5 minutes a day?

Today something that Pastor said struck a chord in me.

What he was saying was - when our pure existence is to touch lives, to spread Gospel through people and our lives, how can we possibly not communicate with people through our daily living? How can we choose to be focused on the works at hands and forgo even a 5- minutes conversation with our loved ones?

I might have left out certain words/ sentences - but the gist is there.

You know, this is me.

Everyday, when I reach home around 9 plus, I will quickly go to shower and then start working on whatever that I need to clear. I know I will never be able to clear the piles of works - yet I keep telling I have to start doing before it's getting more.

I rarely talk to my sister, despite we are staying in the same house, sleeping on the same bed, sharing the same wardrobe. She doesn't dare to "disturb" me, because subconsciously, I actually radiate a "do not disturb me" signal to everyone.

One day. Two days. As time goes by, it becomes permanent.

We seldom talk.

And slowly, we lost the communication.

I became short-fused when I see her weakness.

She is still as tolerant. Although sometimes she also will let it off on me when I really piss her off. It's not that we are in a bad relationship, just that, our relationship is not getting better.

Perhaps it's typical for sisters to occasionally have a tiff, BUT i know things are slightly different for us. I remembered the reason I moved out from hall to stay with my sister was to get healed, and to build a home with her. I also remembered that we both hoped that when we decided to stay together, we would be closer and prayed harder for our parent's salvation.

But things don't seem to happen in this expected way.

No doubt I get healed, no doubt we are closer to getting a house.

But our relationship has been strained - because of my selfishness and my ignorance. I have always taken her for granted. If you know my sister, you will know that she's an easy going person, while I am more stubborn.

I know many times, we want to revamp this broken relationship. No, we want to overturn this barrier that's separating us. But I have always been too passive and I always tell myself - after pre-reg things will be better, I will spend more time talking to her.

But as I've told one of my colleagues that she cannot possibly wait for pre-reg to be over for things to get better - because if it doesn't now, it'll never be. The key is now.

And I think that I need to tell that to myself.

If I think that the barrier with my sister will disintegrate after my pre-reg then I am darn wrong. If I think that my workload will be less after pre-reg then I am also very wrong.

Because things will never get better unless I start praying about them now.

Can 5 minutes a day make things better?

I have too much pride :(

But I have no reason to hold this pride :(

This has always been bothering me.

And I know that now that I've penned it down, sent the petition to You, Your help will definitely come. God, I know that few months later, as I look back, things will definitely be different.

Give me the courage to crush the gate.

To you: You might have known, you might have not known about this website. But if you do know, don't let me know that you've known. I do not know how to face you if you really know. Because many times I cannot live up to what I've said. Yet sometimes I wish you know my heartfelt apologies. I know I have really been a nasty sister. I really know. But I really am blessed. I am blessed to have you with me through the years. I shouldn't have expected you to be a different sister, because whoever you are, whatever you've been, are really the best that I could ask for.

Lord, I invite Your presence to invade my life in a fresh, new way.

Help me to sense Your presence in greater power and depth than I have ever been able to before.

Take away ALL feelings of separation, rejection, or lack of connection to others,

and give me a greater sense of being connected to You.

What should I do?

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere;

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. "

Psalm 84:10

I kept playing this song today. I have not encountered anything too grave or difficult, but lately, I have this 扎心 and thus I take a one-day leave today. Although I know I should start studying hard for my Pharmacy competency exam this coming Monday, I couldn't really do so today because I have an unsettled score.

Is it coming of age?
God, today I just want to devote every second of my life to hear Your voice. Subconsciously, I know that something has to be changed and something needs to be done, would You tell me?

I do not want to the good girl in people's eyes. Neither do I want to be the good pharmacist in people's eye, I just want to be someone who's able to live by Your grace every day and spread Grace and Love to others.

What should I do God?

Thanks VS Thank You

Do you know what's the difference between Thanks Vs Thank You?

Honestly, I didn't know. But I do know now.

I once said thanks to people when I am truly grateful for what they have done but I often felt that this word 'thanks' is an understatement of my gratitude and sincerity.

One day, someone corrected me and told me that I should say "Thank you" to people when I am truly truly grateful towards people. I then practised saying Thank you in front of the mirror, using different tones and I realized that indeed, these 2 words actually transmit a heavier sense of sincerity and gratitude.

From then on, I started saying Thank you when I am really thankful for the good deeds people have done for me. Reason why I am sharing this is that today, like any ordinary day in AH, few words of thank you's suddenly set me into deeper thoughts.

Have I told you that I've been in Retail for 4 weeks already? Yeaps. I know that I mentioned inpatient in my previous posts but this rotation ended 4 weeks back and I was scheduled to go Retail for my final training.

I like Retail for various reasons. I have been wanting to have a comprehensive understanding on the products sold in my retail pharmacy, but I weren't able to do so until my retail rotation due to many constraints. Nonetheless, God has equipped me prior to my retail rotation such that when I am finally at it, I am more specific in my learning. I also sense a greater sense of independence.

Truthfully, I think I'm blessed with the best pre-reg training schedule. Started out in OP where I learnt all the operations and simple overviews of disease management and therapies, to Drug Information where I learnt about how to answer enquiries and find answers when I don't know what's the answers for the enquiries, to inpatient where the learning curve is steepest yet I feel that God has staged me well all along. I feel very protected throughout my pre-reg training in fact, it is as if everything just fall into place in the most perfect timely manner.

Oops back to the topic - why I like Retail.

Retail is a very special place. You get to learn about the most basic medicines - the medicines that people often buy. You learn about rehabilitation aids - wheelchairs, walking frames, commodes and their differences. In retail rehabilitation corner, things are priced differently and despite the similar outlooks, they serve different functionalities! So I actually took quite a long time to learn about this rehabilitation aids.

Dressings. You think it's simple? Wait till you see a real pharmacy's wound care corner and you will know it's a grave headache. You need to know which dressings are for exudating/ non-exudating wounds, stoma care, ulcer wounds etc etc.

In Retail, you learn more about feeds and toilet care too.

But what I really love about Retail is the patient interaction. This kind of interaction is different from that you experience in inpatient/outpatient. There is a greater educational component in retail, and I find myself involving more in correcting mindsets, offering non-pharmacological (non-medication) advices and chatting. Yea chatting. :)

Back to my thank you topic.

In the morning, an uncle came to my pharmacy and asked me if I could sell him some omeprazole. He is a very friendly uncle, not very educated but friendly. I could sense that he respects me. I checked in the system and found out that he actually took omeprazole for prophylaxis of heartburn due to some incidence with aspirin. He needed a few more capsules to last till his next appointment.

The first thing that came to my mind was - thank God! Thank God that omeprazole was re-classified to Pharmacy-only medicine 2 months back if not poor uncle has to get a prescription to buy this medicine, which is quite a hassle. Luckily, the amount that I could supply is enough for him to last till his next TCU.

Spent some time talking to him just to find out how he has been taking other medication - he is on aspirin so you can imagine what's on board for him. Clarified some misconceptions and also encouraged him to take his medication correctly. I actually praised him for being such a good patient - to come to Pharmacy to purchase medicines when he knows he doesn't have enough to last till the appointment, rather than choosing to miss the medication for a couple of days.

The conversation was a happy one. After he paid at the cashier, he kept saying "thank you" in the most unclely tone when he walked past my desk.

I felt touched. Really.

I have been quiet lately. Many things bothering me.

But his thank you woke me up.

During noon, there's this loving father who came to me asking for some advices.

He mentioned that his 8 year old daughter fell down yesterday and hurt her knee. The wound looks "raw" and he would like to get some dressings.

I asked a few questions. Mainly on how active is his daughter, how bad is the wound, how big etc etc because they affect what I want to recommend later on. So in the end, I recommended him to use primapore.

He was very happy.

Suddenly I thought of my father. Dad did the same thing before - he went to pharmacy to buy things when any of us were unwell - and he liked to ask many questions :) Hee..

I then advised him what should be taken note of when dealing with the wound. Is it ok to cover it all the time. Antiseptics and washing solution. What if she goes to school etc etc.

When I finally left him, he mentioned "I really want to thank you. You gave me a lot of useful advices. Thank you so much".

I felt touched.

You know, I felt that I could just die after that. Felt as if I can leave with no regrets because I've done all that I could. I felt that all the time after I dealt with patient that came to me. Felt as if I can just die now. Weird huh?

In the afternoon, a lady came to me wanting to buy zyrtec D and Clarinase. I asked why? She thought these 2 medicines are different in their actions. I told her they are the same, just different brand. Same purpose. Price difference of 0.04 cents only.

She then asked me about panadol and menstrual cramps for her daughter.

Spent quite some time with her to clear her doubts. I am really happy whenever I do this - educating. She said Thank You on her way out.

At the end of the day, when i was about to go home, a lady came to buy wheelchair for her father. Her father had a stroke. Spent almost half an hour with her. She told me stories - I actually enjoyed the conversations --> the stories evolving around her father were quite interesting. But it's also through her stories that I asked her to buy the cheapest wheelchair, albeit heavier. Not that she's poor [she drives a big big car!], but because of the environment their family is staying [they stay in the temple, her father was a chinese physician etc], I really do not think the lightweight wheelchair is suitable.

The lightweight one is made of cloth - it's very hard to clean. Though her father lost weights and weighs only 40+ kg, but given the temple setting where there's so much dust, and the dogs running every where, I really think lightweight is not a suitable option. Although it's easier in terms of transport, it may give more problems in many other ways.

I chose the standard chrome wheelchair for it's material - the leather can be cleaned easily and although it's heavier, it serves the basic functionality pretty well. No need detachable arm and footrest as requested.

Lightweight

Standard

I told them my views. She kept telling me how stubborn her father is. She's really quite engaging I must say. In the end they bought a walking frame and the standard wheelchair. When I came back to the desk to take my stuff, auntie kin told me that the lady wanted to say "thank you" to me.

Does it occur to you that I've been doing just one thing today - that's to count the number of thank you's I received?

I don't know why I was doing that. At that moment I really felt that there's a purpose in every thing that I encounter - the people, the matters. I feel useful to be able to provide solutions to people who really need them. The "Thank You"s were just gentle encouragement from God that when I was distracted by things, I should fall back to the blueprint.

I know that these Thank Yous are actually God's attempts to dilute my unhappiness and take away all dread of my problems, and to give me a greater sense of His presence. I am so happy to realize it.

From now on, I just have one thing in mind - to hear His voice instructing me, to draw strength and determination from His words and to live out the Christ in me.

Goodnight :)

Choosing the RIGHT thing

Lately, God kept flashing certain words in my eyes.

OPTIONS.

That's the word.

CHOOSE.

That's another word.

How should I say? Many times, I felt suffocated by the piles of works that never seem to be able to clear. Many times, despite running out of time, I still choose to do things which I should not do - or rather, doing things that do not fit their priorities.

I often choose to rebel. I know what's right, yet I always choose the opposite way. And guess what? Then I suffer the consequences from my lack of control. I seem to be playing an episodic drama that keeps going on and on with no ending, and the ridiculous thing is, the storyline is the same - ending is the same, ie the pathetic, frustrated, unhappy me.

Sometimes I get so afraid. I am very scared that my growth in Christ has stopped together with that incident. Because I was not driven to desperation anymore, so I tend to take things for granted, take them in a lighter mode. But as I continue behaving like this, the tranquility in me is being distorted, and transformed into raging waves that almost engulfed me.

STOP.

Another word.

I have to stop letting loose. I have to buck up in prayers. It's not a duty, but that's how I've been living. I soon realize that praying is like breathing. Without prayers, I cannot even think properly and correctly. Without prayers, I feel so powerless against the many things that are coming towards me. Without prayers, Satan's thoughts keep attacking me, the old stories came haunting me, and I became more and more depressed and I lost the power to fight. Because I don't even know if I'll win the war?

That's Satan's tactic.

He made you feel that you've lost it before you even start fighting the war.

What's the point of having 100% oxygen when you're not even breathing?

What the point of having so much blessings surrounding me when I can't even see them because I have stopped praying?

I really have to stop being like this.

I need to get back to the heart of prayers, the heart of searching You, and You only.

And yes You're right. Often we can choose the things we do.

We can choose to pray and not to indulge in the worldly entertainment that only makes you sink deeper.

We can choose to think in God's way when the situation is bad, because God's promises never fail.

Choosing to do the RIGHT things can be so hard.

I tasted the intensity of this difficulty.

Yet along with it, I have also forgotten that things will not be impossible if I pray, if only I have the heart to pray. Set my mind to pray about it and have the willingness to anticipate how God is gonna work through me.

I feel so so stupid. For choosing the wrong things all the time.

I feel like there's no time to waste. I have to choose to do it right NOW.

God has not given us a spirit of fear,

but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

Fear NOT girl!

Happy Chinese New Year!!

The long-awaited break had come and I will be heading back to Singapore in a few hours time. Once again, I gonna say - time really flies :)

I didn't go out to visit many relatives. Opted to stay home most times. Not that I need to do work (yes i actually need to, but just too much inertia to do so), I wanted to rest that much. Jaded by work? Not really. Not to that extent yet. It's just that, at some points of your life, you'd wish to just halt for a second and let the brain go dead for that second.

Lately I've been running away from many things.

I haven't found time to sort the things out yet. So many things to sort out, all wired up in my brain, yet I don't have the time to unwire all of them. I didn't dare to un-wire them abruptly or do so in a rush (i am always good at doing things in a hurry mode), because they are important elements/ things to me, and I don't want to ANYHOW deal with them.

I need to find time.

Yet deadline is my most imminent enemy these days.

Had just finished one case presentation last Tuesday - The patient in ICU. I briefly mentioned him a couple of posts back. The presentation was well done and I really got a lot of good comments. I felt relieved. Really. I knew I was digging my own grave when doing this case, yet I couldn't let it go - because of the expressions of the mom and son. Although he passed away, eventually, deep down in my heart - I know I've learnt a lot from just this "encounter".

Back to the deadlines - pre-reg is ending soon.

Next Monday I'll be taking the Board Exam. I will get my license - if I pass the exam.

Then it'll be pre-reg project presentation few days after the exam - not even 30% done and I am so gonna vomit blood already.

Next will be the write-up.

Then the learning log - I really am quite sick of all these :(

And it's so easy to forget who's in control when things get busier.

God seems to be the last in my mind - yet He's always the first to hold my hands all the time.

Such an unfaithful me lately.

This is so human. Suddenly I am disgusted by myself. Because I assume one of the characteristics which I detest most in my entire life so far - To take people for granted, especially the one whom love you most.

This is so me - when things get busier, I became thrifty with my prayers and communication with God. I couldn't even attend my regular church meetings - and how could I have done that?Those are the only times that I get strengths to renew to live my life.

So I am practically a walking zombie.

I feel so far from the spirit.

Gosh, God.

I need to take things One step at a time.

If I say, "My foot slips,"

Your Mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.

Psalm 94:18