Obesity doesn't come from one time Binging

Hello, how are you?

I have not been writing. There's a lot of apprehension when I am about to blog. I questioned myself many times, who are you? Who are you and why are you here reading what I'm writing? Did you come here because you've nothing better to do and would like to get gossip topics about hooi ching? Or do you come because you know me. You really know me, and would like to know what's going on in me and how has my life been?

Honestly, I did think about ending this blog because it reveals a lot of weaknesses in me that I cannot extricate myself from, yet. I was then reminded how painful it was to shut down a blog because it meant closing down the stories - be it your own or those you shared with other people. I felt a sharp pain in the heart and was awakened. You must be wondering, why am I so free reflecting on this not-so-important issue like whether I should end a blog or not? I guess it's because I feel so rotten inside out already, and my perceptions towards things and people have been quite skewed of late.

Today I did start reading the book of Psalm. If you're also doing your quiet time with God, I encourage you to start at this book too. It's a gem :) Are you now starting to wonder why someone as rotten as me will think book of Psalm is a gem? Instinctively, I have an answer to it -- It's because this book exists for people like me - rotten, helpless, praying for hope and strength, and the perspective towards many things.

I am a nobody. I cannot flaunt about myself being a faithful Christian despite attending church and listening to sermons regularly. Because many times I feel that i'm like a sink with an open drain - nothing gets retained.

I have a confession.

I haven't met God in the longest time ever. I can now tell you that this is the worst method to live your life. It gives a downward spiraling effect that only engulfs you more and more to the point of utter hatred towards life. Why?

Because life is simple. There are only 2 ways to live your life:

ONE: "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." The way of righteous.

TWO: "... They are like chaff and the wind blows away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment

, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.".The way of wicked.

My compass must have been under-construction, if not why do I feel that I'm the foolish one walking towards the 2nd path? Fortunately, I know I am fine despite I don't feel fine right now. Whatever happened, I just want to walk with God and meet Him now.

Today, I have another confession. (Yeah again!)

I want to re-discover myself before the Lord once again. I want to stop judging myself outside of Christ and start seeing myself in the realm of Christ. I need to stop hating myself for not doing what's supposedly right. Today, I need to present the accumulated bitterness to God and ask for forgiveness.

All in all, I need to really wake up. :( I have to stop feeling lousy and ashamed of myself because I don't need to. I don't need to because I am God's precious child, all I need to do is answer to Him and not others. I don't need to feel lousy because

any incompleteness in me is to be and can only be made complete in Him, only if I welcome Him into my life again. I should stop getting angry with myself for keep doing the wrong things because He knows my inert inability to do so and I will one day overcome them when I start praying and not rely on my limited wisdom.

Today I am also one step closer to letting go.

I should have done so long time ago, for it is taking too much of me, and making me too unhappy. Slowly but surely I promise You. I should let myself go and stop living

life using the myriad solutions that the world can offer, only to realize that I ended up on the 2nd path. I ought to start practising on how to let go of them and get reformatted all over again. I

know one day, You will make me strong like a tree planted by the river... and the leaves don't wither.

Sometimes people just need to start getting serious. Throughout the church camp that just passed, I realized one thing - that is the people on the stage --> they are dead serious about God and His words. They are dead SERIOUS you know? I got electrocuted for a moment actually - must be I have not been serious! And that life had been okay then and there and the accumulated grace from the past seemed to be STILL sustaining me through.

But then, the only change I need to make in order to get back to the right track again is to be serious first!

I know after saying all these, I will still make mistakes, still get into things that make me and people miserable in one way or another. But I shall let You give me a bolus of hope now. Show me that obesity really doesn't come from one time Binging!

ps: sorry for the incoherent thoughts. I can't explain myself actually :(