I took me great effort and prayers to write this post. The purpose of putting them down in a post is to remind myself not to forget the grace I have received in Christ, and to persevere in this life to do what He has called me to do. It is also my desire to leave this to my loved ones, especially Joshua and Nathan - to share and encourage them to see the good Lord I have and to hold fast to Him, for apart from Him there is no hope and goodness, no matter how beautiful the things of world appear to you.
Wei En and I have been married to each other since 2017, and we have our firstborn, Joshua, in the following year in 2018, and Nathan the year after in 2019. Time just passed by swiftly when parenthood begins, and this journey has been infused with so much challenges, joy, tears, learning, testing of patience and love. Without the grace of God through His Word and Holy Spirit, I believe this journey would be so awful, hopeless, and centering a lot on man-made pursuits.
Just end of last year, Wei En and I started having conversations about having a third baby. I was a bit dumbfounded when he raised that idea. The reasons are very practical - it is physically draining to start all over again and caring for an infant along with two toddlers is madness; I can sense the body truly aging and running out of energy; it is quite a bit of money to raise a kid in Singapore; we are constantly battling with childcare arrangement especially our kids fall sick 40% if not 50% of the time.
However, when Wei En raised this thought, it was not as if he was oblivious to all these constraints. It was raised at a time when he was equipping himself more aggressively in the Word, and shepherding the youths in church.
At times, we think how good it will be if there is one more godly person in this world who will share the Word of God clearly and boldly, seeing that nothing in this world can save a person's souls but only the faith in Christ Jesus. We desire to raise godly offsprings who can live for God's kingdom, who can be the salt and light of the world - not being assimilated into the world but live out the glory of God in each given condition.
But the practical aspects of child-bearing and nurturing a child are intimidating for a small heart as mine. Wei En once shared - with two kids, we are actually quite comfortable now. Each parent can take care of one child, fair and square. With the third, if there is, maybe the children and us will come to realize our Lord's grace deeper. But out of love for me, he hope if we ever have another child, may it be sooner than later so that it is not too strenuous for my body to go through another child-bearing process.
I could not say yes to him heartily but I have kept these conversations in my heart, and bring it God through prayers. "God, do you think it is a good thing that we have another child?" "Can we make it, without failing badly and embarrass You?" "Can I take it? The two kids are already driving me nuts most of the times as I battle with their increasing manifestation of sin." Little did I know while all these concerns seem valid, my heart was softened over time and I have also started desiring having the 3rd baby unknowingly...
Few months later, just the few days before Christmas, I found myself pregnant! How should I describe the feeling? It was a curry of mixed feeling of "oh no!" and "thank God!" and "God, this is Your reply to us as we bring the idea to you?" But we were so very happy, though intimidating, we were so so happy. It was like God answering a Yes/No to our prayer, and He gave us just before the year ended. It was like a gift to us, just in time during Christmas!
The body started to feel aches all over, and it felt so different than previous pregnancies. Perhaps I really have aged much over time. We decided to find a time to visit gynae earlier, right after TBRC. With full anticipation and gratitude, we prepared ourselves for The Blessed Run Conference (TBRC) and we couldn't be more thankful that the kids were not sick and were able to join childcare as TBRC began.
I would never forget TBRC 2021. We made our way quickly to church after sending the kids to childcare, and I saw Isabelle playing the keyboard for the worship. I was so so happy for her. I know it is a fight for her to be there, after becoming a mother of a just 1 year old toddler. There are so many things that call for our attention after a woman becomes a mother, most of them come from the child. I know she prayed to restore serving as well after becoming a mom, and seeing her on the keyboard was one of the little leaps of faith and commitment to God she strived to sustain. The sermon started on the right and necessary note, as Pastor preached about the BIG ASSUMPTIONS many Christians have - We already know.
However, midway while listening to the sermon, I felt something gushing out from me beneath. Something did not feel quite right. But I was not feeling any pain, so I gave myself a mental note to check it later during the toilet break.
To my horror, I saw blood when I went to the toilet. It was not a little blood, it was abnormal amount of blood for a pregnant woman. My heart sank and I broke into tears. I put a pad and went back to my seat at the conference. My tears just came down uncontrollably as I sat through the second sermon. The mind told me what was happening. Being a trained healthcare person, I know I could be having a miscarriage or threatened miscarriage. In any way, it is not a good sign. But if it is a miscarriage, there is nothing that I could do that can salvage what is to be lost. Going to the hospital right away might not help because no actions would possibly be taken in the next few hours; and I was already sitting down and not doing strenuous exercise which would not aggravate the situation. Knowing these didn't help the tears, my heart felt as if it was torn into million pieces knowing I might be losing it. All I could do at that time was to cry to God who is sovereign, He who gives also sustains if He wills. I continued to pay attention to the sermon preached but my heart continued to be troubled and sorrowful - God, help me to trust You come what may.
After the sermon, we had a blessed forum session discussing on the sermons preached in the morning. God seemed to let me forget the blood as the forum went on, we got so engaged in the sharing and discussions. Once the forum ended, I felt more gushing beneath and we know, it is time to head to the hospital. The tears just fell uncontrollably as soon as I stepped out of church. God, help me. I asked Wei En while he was driving me to KKH, "Can God not take away our baby?". He held my hands and asked me don't think so much, we will take it a step a time, God will lead us."
The wait at the hospital was expectedly long. We waited for near 2 hours. They tested my urine for pregnancy and I was found to be pregnant. I was so happy - its a good sign, I thought. But as the dr did an ultrasound for me at the bedside, he was not pleased at all.
He said, "You're pregnant, but I couldn't find the baby."
My heart sank. "Ectopic?" I asked.
"Perhaps but can't be sure, we need to do a more detailed scan, now. I'll arrange for it immediately." He replied.
The medical mind tells me most likely the pregnancy is at the wrong location, and it can't be kept if it's not in the womb. I cried. The sadness I felt then was so profound. Is there a word for it? How do you describe the feeling of once so very happy which turned quickly into so very sad with mourning?
I asked God to help me, but I don't know what kind of help I need. Help me God, walk with me God, let me see You walking with me and not lose heart.
I was wheeled to the radiology room. It was near childcare closing time and Wei En had to leave to pick up the kids to bring them home. We continue to do what we need, while waiting for more things to be revealed to us.
The scan was done. After that, they insisted to put me on a trolley bed and stopped me from eating or drinking. It did not feel good, honestly. Bedbound, fasting - all these are signs of KIV procedure/surgery. Sometimes knowing some, but not knowing the full picture, can torment a person's mind. If it wasn't for the Truth I know, the assurance of God who was with me and will continue to be with me, I would be so lost.
In this state, I waited for the final report of detailed scan for about 2 hours. In these 2 hours, I wept terribly under the blanket most of the times, mourning for what I had lost. I also prayed deeply in my heart, cried to God to relieve my sorrow and to give me courage to continue to do what I ought to do. I also spied on Joshua and Nathan through the home camera, feeling relieved knowing they returned home from childcare and were settling down with the help of husband, my sister, and my helper. I thought about the TBRC night session which I would miss, and I could not remember how many times I've asked God - Why?
Why God gave and took it away?
Why God chose to take it away this way, and not just a straightforward miscarriage?
Why God gave when we consulted Him about having another child, and decided to take it away in the end?
Why now?
Why was the condition so complicated - I'd rather feel some extreme pain, at least I would leave with no choice but to go ahead with surgery immediately.
Why is it that despite knowing God is sovereign and good to His children, the sadness was so uncontrollably deep?
Why does it have to happen on us? Have I been sinning against God?
I thought I'm walking with God - why then do I suffer this way? I've done something wrong?
Strangely, it is not that I don't know the answers to these questions. My mind could answer these questions, I recounted God's timeless Truth to answer every single one of them. Yet, I caved in emotionally. I can't help it, the tears just came down from my cheeks, the heart just felt so painful. I could only ask God to help my emotions, help me in any way possible, help me to surrender to Him come what may.
Wei En came back for me after settling the kids. The doctor spoke to us.
Indeed, the pregnancy is at the wrong location near the fallopian tube, and no heartbeat was detected. It needed to be dealt with because the pregnancy cannot carry on, it would not develop into a full baby and it would be life threatening if let it be as the tube may rupture and I would go into severe bleeding.
So the treatment options for ectopic pregnancy are:
(1) Surgery to remove the affected tube - that will remove the immediate danger of tube rupture and terminate the pregnancy immediately. But it is invasive and needs general anesthesia and recovery process after it.
(2) Inject a chemo drug called methotrexate into the body - this chemo drug will kill cells, and terminate the pregnancy. But it is a chemo, hence all other areas of body will be subjected to the side effects of the drug and if one conceives in the next 3 months, the baby will have congenital defects. With this approach, it will still take time for the pregnancy hormone to reduce and become 0, but it should be faster, and shorten the risk for tube rupture.
(3) Wait and let body take care of the pregnancy itself - because this pregnancy is unhealthy, the body knows it and will auto rejects it. It is possible for the body to terminate the pregnancy itself, but it will take a long time for the pregnancy hormones to drop to zero (not pregnant), and in this process the risk of rupture is high as it may continue to grow.
The Dr hoped we could go with (2) if not (1), for (3) was too risky.
The information was familiar and correct. I digested it as a healthcare personnel before, but to digest it as a patient today was so difficult. Medically trained, I could understand where the Dr came from. The injection would be an option that could balance the risk and less invasive, it could also be something I would recommend right away in an ICU setting.
In the end, Wei En and I unanimously opted for option 3, though the Dr was not quite agreeable. To take the injection to terminate the pregnancy myself was not possible for me at that time - I could not bring myself to do it based on one scan report, especially when conclusion is drawn by postulations. Secondly, I have not felt any pain thus far, this was a sign that the obstruction not too serious or less obstruction, and tube rupture may not happen. Thirdly, there is something more than we know about our body that is gloriously created by God, we should wait awhile more (if within safe limits) to see how body deals with it.
We left the hospital that day around 9pm. Sad but composed; tired but moving on.
At home, I saw the 2 kids sleeping soundly, not knowing about the possibility of another sibling. But I am so thankful. It is true - 我们本来是没有的. But we already have two, and we are doing right to raise them up in the Lord. God has given us a lot.
God gave me a good sleep that night, for I woke up the next day feeling rested, and less sad. I don't know how, but I believe God has done something in my spirit while I was asleep. God took care of me, and I have to learn to lean totally on Him, He was carrying the heavier load, and I was carrying the lighter load.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Mt 11:28-30
There was nothing I could do but to adhere to instructions given by the gynae, i.e to return every 2 days to check the pregnancy hormones to ensure it was dropping, and to have ultrasound to ensure the mass not growing and posing the risk of rupture. At any point, if I feel sharp pain, to rush to A&E immediately as it is likely to be tubal rupture and surgery is necessary.
We could join the TBRC on 2nd day again, and immersing in the Word of God instead of letting the minds run wild endlessly is good. We enjoyed the sermons and interactions with brethren, and we received a lot of prayer topics for future. It felt as if God had temporarily suppress the matter in my mind, as there were many things that I could focus on. That evening, Nathan came home with a bloody eye. He had knocked himself in school and teacher hoped that we could bring him to dr for a check.My heart skipped a beat when I saw him, but amazingly, as we prayed with him, God calmed my anxious heart. We managed to get him checked at a GP nearby. He was happy and running through it all. Daddy left for the final TBRC session and I was streaming in while putting the 2 kids to sleep. Before Joshua slept, he choked himself on a vitamin C pill and kept coughing. He was very bothered by it and kept coughing, and I too was bothered. Why did all have to happen at the same time? I did first aid on Joshua but he still couldn't spit it out, and he still kept coughing but talking. From my assessment, I think he is safe and the airway is not obstructed, since we could not get it out, I told him we just had to pray and ask God to help him to go through this process. Perhaps God wanted to draw his attention because he has been behaving quite rebelliously lately. I asked if he would like to pray and he said yes. We both prayed and asked God to help us because there was nothing we can do but to look to Jesus, because He loves us and will not leave us. May we come to know the good things God is doing through the incidents.
Sometimes, I think the prayer is more to calm an anxious mother's heart more than anything. I hope God humbles the two kids through their little huddles, and they will be brought to depend on God more and more.
Right now as I write this, my medical file has not closed yet. That first visit was the beginning of many follow-ups that were to come. Each visit, we could spend up to 6 hours waiting at the hospital for blood test results, scan reports, and discussion with the drs. God let me see a lot of things during the lengthy hours of waiting. I saw parents visiting their hospitalized kids who were unhealthy physically - some are having feeding tubes through their noses; some are not quite normal and undergoing treatment. I saw victims of sexual assaults at the urgent O&G, and I also saw expecting mothers weeping away. I could never imagine if I were to handle a stillbirth too. Perhaps God knows that I cannot take it, that's why He did not let me go through it.
Actually, I feel very ashamed at my own sadness. There are many others who are going through tougher journeys than me, there are many others who are grieving for their loss and they may not even have any child yet but I already have two kids. Simultaneously, I feel so thankful for the Truth I have received in Christ, for without which, there would be no hope, no comfort, and no purpose in the process I am made to go through. Do they also have the Truth I've received? Do they find comfort from the Creator our God? Do they receive strength from the Holy Spirit who is interceding for us with wordless groans even when we have run out of words to cry for help or pray? I earnestly hope so.
On my 1st return to the hospital for check 2 days later, the pregnancy hormones dropped by 20%, it was good sign. Nonetheless, the Dr still asked us to consider the injection as it would be faster closure. Mentally, it isn't that I disagree with her, but clinically I was not having any pain and the body was taking care of itself, I truly wished it would just settle this way and save myself from a chemo injection.
On my 2nd return another 2 days later, the pregnancy hormones did not drop significantly, and the scan showed it seemed to grow by 1cm. The Dr urged us to take the injection immediately. After going through much discussion, we still maintained our decision to wait. I told the dr honestly that I was not oblivious to their concerns, I was aware of the risk vs benefits of each decision. As a medical personnel, I shared their concerns. I know they are doing their job, after all, I have been carrying a time bomb since the beginning of pregnancy. But as a person with faith, my husband and I are convinced that God has led us this far, and without obvious pain and the hormones still decreasing albeit slow, we could still wait and observe how the body took care of it. They wanted to admit me for monitoring but I declined because I have two young kids at home and I could monitor myself, so we signed the consent form to release ourselves. It was a Saturday, first day of 2022. I can't wait to be with the kids, we have put them in church before heading to hospital, I hope they were doing well. We did not expect the visit would take so long and it lasted till night. At church, their favorite uncle yong took care of them well and got them food on our behalf, and they were enjoying themselves in Sunday School. Thankful for the community of faith. It's such blessing to be able to grow up in a community marked by God's grace, it's God's grace that they can be exposed to the Gospel since young. I hope they will grow up to be godly men for God.
Nonetheless, that night, I went home feeling sad. I asked myself why did I feel so? Perhaps I have hoped for a more positive results from the blood test and scan to confirm my decision, I have placed my hope on some sort of improvement that I was expecting, thinking God would not give me another blow. But after searching my heart, and a hearty talk with my husband, I found out that I was sad because I have hoped for something else other than God alone. I have hoped for God be with me + good progress in this ectopic pregnancy journey. If I have fully surrendered to God in this process, I would be okay with whatever results revealed to me. If I have fully rested in the fact that all that is from Him is good, why would I feel sad and down-casted? I broke down that night, and I asked God to sanctify me, sanctify my wait, and sanctify my obedience. I prayed that He could lead me to a stage that I would delight in just knowing God alone and made Him my greatest treasure, not in certain positive outcomes I have secretly harboured.
I slept that night knowing God heard my prayers, He uplifted me the next day. Gradually, God worked in our hearts and made us incline towards surgery, the "worst" option, and we saw the good in this option. After all, whether I took the injection or chose to wait on it, the whole process would be lengthy and required frequent followups until the pregnancy hormones dropped to zero and mass disappeared.
We went back to follow up together 2 days later again. By God's leading, we took injection that day and I was warded for a day of observation. The decision was made with assured hearts, the hormones are coming down but still in 200 plus, though we could wait but the follow ups are taking too much time. Hence we received the methotrexate injection to speed up the process. I think it’s time to move on. That night, in the ward, I had a good time with God while Wei En took care of the kids at home. We are working on the same thing, but at different place. The Lord strengthened my heart.
Though I still have to return weekly for monitoring, I think we have grown much from it. Thinking back, we did not regret the decision made at each juncture. I thought of many brothers and sisters with illnesses. When they were informed about their diagnosis and possible treatment options, how did they face the situation? I believe it must have been difficult for them to reach a decision. In medical world, when most things are about risk vs benefit, and dr's liabilities, sometimes information given can have its biasness. I guess we are glad that we did not succumb to the pressure from the drs to "do something about it", as we just wanted to make sure we heard the still voice of God in all the rush and impromptus moment. I realized that in our Christian living, it is often not the decision we made but the process of seeking God that builds our faith. One will not regret his decision if he has chosen to walk with God in the process.
Yet, sometimes when I feel really weak inside, I still cried to God and asked if He could just reverse all that had happened. Can He not give me such a pregnancy experience? He surely could, but He still gave it to me.
I remember in the book of Job, the godly Job suffered because God recommended him to Satan. It is a test. Do we fear God and walk in His way because God has sheltered and protected us in all things? When test comes, though it can be difficult and awful, the Truth we know and have learnt reminds us that the one who is in-charged of the test is not Satan, but God. There may be trials and sufferings that we feel painful, and we might not know the reason but it is of greater importance that we trust Him that He has got it. He brought us through seasons to grow our faith and our dependence on Him. I must confess that I am not godly as Job, I don’t deserve what he deserved. But as I look to the story of Job and reflect on my own journey, God exposed a lot of impurities within me which I need to deal with. What drives my walk with God - good outcome, or God Himself? When I seem to obey God, is it because I honour God for who He is, giving due credit and glory to Him alone, or because of the rewards or good that may come along with my obedience?
I believe in a Christian’s walk, it’s easy to obey God and give glory to God when things are good; but when things turn unexpected and as one is still struggling to go through it, to obey God and to give glory to God because God still reign, can be very difficult. It is counter-nature, and only through the Spirit’s intervention and help can one do so. However, just because it is difficult does not mean it is bad - God refines His children with love, through these struggles. When we are exposed to the impurities within us, and bring them to God, we are closer to victory in Christ.
Honestly, at each checkup after the injection, I still feel sad when I returned to monitor the condition. I secretly wished it could be a simple miscarriage which does not need so many follow-ups, but God has ordained this process. I told Wei En, it was hard for me when I am shown to be pregnant from the hormones check, but I won't be having a baby in the end. He comforted me through John Calvin's biography. John Calvin and his wife were pregnant 3 times, but they had miscarriage x1, lost a daughter at birth, and delivered a son who would die at 2 weeks of age. Calvin later wrote, "The Lord has certainly inflicted a bitter wound in the death of our infant son. But He is Himself a father and knows what is good for His children." This brought great comfort to me, and really encouraged me to move on knowing that there are great giants of faith who had harder times than me, and they still saw the glory and goodness of God through those sufferings, and God had not disappointed them.
God granted me some restful period and I could dive deeper into His Word, I enjoyed these moments. As I pray for wisdom and fixed perspectives in raising my own children, I also pray that I could love and nurture those children whom I will engage in Sunday School. As I think about Joshua, Nathan, and other children, it further engraves in my heart that though I hope to love and protect them from harms and dangers, I cannot safeproof things at all times. In their trying moments, they need to struggle through those moments with the God they know. I hope to teach them about God well, and may God regenerate them in His time so that they can call upon God themselves in all things. There is no safer refuge in this world other than the Truth of God.
Was reading some first catechism with Joshua and I was reminded once again the reason we could glorify God in all situations. It's because God made us and takes care of us.
God's providence is such a great encouragement and assurance to our Christians' living. No wonder John Calvin said,
"It is a great thing to be subject to the majesty of God."
Amen.
