What is Pain?

Have you ever had nightmares?

Don't know why, I started having nightmares and near to terrors 2 years back. I will have vivid dreams of something that had happened or going to happen, terrified and awakened, and find myself drenching in sweats. And I will be unable to sleep thereafter and keep sweating for the rest of the night.

The repeated contents, the similar dreams, and the seemingly never-ending terror. I know Satan is always toying me around with this.

And I had one on Saturday night again.
No matter how life seems to go on, the ache and pain still linger.
Somehow I thank God for retaining me a glimpse of humanity. For my humanity set others free and I really don't mind bearing the consequences myself. Ironically, I am still able to wake up each day thanking God for the pain, for it is necessary to make me who I am or who I should be. I cannot imagine myself establishing my happiness on others' sufferings.

I must say that God has the most utmost sympathy for me. Besides that matter, He has shown absolute compassion in every other aspects of my life. For example, even though I have been busy with works and sometimes missing fellowships, I still have a bunch of brothers and sisters who will constantly reminding me that they are always there for me for the years that I have left. I have not been devoured by the works or climbing the success ladder, for life is about relationships. Sometimes I wonder why people will sacrifice relationships for money, work, and their own selfish desires. What I can say is, if those things can be exchanged with money, can be bought with money, they are not something you should work very hard for. The glory of success you get from work, the name you yearn to earn for yourself, they are all passing clouds and you can't bring them all when you bid farewell to world.

To continue, even though I am new to the job, and just started dispensing 4 weeks back with my amateur experience in counseling.. but when God sees my sincerity of wanting to give my best to my patients, He rewarded me abundantly. To my amazement, I have patients thanking me for explaining things so clearly to them, the importance of their treatments, the important things to take note of for the medical conditions they are suffering and the medications, I can see the doubts leaving their faces and what remain are 'oh now I know... etc etc..' I am very encouraged when I see that their confusions were gone. And sometimes, I see 1-2 of them coming back to me after paying for their bills, just to thank me. And suddenly I understand that my life is with a purpose, and God can use me to bless others around me, be it patients or colleagues, be it friends or lost friends. I know every single reason why God has meticulously put me in such a place like where I am now, and I'm deeply consoled and become more courageous come what may.

AND I have a very good preceptor whom everyone is envious of. Although we always stay up late to discuss about the project, I will be fetched home by the most awesome MAZDA black car. The conversations, the little transparencies that I could share are really what I deem to be important. What more could I ask when God has carefully selected the most awesome people to be placed around me?

And I have a sister who is consistently showing grace to me. We're buying house soon :) Went to look at a few at bedok south road, but the house is too old and small and we decided to keep searching until God says stop. I really wish to have a house soon because this house will be a place which nobody can kick me away, push me away like how it has been all these years. Sometimes, when people push you away too, home is the best place to hide and cry isn't it? :)

Spent the whole day out yesterday. First was church, then was sentosa and volleyball, last was watching fireproof with the bunch of blessed brothers and sisters. I am so thankful that SL offered to send me home yesterday, and again, for the blow that I had in the morning, God was trying to tell me that He's with me no matter what and as long as He is with me, I do not need to worry.

Come and think of it, I really should count my blessings.
When I need help, Help always comes.
When I need love, Love always comes in different variations which I can easily identify.
When I need to cry, He always listens and whispers into my ears that He knows what's best for me.

At the end of the day, though reluctantly painful, I still must say the pain is good for me.
It draws me to God every single day and it is this unfailing God whom I need most in the storm. The conditions He has placed in me are the best for me. I still have sufficient grace despite the thorn. Living with it for the rest of my life is unbearable, but breaking it down one day at a time seems to make thing more bearable.
When you think you have been through the toughest, suffering the aftermath is nothing, considering you only have that few years left before you bid farewell to world :)
Amen :)


ps: I heard that the movie UP is very nice, if you (anyone!) has time let's go and watch together. I haven't watched movie for a very long time.

My sister is currently in the delivery ward now. She is going to be a real mom soon :) Next year, after my pre-reg, I wish to bring her and baby for a short trip. Any recommendation? :)