Christmas in my Heart! :)

Merry Christmas!!! =)

How's your christmas this year? Hope you had a good christmas with you loved ones.

Can't believe that it's end of year again. Really love christmas for too many reasons. To me, the air around christmas has always been the most wonderful. Not so much for the gift exchange, but more for the word 'Christmas' itself - it exudes an atmosphere of love, being together, and remembrance.

Went caroling with church again this year. Though this is something that we do every year, this time it gives me a different significance for I had the chance to help out with the planning with brother randy, although the contribution is little. Didn't sleep much the night before caroling for I was out with ssg peeps till near 4 am, and having to work the next day really makes things harder. But ONE thing is true that when the heart is truly joyful,  adrenaline and endorphine will naturally be secreted in extra-ordinary amount and make you pull through the day with sufficient energy and strength. I'm glad that the reservoir of adrenaline+endorphine were just enough on christmas eve and with great companions like my brothers and sisters in Christ, things have never been too difficult :) Really enjoyed the message shared during caroling, and I'm glad that God once again re-inforce the value of being God's child this Christmas. It is not about my condition, it's about me and my identity. Amen that Christmas is here again to give us a timely reminder. And Amen that Christmas comes and goes but Jesus always stays with us through it all. Amen =)

This Christmas has an added meaning to me too. My parents, elder brother and sister-in-law were in Singapore this Christmas to spend time with us. Can I tell you that I'm really really filled with loads gratitude these few days? Have been wondering how to tell my parents that I won't be with them during Christmas eve because I will be with my church having caroling. Had so much fear brewing in my heart that they would be sad and hurt if I were to attend Christmas service and left them at home.

However, the more me and my sister thought about it, the more we were sure that escapism is no longer the solution. Our Lord has brought us this far. I just want to say - I'm really really very happy. I know the battle is not over but God is faithful to us. The fact that my siblings and myself were there during christmas service and being ministered by the message is a confirmation from God that He will take charge. That morning, as 4 of us were eating McDonald breakfast together and saying prayer for our family, somehow my heart grew a bit fonder, a bit stronger, and a bit calmer. God's in control and I should stop playing mind game from now on. I just need to live out Christ in every role of my life - a daughter, a sister in the family and in church, and a pharmacist at work. Although we joined them after church, although there're many unspoken feelings in their hearts, we spent the rest of the day well. It's more than enough already :) I pray that we can give our parents true Christmas one day, in Lord's timetable.

Blessed Christmas to you. I realize that God's the best Santa Claus I can ever ask for. As I recount my blessing one by one, I cannot deny that His grace is always there and in many strongholds of my life, He has kept me safe and wrestled the Satan.

Really, all I want for Christmas is You my Lord!

Your Love

Lately I've been listening to this song over and over again. Somehow, when I'm voiceless, speechless, or don't feel like saying anything at all, so much mixed feelings embedded within this tiny heart.. this song seems to sing out the speechlessness so well.

 

祢創造宇宙萬物 統管一切所有
但祢卻關心我的需要
了解我的感受
祢手鋪陳天上雲彩
打造永恆國度
但這雙手卻甘心為我
忍受徹骨釘傷苦痛
祢公義審判萬民
聖潔光照全地
但祢卻一再賜恩典
一再施憐憫
給我機會回轉向祢

祢的愛如此溫柔
超乎我心所想
這樣大有能力的主
竟捧我在手掌心上

祢的愛如此深切
我知我無以報答
但願倒空我的生命
學習祢謙卑的樣式
背起我自己的十字架 .

Daily bread

I have not been taking MC for the longest time ever. And finally before the year ends, I could take 1.5 days MC.  Falling sick is no joke. Nobody likes to be sick.  Was down with fever, cough and cold yesterday and finally decided I should rest at home.

The cough syrup is good. No wonder people likes to abuse it. It knocked me out from 7pm last night to 8am this morning and I didn't remember coughing through the night. With just 10ml. The great discovery of morphine-like cough syrup is surely good :)

Wonder how's things over there in China.. must be tough spiritual wars ongoing.

Anyway, lately I have been wondering what's the most constant thing in me through the year? Things change and habits change too, but the one thing that has never changed in me is the love for bread :)

Lord, give us each day our daily bread :)

I just realized that I'm really a bread-lover. I love to eat bread for breakfast. If not lunch/dinner. And bread is the only thing that I consistently buy through the years. So I think I really like bread a lot. :)

You of Little Faith!

I shall not wait for the new year to give my blog a new look.

Who says one can only get new stuff in a new year? For every day is new hence all things can be treated anew each day! :)

Have been wanting to rename my blog but it has always been difficult. For Living by Grace (the old name) has led me through the past four years and indeed these four years have been filled with abundance of God's grace and love.

But today, after the pulpit message, I have the conviction to change it to Living by Faith to remind myself 'You of Little Faith!'

Haha, I shall leave it like this for the time being :)

Priceless

This is my 229th post. I'm glad I've written so much over the years. Thank you for accompanying me all this while. :)

How have you been? It's almost October already. Did you spend the past 9 months of 2011 well? As for me, 2011 has been fabulous. This year is indeed a special year for my soul, my Spirit, my life, and my family.

It's wonderful to be able to live,and breathe, and laugh, and shed tears. Don't you agree with me? Life will be so dry and meaningless without all these emotions and series of events that happened in each of our lives.

Right now, I am in the airport waiting for my flight to Singapore. I'm early because I came to the airport with my brother and sister-in-law :) they just left for their honeymoon. I hope they can take a good break and enjoy themselves. Regardless of what the world thinks, my brother had fought a tough war and I hope he can indulge in some private moments with Kelly.

How I wish I am on a hilltop, sitting in a cafe and enjoying the sceneries surrounding me. :) somehow, my heart feels so full. As if it's filled with a lot of unspeakable joy and peace. Listening to the beautiful music from my iPod, somehow, I feel somewhat blissful.

I once heard someone saying, waiting can be dreadful. But it can also be an enjoyable moment, for the heart is the source of everything.

珍惜

My colleague was on leave one day and I needed to cover her ward. Geriatric Medicine ward (老人科). A ward which I started out as a pharmacist.

I stepped into the ward only to realize much had since changed. The walls have more decorations radiating some warmth to the already ZEN atmosphere. I walked to the end of the corridor to get myself a cup of water, while taking time to have a slow glance of all the patients in the ward. 

I saw a poster pasted on the wall of the geriatric ward pantry where family and caregivers can get water from. The four chinese characters caught my eyes. They are very familiar to me because I have the same poster pasted on the wall of my dining room back in KL.  

Unknowingly, I started tearing when I read the whole passage. 

My father printed this poster 6 years back and pasted it on the dining wall. One day, when I came home during one of my school vacations, he asked all of us to have a read. My heart sank after reading it, for I know I've owed them much. I have been away from home for almost 11 years now. They must have felt lonely and abandoned many times. I understand they yearn to have us accompanying them as much as possible, yet they have never really expressed their innermost desires for fear of hindering our development. We're their everything. But they have an unspoken sorrow and sadness lingering in their hearts because they know that they are not their children's everything. These were my realizations when I read the article in my dining hall that day. They must have been living in fear all this while. They fear their children leaving them. They are afraid of not being loved. They feel alone and might suffer in their illness and die alone. 

That day when daddy broke down in front of me - I really felt like dying. I've never heard or seen him crying. It was the first time I realized that my daddy has become so old. So old that he has now given in to sadness. First time knowing what it means by heartwrenching. Daddy wailed with pain. Mommy was crying. Me and my sister too. 

我最坚强的爸爸哭了。最最爱我们的人也因他最最爱的人伤到极点了。原来伤了别人的心是很痛的。伤了最最心爱的人其实是很很痛，痛得很想把他的痛快快转移到自己身上。

I was praying  that if God could, please take away the sadness. 

But the sadness remained. 

And the scene kept replaying in my mind every now and then. 

Daddy didn't do anything wrong to us. All he has done is loving us in his own way this entire life. To me, he's the greatest father i can ever ask for. I know God's love is unconditional and my daddy's love is although near unconditional, it cannot accept betrayal. However, my daddy's love is sufficient for me. 

I remembered daddy being very busy when I was much younger. I remembered daddy worked very hard because he has a mother, a wife, and 5 children. I remembered daddy always appeared in every external competition I took part so that I wouldn't be afraid. I remembered daddy drove 6 hours to singapore and 6 hours back to KL almost every month when I was in secondary school just to ensure I were well, despite spending less than 4 hours with me only.

I also remembered daddy always provides for us even before we ask, because he's afraid that we may be suffering in silence. I remembered daddy feeling sad but didn't dare to show it when he saw me being quite depressed 4 years back. There seem to be too much memories with daddy the great inside. 

Honestly, daddy was my sky. He made himself our sky so that he can protect us.

But now, daddy knew that he's not our sky, and that God's our sky. The betrayal, the "my children will not listen to me anymore" and many many more feelings seem to have gripped him and tortured him. 

Many times, I kept thinking why would such thing happen to us? Daddy was my pillar of strength, what kind of greater strength can surpass my daddy's love that's already so overwhelmingly powerful? Why do I now call to God for help every now and then and why He is the source of my strength now?

If we have never come to Singapore, perhaps the story will be written in another way. But there's no If, for it's  definite and planned for us to be here.

这是恩典之路。

没有来到这里，我就没有单单听到福音的机会。 因为爱爸爸，因为要爸爸真正的快乐，上帝把他心爱的子女带离他。 因为要给爸爸重生和明白重生后的自由和快乐，上帝让我们听到福音，信到福音，不能离开福音， 只因为唯一能震撼爸爸的人，就是他最最最爱的子女。

很多时候，我在想，上帝真的做了很多不能让人理解的事情。为什么上帝能那么样轻轻松松地就超越了爸爸在我心里的位置？为什么有了上帝就似乎失去了爸爸呢？为什么就这样信了上帝了呢？其实我也不知道。至今，我还是觉得是上帝自己来找我，找我的爸爸， 不是我努力去寻找上帝。我很清楚若不是上帝自己的“拯救爸爸的灵，心，身”计划，世上没有任何东西会使我忍心伤害爸爸，我们每个人都是这样。

I think perhaps I can understand what it means by "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."John 3:8

All this while, I've been wanting to tell daddy about my God. 

I have been wanting to tell him that I'm really very thankful that God came to find me and made me His child. Because He came to find me, He gave me the ability to understand His thoughts too. Have been wanting to tell daddy that accepting Christ is not about going to heaven after we die, it's about knowing heaven is here on earth even when we're breathing. Have been wanting to tell daddy that I am not afraid of tomorrow because God is holding my hands now and tomorrow and every day, and that's how I passed my every day for the past 10 years. 

Daddy, have been wanting to tell you that like you, I  am also afraid of loneliness. But every time before I could feel loneliness come near to me, God's love and words fill my heart again and I see angels coming to me and loneliness won't have a chance to have a foothold in my life. I really want to share this with you, so that you needn't be afraid, and know that you've never lost your children all this while. Wanted to tell you that I love you daddy. And God loves you too. His love can overwhelm every good and bad things on earth. His love is unchanging because He is an unchanging God. He gives me peace, and He made a covenant with me. He gave me a reason to live, and show me how to breathe. And He loves me even when I'm a bad girl and when I'm weak. I want you to know Him so badly.

Daddy, I tried reading my old blog posts again. One day, I would love you to read them too. From 2007 to 2011, I tried to read and recall what happened then, and why it happened, and what I've become now. But daddy, as I read, once again, I felt thankful that God's been there all this while to lead, guide, and educate me the path of life and I really think I've grown up. I realize that it's heaven to be able to identify and follow God's voice in my life. It's bliss to be able to reciprocate and being reciprocated. He teaches me what's important in life, how to love people including you, and how to overcome the many strongholds in my life. He extricated me from the many bondages of  flesh, likewise, I pray that one day, the bondages in you and the burdens on your shoulder will be released too.  Daddy, it upsets me to see how these baggages weigh you down and takes away your freedom. Sometimes, I  feel that you're living in hell, for you're so tormented. It's my greatest wish that you can live in heaven even now. 

Again, God knows my deepest thought. He knows I'll never be able to be firm in front of my own father. Yet He has known and heard our prayers for our family salvation. If not for this wedding, I think daddy will always be in denial,  refusing to face the truth and confront God. 

I felt so much better now. I don't want to waste daddy's time anymore. One day, when he's leaving this world and we're still in the same old hesitant state, I know we will blame ourselves for not standing firm to fight the spiritual war. I will be in total despair knowing my dad's soul is lost so Lord, open our eyes and hearts, we want to hear your voice. Give us the courage to bear the pain. Let us carry our father's cross. Assure us once again that our faith will win the war and our parents will be saved. Show us You're still in control. Help our disbelief.  Use the pain and sufferings Lord, make us Your vessels to do greater things. 

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the lord is kept safe.

(Proverbs 29:25 NIV)

And I really miss you

Daniel just messaged me.

He said Mr Ngooi had passed away.

It came all too sudden I felt very painful within me and still am.

Memories of him kept flashing back and somehow it got more intense.

I miss my Mr Highly Praised so much, and the thought that his sense of humor and wisdom talks are now bygones simply makes the heart feels so painful.

What happened to him?
Where are you Mr Ngooi? Are you in Lord's arms now?

A large part of me felt so regretful. I didn't visit him for the past 3 years. I should have.

I should have sensed his health went downhill when I saw him at sushi king that day.

It's too late. :(

Work. Play. Live

                                           Hello sweetheart.....

                                            Don't worry k... I'll be gentle...

                                                WAHAHAHA........
                                               
                                                                     .*poke*.

                                                ARRRRHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha. Must be wondering why I'm taking these shots huh? No reasons haha!

How's your day?

I have had a good and blessed day. It's just an ordinary Monday but God made it so realistically well-spent. No big happenings actually. Just that when I played the 'rewind' button on my day I felt so joyful and peaceful.

Maybe it's all about communicating with Him.
ICU review was like any other day but the heart felt so light.

Yesterday morning, I was waken up by a sms of someone remotely close. This person was a student who used to do attachment in my hospital while I was a pre-reg pharmacist and for a lot of reasons, I disliked him then. Although he is a Christian I just didn't have a good 'feelings' about him. I simply didn't like him. And he knew it too.

Perhaps we both had our own share of spiritual hardships and growth. Over time, I realized that my attitude towards him softened - because he left the hospital after his attachment; and also because I saw his transformation from a 'seemingly immature boy' to a more sensible guy, gradually more godly?

God changes people.
I deeply believe that. For many instances God has proven this statement true.
In this case, I know that it's not this person that God changes, but it's me that God has changed.

I was once so foolish. To judge people so easily and to think of myself too much. I am not any better than anyone actually. What's gotten into me to have thought of others as inferior and despicable? Shame shame Shame!

Yesterday, he sms-ed me to ask for help. His dad got admitted for a mini-stroke and he asked me who's the pharmacist in-charge of his father. The moment I received the sms from him, surprisingly, I wasn't disgusted by the sender's 'name'. Actually, what God taught me last Sunday did trigger a button in me. A stop and wait, then say,  button.

So I replied and answered all his questions. I knew that he's concerned because he needs to return to the camp in a few days time and his father is just warded to the hospital. We exchanged a few sms-es, prayed for him and the family and he asked if he could look for me today.

Today when I went to see his father, their pastor was at bedside and talking to the family. I then met my 'friend' and updated him, explained the condition, the treatment and rationales of the choices of treatment, and answered all his queries. His father was a bit upset because of his condition but we knew that when the medicine has already been in place, what we should do next is to turn to God and seek Him.

All in all, I just felt thankful. God worked between me and the friend and I'm happy because my friend's comforted.. Because of His presence between us, we forged a bond that's of a different kind. This friendship is so different. To me, it's a friendship that is from God and can only be sustained by Him.

Randomness again haha :)

Greetings!

Hello, how are you?

Sorry for the lack of updates. Don't know if you have such a feeling, but I often feel as if I don't have enough time to rest, reflect and to feel relieved ever since I've become a pharmacist. Sometimes, when the night has come, and I'm on my bed going to fall asleep - I do feel a tinge of regret and sadness for not living well that day.

In medical term - the above-mentioned manifestation could be signs and symptoms of depression. Haha!

Don't worry, I'm not depressed. I'm glad that there're 'emo' moments in me because I'm still a human and there's always the battle of flesh within me. Perhaps it's also for the same reason that I see the continual need to seek God, to pray, and to continue my brethren living although sometimes it could be tiring.

Anyway, just some random thoughts :) Felt bad for having this website up but not running.

I have a new phone! iphone! whee :D

                                                              I miss the guitar in penang :)

So Near Yet So Far

It's 12.39am already. I cannot fall asleep.

He went out of the house an hour ago without his wallet.

And he didn't bring cigarette. That's unusual, because almost 95% of the times, he goes downstairs for his 'wisdom walk' with his cigarettes.

Honestly, I cannot ignore the aura radiated from him the whole day. How should I describe - frustration, worried, pissed etc etc.

The aura felt so negative.

We can sense something brewing.

But he refuses to speak nor share.

Why is it that we are so near, yet so far. Satan is really toying us - really dislike you.

Must something really happen before one comes before You?

Ah... the door's opened. He's back.

Call me to Wake Up

Realized that it was January when I last posted something here. Sometimes I wonder what keeps people continue blogging/ writing diaries? As for me, I think it's because I want to talk to someone that's why I write. Yet I can't seem to find the best person to voice out my thoughts. Or rather, I can't seem to find a right time to talk to the right person about the very right thing that I want to talk about.

Honestly, there's been an explosion of thoughts and emotions in me over a span of 3 months.

Would like to ask a simple question. Have you ever prayed for a dying person/ a person who's just announced dead with a fearful heart? or.. Will you be afraid that the person who's just passed away suddenly jerk and open his eyes widely and stare at you while you're praying for him?

I felt a whole lot of these awhile ago.

And if one really probe deeper, why would one has such a fearful heart?

Answer is simple - because you think you might have done something wrong to the person.

I felt awful. It didn't occur to me that the situations will take such a sharp turn. Uncle had a very bad infection that could possibly take his life away but he responded to the more potent antibiotic which was given over a course of 2 weeks. The team was planning for step down care/ discharging to nursing home already when the situation suddenly turned quite bad. Very bad.

Perhaps I should have realized it sooner. Perhaps certain things should be pointed out much earlier. But he only came under my care on Monday when I managed to point it out on Tuesday. Did a lot of literature search but perhaps it's really too late to even do, or stop, anything.

Walked past the room and saw palliative nurse attending to him. Palliative = end of life. The blood pressure was low at 50 systolic only and we all know we're losing him.

Felt horrible really. Uncle is a christian. The son is a musician and no one sees it coming. Shock is the word. Son didnt want daddy to die alone. He was rushing over very soon. The palliative nurse, being a very kind soul, played christian songs at background.

Uncle appeared peaceful.

Felt so sorry for him - for the pain, for the what if's, for the no one around at that point of time.

I didn't know if he's conscious enough to know that God's with Him.

I hoped he didn't feel alone and knew that God's there with Him.

My heart urged me to whisper a prayer near his ear. I did - but honestly, I didn't know what to pray except to reassure uncle that he's safe in God arms and he fought a good journey in this carnal world. Shame on me. More shameful that this is, a part of me felt that I could have done more for him, thus feared that he'll blame me.

After praying for uncle I left the room. Couldn't take the emotions.

Kept asking why I had those apologetic feelings. Perhaps it's because I think I can do a lot for him, and may be to all my patients when the fact is, there's nothing that I can do for anyone at all in this world because I'm nothing of that kind of capability.

I am not God, I am not the one who created all the things on earth including humans. The guilt came because I thought I could have done something for him. Because I'm have some pathetic knowledge about drugs and disease I thought I could have helped.

But those knowledge that I acquired cannot save souls and it drowns away mine. I have been blinded.

When was the last time I seek guidance from God while at work I asked. I can't seem to remember. Such a joke. I have been working for myself, thinking that I can save the world when I should turn to God and not myself for every patient that I review - because it's only then that I can serve God at work and see how He uses me at work. I did not even seek His perfect will in every situations that come my way. All I did was to feel lousy, angry and sorrowful.

Such a fool.

Today

I went for a jog around my estate after work today. Attempted to leave on time because I shouldn't stay any further. I have a secret place now! Next time if you jog with me, I'll bring you there!

Today there's a drama in my ward.

I stepped into the ward after lunch and I heard someone crying very badly.

Voice of an old lady. She was sitting on a wheelchair. She was wearing hospital clothes. Foul smells. And she was crying very badly beside a bed.

The bed. An old uncle. Non-communicative. Toxic looking. Barely able to respond to her cries.

And she kept crying and crying.

When I probed further - the story goes like this.

Once upon a time, an old couple was admitted to the same hospital. Uncle was very sick. Auntie wasn't any better. But because of bed crunch, they were separated into different wards. Old auntie didnt want to leave old uncle. She kept crying and crying saying that she wanna be by his side. She was told that even in the same ward, both of them won't be in the same cubicle anyway because of gender issues.

But she kept crying and crying in her ever fluent Hokkien, asking people not to separate them. And she refused to be pushed away. Denied any treatment to the source of the foul smell coming from her leg.

The drama continued after I left.

Life. is. so. fragile.

Life. is. so. helpless.

They need God.

How?

Refine My Heart

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in Him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

1 John 2:15-27

Oft times when life is giving, and bounty I receive,

I put my trust in earthly things; To sinful ways I cleave.

But when in faith I fix my eyes on Thy celestial Throne,

I then bow ashamed at my vain pride and worship Thee alone.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

for I am as one undone;

my voice can only praise Thy name and worship Thy dear Son.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

my lips tho' unclean shall sing,

"Lord, purge my sin, refine my heart,

for mine eyes have seen the King"

Lord, I give myself a vessel;in Thy service I will be;

I hear you ask,"Who'll go for us?"Lord, Here am I, send me.

I will proclaim Thy cleansing blood 'till all the world has heard.

And salvation's lamp will burn so bright through the power of Thy Word!

Woe is me, Woe is me,

for I am as one undone;

my voice can only praise Thy name and worship Thy dear Son.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

my lips tho' unclean shall sing,

"Lord, purge my sin, refine my heart,

for mine eyes have seen the King"

We sang this song in Church camp last year. Today, we sang this song during worship and I had this nagging feeling within me that kept telling me that this has to be my prayer.

Woe is me.

Perhaps it's the messages preached in church these months that cut to my heart for they have been so densely focussed on the matter of our heart and spirit. I'm truly thankful, for I know this is exactly what a seemingly already numbed heart should know and re-embrace.

You know, I've been in a season of numbness for the past few months. I have been well, okay with my life - and because of that I felt that I've not been hearing from God. I always have this thinking that it's so much easier to experience and get intimate with God in times of trials but it's so much harder to even feel His presence in times of comfort. The former made one helpless and therefore needs to draw strength from God; but the latter made one becoming more complacent and doesn't see the need to draw strength from God.

I was the latter. And I hated it.

I blamed it on Him, for He took away the trials that once made me come closer to Him.

But I have been so wrong and I regretted so so much.

Didn't know such mistake can hurt the heart so so much.

Didn't know such thinking that 'it's harder to experience God when life is easy' can discount so much grace that I could otherwise have received.

I should have prayed when life has been kinder to me.

But I lost the momentum to seek Him when things become easier.

I lost the communication bit by bit when He's there all along, ready to echo my prayers. All I know was to blame it all on the numbness - so conveniently.

Shall just let bygones be bygones. Suddenly realized that relationship with God doesn't have to be a roller coaster and life doesn't have be to filled with trials and sufferings to know that God's real. Relationship with God is real, even without those packages of additives. Just like 爱情不是轰轰烈烈`的故事；而是平平淡淡的陪伴.

Actually, to be able to walk with Him, and to experience Him even in the seemingly normal and eventless day, can be the most blissful thing on earth.

My Heart, Your Home

Last week, in church, Shiya was sharing with me some of the nice songs from her iphone. She mentioned about certain songs she likes from Women of Faith.

A couple of minutes ago, I was just randomly searching for some other songs from Women of Faith and suddenly this video clip caught my attention.

I knew this song when I was 13 years old. That time I wasn't a believer. My good friend Esther and Stephanie kept playing christian songs in the school and somehow, my curiosity towards God grew.

Before I left for my studies here, they lent me a couple of cassettes mainly from Hillsong.

One of the songs that managed to pitch a tone in my heart was this song.

I didn't know why it intrigue me back then. I just felt a deep sense of calling.

What kind of calling? Called to do what?

I wasn't sure then.

But as I was listening to this song again, suddenly, a deep sense of comfort and serenity overwhelmed me. I'm just thankful I think. For God has done all He could to search me through and through and made me His.

If anything, or for everything, that I've lost words for prayers, may this song be my prayer then.

Come and make my heart Your home

Come and be everything I am and all I know

Search me through and through

Till my heart becomes a home for You

A home for You, Lord

A home for You, Lord

Let everything I do open up

A door for You to come through

And that my heart would be a place

Where You want to be

Welcoming 2011

Happy New Year to you, who still come by to read and know more about me :)

I have not been writing for quite awhile. Sorry for the lack of updates - have been quite busy lately.

I've finally moved into my home sweet home :)

I have the best christmas gift in 2010 - we invited our church friends to our house for caroling on christmas eve. I am glad that I am sharing part of my christian living with my friends. I hope that it's one step closer to my 'not afraid of sharing to others what I believe in'.

How have you been?

Do give me some updates about yourselves too k?

Weird enough, I was told that I'm the on-call this week. On-call on first week of new year - how cool is that? A bit of fear - if you've seen me doing on-call, you'll know that the adrenaline will overwhelm me whenever the on-call phone rings. Oh well, I guess it's part of growth. I'm sure God will shadow me well, if I stop and pray first, and not be overwhelmed by the enquiries.

Today, something, or rather a situation sort of affected me.

I don't know why the feeling just lingers in me for a very long time.

I hope it goes away soon.

I was very close to wanting to talk to someone about it when I just made myself quiet down and pray.

I was just being very quiet. And I thank God, because I turned to Him first.

Sometimes, turning to God first, can be the hardest thing to do. I am grateful for this baby step.

I was just telling Him - Oh God, this feeling doesn't come from You. It should go.

Why dwell and let the matter affect my spirit and emotion when I don't even know about tomorrow.

I felt a bit better.

The residual feeling still linger.

I know God will take care of it.

Cheerio to myself who chose Him first.