This is my 2nd last week in surgical wards, and I am starting to miss it already.
Yesterday I was sos-ed to help s3 again. I like it do you know? I like running to medical wing to help out with dispensing and doing discharges. S3 is a very familiar place to me. Although we deal with geriatrics and general medicine there, I like this medical wing loads because the feeling when you step in there is different.
I was doing one discharge that was almost 100% similar to my viva question last month. Epilepsy and phenytoin. The titration of phenytoin doses and monitoring of the levels, as well as many components in the management of epilepsy, which I was so not good at before I started out as a pre-reg, have slowly become better over time. Sometimes, I really am amazed by God's works. Without me knowing, He has strengthened my clinical knowledge bit by bit. I really feel very blessed, because He always places me in situations where I could learn, and with people who are willing to teach and share knowledge with me. Sharon and Adeline are always busy yet whenever they are with me, they will ask me qns and share with me certain things which really stimulate me to dig deeper and to want to know more. Huiyie, siska are very nice seniors who always give me opportunities and encourage me to do what I think it's right; and dear joanne is really adorable because she teaches me a lot about managing a patient in all ways and I really am grateful to follow her these 2 weeks. All in all, I must say, I feel very blessed :) God always works in the most practical way!
Lately, I have been collecting a couple of interventions. These interventions are very important to me, because it has doctor's handwritings on it :) Sometimes, while reviewing wards, when I saw some drug-related problems that deserved intervention, I will write a note to the doctor i/c. Some doctors will reply and explain and thank you - and I really feel very touched when they bothered to reply me and thank me! It just gave me a stronger sense of teamwork :)
Back to yesterday, when I was in ward 3, I saw an old lady, in her 70s, looking really sad. Her eyes were tearing, she was standing at the corner of a patient's bed, her eyes looking across the cubicle, staring at that particular bed which was "cordoned off" by the blind. If I didn't guess wrongly, the team was resuscitating her poor old frail husband. So she was just standing there, her heart must had been really worried and sad. I saw her clenching her fists, trying hard to stand still. I can see tissues in her hands. I so wanna approach her to give her a hug. Yet I didn't dare to because my eyes were tearing too. I suddenly thought of my mother. In 10 years time, when none of us are by our parent's side, will she be like this old auntie, having to bear all agony by herself and there's nothing that she can do except to pray.
Sometimes it's such an irony. It's so ironic that you are dedicating your life to save others' lives but not your family's. Ever since I started working in inpatient, I kept imagining, trying hard to picture, how was it like when dad was hospitalized for arrhythmia the other time. He didn't tell any of us. The worst thing was none of us knew about it when that happened. Because we were all not by his side. My mom must had felt very very horrible then. I can so imagine it. Being an emotional woman, she must had been afraid, like this old auntie too.
Have you ever had this sense of guilt towards your parents?
I just hope I have more time.
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