood begins, and this journey has been infused with so much challenges, joy, tears, learning, testing of patience and love. Without the grace of God through His Word and Holy Spirit, I believe this journey would be so awful, hopeless, and centering a lot on man-made pursuits.
Just end of last year, Wei En and I started having conversations about having a third baby. I was a bit dumbfounded when he raised that idea. The reasons are very practical - it is physically draining to start all over again and caring for an infant along with two toddlers is madness; I can sense the body truly aging and running out of energy; it is quite a bit of money to raise a kid in Singapore; we are constantly battling with childcare arrangement especially our kids fall sick 40% if not 50% of the time.
However, when Wei En raised this thought, it was not as if he was oblivious to all these constraints. It was raised at a time when he was equipping himself more aggressively in the Word, and shepherding the youths in church.
At times, we think how good it will be if there is one more godly person in this world who will share the Word of God clearly and boldly, seeing that nothing in this world can save a person's souls but only the faith in Christ Jesus. We desire to raise godly offsprings who can live for God's kingdom, who can be the salt and light of the world - not being assimilated into the world but live out the glory of God in each given condition.
But the practical aspects of child-bearing and nurturing a child are intimidating for a small heart as mine. Wei En once shared - with two kids, we are actually quite comfortable now. Each parent can take care of one child, fair and square. With the third, if there is, maybe the children and us will come to realize our Lord's grace deeper. But out of love for me, he hope if we ever have another child, may it be sooner than later so that it is not too strenuous for my body to go through another child-bearing process.
I could not say yes to him heartily but I have kept these conversations in my heart, and bring it God through prayers. "God, do you think it is a good thing that we have another child?" "Can we make it, without failing badly and embarrass You?" "Can I take it? The two kids are already driving me nuts most of the times as I battle with their increasing manifestation of sin." Little did I know while all these concerns seem valid, my heart was softened over time and I have also started desiring having the 3rd baby unknowingly...
Few months later, just the few days before Christmas, I found myself pregnant! How should I describe the feeling? It was a curry of mixed feeling of "oh no!" and "thank God!" and "God, this is Your reply to us as we bring the idea to you?" But we were so very happy, though intimidating, we were so so happy. It was like God answering a Yes/No to our prayer, and He gave us just before the year ended. It was like a gift to us, just in time during Christmas!
The body started to feel aches all over, and it felt so different than previous pregnancies. Perhaps I really have aged much over time. We decided to find a time to visit gynae earlier, right after TBRC. With full anticipation and gratitude, we prepared ourselves for The Blessed Run Conference (TBRC) and we couldn't be more thankful that the kids were not sick and were able to join childcare as TBRC began.
I would never forget TBRC 2021. We made our way quickly to church after sending the kids to childcare, and I saw Isabelle playing the keyboard for the worship. I was so so happy for her. I know it is a fight for her to be there, after becoming a mother of a just 1 year old toddler. There are so many things that call for our attention after a woman becomes a mother, most of them come from the child. I know she prayed to restore serving as well after becoming a mom, and seeing her on the keyboard was one of the little leaps of faith and commitment to God she strived to sustain. The sermon started on the right and necessary note, as Pastor preached about the BIG ASSUMPTIONS many Christians have - We already know.
However, midway while listening to the sermon, I felt something gushing out from me beneath. Something did not feel quite right. But I was not feeling any pain, so I gave myself a mental note to check it later during the toilet break.
To my horror, I saw blood when I went to the toilet. It was not a little blood, it was abnormal amount of blood for a pregnant woman. My heart sank and I broke into tears. I put a pad and went back to my seat at the conference. My tears just came down uncontrollably as I sat through the second sermon. The mind told me what was happening. Being a trained healthcare person, I know I could be having a miscarriage or threatened miscarriage. In any way, it is not a good sign. But if it is a miscarriage, there is nothing that I could do that can salvage what is to be lost. Going to the hospital right away might not help because no actions would possibly be taken in the next few hours; and I was already sitting down and not doing strenuous exercise which would not aggravate the situation. Knowing these didn't help the tears, my heart felt as if it was torn into million pieces knowing I might be losing it. All I could do at that time was to cry to God who is sovereign, He who gives also sustains if He wills. I continued to pay attention to the sermon preached but my heart continued to be troubled and sorrowful - God, help me to trust You come what may.
After the sermon, we had a blessed forum session discussing on the sermons preached in the morning. God seemed to let me forget the blood as the forum went on, we got so engaged in the sharing and discussions. Once the forum ended, I felt more gushing beneath and we know, it is time to head to the hospital. The tears just fell uncontrollably as soon as I stepped out of church. God, help me. I asked Wei En while he was driving me to KKH, "Can God not take away our baby?". He held my hands and asked me don't think so much, we will take it a step a time, God will lead us."
The wait at the hospital was expectedly long. We waited for near 2 hours. They tested my urine for pregnancy and I was found to be pregnant. I was so happy - its a good sign, I thought. But as the dr did an ultrasound for me at the bedside, he was not pleased at all.
My heart sank. "Ectopic?" I asked.
"Perhaps but can't be sure, we need to do a more detailed scan, now. I'll arrange for it immediately." He replied.
God granted me some restful period and I could dive deeper into His Word, I enjoyed these moments. As I pray for wisdom and fixed perspectives in raising my own children, I also pray that I could love and nurture those children whom I will engage in Sunday School. As I think about Joshua, Nathan, and other children, it further engraves in my heart that though I hope to love and protect them from harms and dangers, I cannot safeproof things at all times. In their trying moments, they need to struggle through those moments with the God they know. I hope to teach them about God well, and may God regenerate them in His time so that they can call upon God themselves in all things. There is no safer refuge in this world other than the Truth of God.
Was reading some first catechism with Joshua and I was reminded once again the reason we could glorify God in all situations. It's because God made us and takes care of us."It is a great thing to be subject to the majesty of God." Amen.