Call me to Wake Up

Realized that it was January when I last posted something here. Sometimes I wonder what keeps people continue blogging/ writing diaries? As for me, I think it's because I want to talk to someone that's why I write. Yet I can't seem to find the best person to voice out my thoughts. Or rather, I can't seem to find a right time to talk to the right person about the very right thing that I want to talk about.

Honestly, there's been an explosion of thoughts and emotions in me over a span of 3 months.

Would like to ask a simple question. Have you ever prayed for a dying person/ a person who's just announced dead with a fearful heart? or.. Will you be afraid that the person who's just passed away suddenly jerk and open his eyes widely and stare at you while you're praying for him?

I felt a whole lot of these awhile ago.

And if one really probe deeper, why would one has such a fearful heart?

Answer is simple - because you think you might have done something wrong to the person.

I felt awful. It didn't occur to me that the situations will take such a sharp turn. Uncle had a very bad infection that could possibly take his life away but he responded to the more potent antibiotic which was given over a course of 2 weeks. The team was planning for step down care/ discharging to nursing home already when the situation suddenly turned quite bad. Very bad.

Perhaps I should have realized it sooner. Perhaps certain things should be pointed out much earlier. But he only came under my care on Monday when I managed to point it out on Tuesday. Did a lot of literature search but perhaps it's really too late to even do, or stop, anything.

Walked past the room and saw palliative nurse attending to him. Palliative = end of life. The blood pressure was low at 50 systolic only and we all know we're losing him.

Felt horrible really. Uncle is a christian. The son is a musician and no one sees it coming. Shock is the word. Son didnt want daddy to die alone. He was rushing over very soon. The palliative nurse, being a very kind soul, played christian songs at background.

Uncle appeared peaceful.

Felt so sorry for him - for the pain, for the what if's, for the no one around at that point of time.

I didn't know if he's conscious enough to know that God's with Him.

I hoped he didn't feel alone and knew that God's there with Him.

My heart urged me to whisper a prayer near his ear. I did - but honestly, I didn't know what to pray except to reassure uncle that he's safe in God arms and he fought a good journey in this carnal world. Shame on me. More shameful that this is, a part of me felt that I could have done more for him, thus feared that he'll blame me.

After praying for uncle I left the room. Couldn't take the emotions.

Kept asking why I had those apologetic feelings. Perhaps it's because I think I can do a lot for him, and may be to all my patients when the fact is, there's nothing that I can do for anyone at all in this world because I'm nothing of that kind of capability.

I am not God, I am not the one who created all the things on earth including humans. The guilt came because I thought I could have done something for him. Because I'm have some pathetic knowledge about drugs and disease I thought I could have helped.

But those knowledge that I acquired cannot save souls and it drowns away mine. I have been blinded.

When was the last time I seek guidance from God while at work I asked. I can't seem to remember. Such a joke. I have been working for myself, thinking that I can save the world when I should turn to God and not myself for every patient that I review - because it's only then that I can serve God at work and see how He uses me at work. I did not even seek His perfect will in every situations that come my way. All I did was to feel lousy, angry and sorrowful.

Such a fool.