It's October already...
The weird thing is, I often visit my own website and it's actually quite a silly thing to do - because I am just seeing it and not updating it despite there's countless things which I want to say. Time flies, and things happened. And before you knew it, you're over that series of things. More will be coming ahead of you.
How have you been?
Truthfully, I know I have been myself and only myself ever since long time back. Sometimes I really have no time to organize meetings and hanging out with people, simply so loaded. Sometimes, I choose to not go out and just stay home - because all that I want is just being away. I know it's kinda weird, but this is something that happens episode after episode. Somehow, I am so used to it already.
OP rotation had officially come to an end in mid August. I honestly love it loads. Love the team dynamics, the adrenaline rush, the not-so-nice patients, the very grateful patients (and it's these patients who will make your day and give you reason to keep on going), the random stress and incidents here and there...
Something that I hated myself most was to leave with such a bang. I knew no one was there to blame me, but I really felt like crap when it all happened. Such a marvelous history that a pre-reg who's not even 3 months old had so many "incidents". A big part of me was so ashamed by myself, yet a small part of me was telling myself it's ok, what doesn't kill me make me stronger - at least for all that I've done not so correctly, I will make sure I won't do that the same way again.
But the day when it was rolled out during Roll call, it sank deep down into my heart. Trying so hard to look up at the ceiling so that nobody would know that I was tearing. It was just so hard. I just hated myself so so much. For everything. I sat in the toilet and all I could do was just cry and cry. And telling myself I'd better stop crying STAT cos I needed to attend a meeting immediately after roll call.
The period when everything was just oh-so-wrong.
Yet the amazing thing is, it didn't swing me to my lowest point. And my only guess is because I've been through worse shit than that and nothing seemed comparable to that.
And to Shak, Gerry, and every pre-reg, I just want to thank you all for being there to encourage me and reassure me that I would be fine and nobody was blaming me for anything.
I know you were all standing outside the toilet when I was tearing inside. I just wanted to hide and pick myself up, and I just want to always look strong like how I always did. Thank you for believing in me.
Shak, even though you're not reading, I am really grateful for who you are and everything you've done. Thank you for listening, over and over again. Thank you for accepting me the way I am, understanding me that I am human and everyone makes mistakes. Thank you for telling me that it's ok to have emotions. Thank you for being such a friend and preceptor.
To Gerry, I am sorry, but at the same time, I am thankful for what have happened. I know it hits me hard and I have been a little negative at that point of time.
And to Claudine - I really miss OP and seeing you FM-ing, and I don't know why.
Perhaps it's just me. When you said that it's because I never avoid problem and no matter what comes along, I will just go forth and take it, that's why I am predisposing myself more to such incidence. I don't know if it's wrong, but I know if the same things happen again, I will still go forth and take them up, because I should learn to take them up and handle them.
Whatever it is, I am glad that they were bygones and I know I grew up a little..
A break back home was definitely light-heartening and I was so happy to see my niece and my sister.
She is really very adorable :)
And my sister surely had a tough fight delivering the baby I know. She's a little weaker. Maybe it's me growing up. I feel that I have more responsibilities. I want to be there for my sister so much. And realizing that I am working and able to provide some support to her and her family made me feel so relieved, and happy at the same time. I like the new mission in me, and I really start liking providing for others, just like how God has always been providing me everything that I need.
After my short break was my first case presentation. It went quite well, and I was relieved and happy. I am deeply comforted by the feedbacks, and I know that God's telling me that when gave me a bolus of sadness, He will ensure that I will have an infusion of peace and blessings later on, as long as I hold onto His love, die to myself, and have my visions right.
Oh and I attended AH's DND with the others too. We won the best-dressed table k! So cool - pre-regs made such an impact wahaha... so happy...
The ever-so-cool and fun-loving pre-reggers :)
Pre-reg with Gerry - she's my inspiration and ONE of the big reasons why I joined AH
With Claudine!
Yea, so we really had loads of fun :)
AH culture is so different from other hospitals' - we work very hard, and when we play, we go all out too :) I like being at where I am, there are so many things I can provide, give, share and learn. What more can I ask?
So after OP I went to clinics, IT then finally 4 weeks of DI.
Honestly, DI is another favorite!
Enjoyed the challenging stuff the doctors, nurses, pharmacists asked. Finding the answers from the shelves of references and product inserts and online literatures are really very challenging, yet rewarding at the same time. There's so much that you could learn in DI and tomorrow is my last day in DI already. :(
Some questions asked these 2 weeks were - how to treat elephantiasis and do we have these medicines in AH?
How about leprospirosis?
Bactrim for acne vulgaris - severe?
What is nesatidine?
And many many more! Although sometimes people can be nasty too - but it's ok, at least I learn about all the things they asked! So exciting right :)
Tomorrow I am going back to the ward. I really hope things can be better. Somehow, I have started to enjoy the 8 flights of stairs that nobody seem to walk. It gives me moments of silence, secret hideout to pray, I need to listen to God's whispers of encouragement.
Hooi Ching, don't forget that no matter how big how bad how horrible the situation is, it won't be as real as the fact that God is with you and He knows about tomorrow. Do not forget Hooi Ching.. that the God who has been to your tomorrow is here to lead you today. Do not forget that He will not let you suffer more than you could. Do not forget that come what may, all I need is to stay focussed on the only direction. Hooi Ching, just do not forget..
God, please give me courage - to accept things that I cannot change.
Help me to refuse to let what appears to be happening to distress me and cause me to doubt.
Enable me to get my eyes off the things that make me afraid and put them on you instead.
Help me to pray about everything and then, once I have prayed, to leave the answer to that prayer in Your hands.
Amen.
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