You and Me

Dear you,

I have a lot of things that I needed to tell you badly. But each time, as I was about to start pouring out, there was a strong force that held me back from telling you everything. In the end, I kept everything inside me again.

Have we drifted apart? If we haven't, why is it so hard for me to feel convinced that you are still here with me. I feel so alone. Yet I feel that I am still alright living alone thus far.

Last friday, my good friend asked me over msn how has my life been. I said fine. Normal. You know, sometimes it just seems to the whole world that my concern is on my job and my job seems to be stressful. And people like to ask me how's my job etc etc... But really, there is no problem with the job, it can be intensive but I love my job. I look tired because it's not easy to wake up at 6 plus every day and always standing and running around throughout the day. But it just seems to people that my world evolves around pharmacy now and it's easier do conversations about job now that you are a working adult.

But seriously?! Job is perfectly ok.

It's you that I am concerned of. I feel that I might have lost you. Could it be possible? We have been through so much together. When I was down, desperate, totally crushed, you stood by me and held me in your arms. You told me that endurance for the acute pain would save me from the impending everlasting agony. I listened to you, because you were all that I had, you were all that I could rely on at that point of time. We were so much closer then. Everytime when I cried, I knew you were there for me wiping away all my tears. Despite the bitterness overwhelming me, I really really knew you were there. Your love was so real then that I could never had missed.

But why is it that I am missing your love so much lately.

No trials, no bitterness or what so ever, ideally, we should be nurturing our relationship. But why is it that I find it harder to hear your voice, feel your touch of love? Must we be bound together by hardships?

Will we make it through the days after the trough? I am scared, getting very frightened that soon I will never be able to get back to where we were. You are always the strongest, the smartest, tell me you will mend it back can you?

Dear you, my heart feels very very heavy. There isn't problems too grave that engulf me, have I taken for granted that you will settle them all nicely and there's no need to worry about anything anymore? I think so. I think I have taken you for granted that you will not let anything, or anyone to harm me. But through this, I am getting more and more complacent.

Remember you told me many months back in November, when I was still a pre-reg, that "giving is always better than receiving" through my encounter with the TB uncle. I still remember him vividly, and I think I love him much. He really had all of my heart. But ever since I dispensed to him at bedside that day, he readmitted twice, and passed away. Do you know why I am telling you this? I really want to remind you the emotions and things we had shared in the past. I wanted to tell you that I so wanna go back to who we were then, because I want to start giving more because I have you, and thus everything.

I know I shouldn't use our Sundays together to gauge how close we are. But I have not been talking to you. Sometimes, I don't even want to talk to you because I cannot seem to feel your presence. Everyday passes by like it's just another normal day, like a solo-me playing the solo piece. They said you are still with me, I know. But I so wish that you make your presence felt. It seems to me that the chance of getting closer to you is higher on Sunday and I know it's wrong. But I cannot help it. :( I have missed 2 sundays - 1 cos I went back to KL, 1 cos I was on duty. I am missing another one cos dad is in town. Sucks do you know? Not that I am the happy person in church, it just feels very suppressing to not be able to do my routine on Sunday.

That day, when people messaged me to check out the good news in my inbox, I had already known it. I know my pre-reg project abstract got accepted by ACCP(

Asian Conference on Clinical Pharmacy 2010)

and I had to do an oral presentation for it on the first Sunday of July. Do you know it sucks totally when people say I should feel honoured and happy because it's a great chance and ACCP is a big event? It really pissed me off then because yet another sunday that I have to miss and really, I didn't want to get accepted and present on the stage. I dislike the idea of competition involved in this. I know I sounded very against the idea of me presenting on ACCP in front of my boss, and people don't get it. I also don't get it. I just don't want, and don't want another sunday missed. Who cares if the hospital is gonna sponsor the registration fees. I know I sound like the president of people with distorted thinkings but seriously?! No.

I know your grace still amazes me. I really know. Dear, it was your grace that pulled me out of my trough. Because of your grace, I can be the most independent girl in most people's eyes now. I know your love and grace have never left me, but i can no longer be dependent on them to live day by day do you understand? They have to become something bigger. They have to transform into a kind of strength that make me able to do more, for you, and for others. Let me live with purpose again will you?

I am sorry. I know I shouldn't get mad at you. But can we start all over again? Must we wait till the camp for this seemingly lukewarm relationship to be rectified? What if it doesn't?

Can you fall afresh on me all over again?

From,

Me