Updates :)

A little updates on what I'm doing these days.

I am in surgical wards these days. These wards mainly look after patients undergoing surgeries. To be honest, I have never seen so many gory images until these weeks. I have seen how blood oozing profusely out of the wound sites, pus, stoma etc... Because in this particular ward, you will come across many amputations. Many gangrenous foot - mainly diabetic foot, which have progressed until the point of no return and the only way to save the patient is to cut away the limb. So you have any friends/ family members who are diabetics, please ask them to be obedient to their medicines and diet - for the complications diabetes can bring are too much - it's beyond what a family can bear at times. If you have foot ulcer - seek treatment immediately, because if you don't, bacteria will colonize and as time goes by, you can no longer retain that part of your body.

Yea, so the most common things I came across lately will be diabetic foot, amputations, fractures, and many more. I must say, learning curve is steep, yet I am loving it because things are starting to piece together and I have many people who are willing to teach me :)

Another big blessing that God has bestowed upon me lately is Mayi - she has officially joined me in this project and having someone to share the load really make things so much more breathable. Really hope that this project will work out well - and I know it will. Mayi, if you're reading this, I just want to say thank you for being my partner and doing this together with me. :)

Me and my siblings went for a fabulous dinner last wednesday. There's this Japanese BBQ restaurant in CHIJMES - Gyu-Kaku! It's really nice. It is quite expensive but the food is really good - we ordered the beef that's imported from Japan instead of Australia and it's AWESOME!! Love the mushroom, the meat, the vege, the kimchi soup, the beer and the wine! Beef with wine is perfect combination I must say :) Although I was a little giddy after 2 glasses of red wine and some beer, I really enjoyed my night with my siblings. My brother got me a GUCCI RUSH perfume - aren't you surprised? :) My sister got me a hair clip and a tumbler because she sees me binging on caffeine and I lost one sometime this year. How thoughtful! :)

Yesterday

This is one of my favorite songs lately. Been listening to it over and over again. Would like to share it here :)

Hey, if you're reading this - just wanted to let you know that I am well. God has been faithful to me, He never let me bear more than I could. Though I am still in a process, I am fine. When I am weak, I am never weak in others' eyes because He strengthens me. My greatest consolation is that I can keep on living like this because He loves me.

And today, as I sat down in prayer, I think about you again. So once again, I put you into His hands and I wish you're having christmas in your heart every day :)

Merry Christmas :)

It's Christmas again. Soon it'll be 2010. When I was in primary school, my teacher taught me how to write dates on all our exercises. I remembered writing 1993. I was then thinking "Wah, when will I hit 2000?" It is just funny that when I were a kid I didn't think I will grow up so quickly. And now I'm a grown-up, yet I feel like writing 1993 again.

Time flies. And sometimes I don't even feel it passes me.

I feel like I have been through a lot this whole year. There's this huge force trying to destroy me completely this whole year. Everything about me, within me, are targeted in every way. I feel destroyed many times too. Crushed is the word. Yet this force is still there. Because the work has yet to be done.

Sometimes, it's not that you want to be blessed, it's just that somehow, you're forced to receive that blessing.

Just beyond words could tell.

You're my All in ALL

I thank God

for putting many nice friends beside me

Such that when the goings get tough

We will cheer each other on

When there are mountains of things to do

We will do them all together

When we are all dead tired

We will just fall asleep even when sitting, together.

Sometimes it's hard to deny

Despite the many challenges

God still give me enough grace to pull through

Despite the many worries

God is still the God who holds my tomorrow

Sometimes

I just feel very glad

That no matter how I have been today, what had happened today

My future will still be good

Just because I have God in my life

My All in All..

Is there a way out?

Why can't I do the things that I love, and don't do the things I don't like?

Is it just me being oversensitive or paranoid?

Why do I feel that God You always arrange me such that I will be dwelling the seemingly difficult task?

I feel that I am losing myself.

I no longer see myself, God. :(

I find myself numbed, painless, and ugly.

God, is there a way out?

I don't like myself.

God, please take away my life, when I don't have strength to give it all to you.

Season of Food :)

I need a recipe for christmas turkey and ham.

And I need the secret of making the pot-pie.

Aw... and I need an oven too.

Suddenly feel like making cottage pie too :)

God, I wish to immerse myself in this baking and cooking atmosphere this month! :)

Random thoughts.. again

Hello world, greetings from the airport! :)

Today, I have some encounters in the wards. Perhaps it's accumulative, and today happened to be the peak.

I think I like patient care.

Few days back, there was this 67 years old uncle got transferred to my ward. You wouldn't miss him. He's just so prominent. I find him very adorable in fact. He is severely obese, always in a drowsy state, and fall asleep easily even when sitting at the TV room.

And then i took a look at his IMR.

TB meds. Empiric treatment.

On warfarin, admist tonnes of other meds.


Sigh. He weighed 96 kg.


Reason I used "weighed" past tense is because he lost 5 kg over a span of 3-4 days. My anticoagulation pharmacist oversaw this uncle for his warfarin. It was through him that I learnt many valuable lessons. Lessons about managing multiple complicated drugs on a single patient who has so so many co-morbidities. Lessons about treating patient is just not about seeing the recommeneded numbers but really, to treat the patient rather than the numbers. And also, he reminded me of my dad.


Uncle is to continue 6 months of anti-TB meds, on top of his 9 other existing meds.


Typical anti-TB meds - 5 drugs - and because of his size, the max of all are used. Uncle has to eat 13 tablets of anti-TB meds half an hour before food. After food, eat his other meds (around another 10-13 tabs). Can you imagine such a pill burden on such an uncle.



Sometimes we always ask patients to be compliant to meds. We know every reason why they should be compliant, and we know it's for their own good. Yet, when you put yourself into their shoes, if you were them, could you even imagine youself taking 26-30 tablets a day. And they are at least of panadol size.


Yet, this uncle is so adorable. I felt like giving him a hug when I dispensed at bedside just now.


Uncle spoke Hokkien. But I can only speak 90% teochew 10% hokkien. Yet he understands.


He really has all of my heart - because through interactions with him, i know that he will be compliant. He's illiterate yet he will adhere to the numbers written on the drug labels. Everytime when I pat on his back, he will nod his head and signals me that he appreciates. Uncle cannot read, yet he knows some meds are for diabetes, some are for hypertension, and new ones are for TB. He even knows that rifampicin causes orangle discoloration of his urine and sweats because he noticed it during his stay in the hospital. Do you know how encounraging it is to find out that your patient actually take charge of his own health and know what's happening to himself, and to embrace the reality with courage?

Pardon me for the incoherent thoughts. Just suddenly have too much gushing through my brain. I am so gonna have a brain infarct.

Today, there's this good son whom I encountered that took all of my heart too. His father was warded for breakthrough seizures, and other diseases included dementia with behavioral disorders. Because of his illness, this malay uncle looked very irritable, and sometimes he will stick out his tongue to you. He is just so flustered, yet demented. He's like a kid most times.

And his son came to bring him home upon discharge. This son is a 30 years old obese man who's sweating very heavily because it's very warm in the ward. Yet the love and care he showers on his dad really touches me. He is a full time caregiver because of his dad. Unlike other people who don't care what the meds are for, he carefully tells me what are the meds and how he has been serving his dad the meds and these and that.

All these things meant a lot to me. They showed me that there are many people out there worth every of your time and effort.

Admist many nasty people, there will always be people out there who appreciates you. And I soon realize that what God said to me is true - Giving is always better than receiving.

Got my 2nd marathon medal last Sunday :) Yep! went for New Balance X-Terrain Run and it was quite a good experience. Signed up for 15 km with hui ling and despite having to wake up early for it, it surely was a good run and I didn't regret it. I didn't stop until 13th km when the final 2 km runway was superhot and unbearable dehydrating. Could have clocked a 15 km non-stop run but nevermind, try harder next time. The terrain and beach run were fine, and they were not as scary as I had imagined. Certain part of the route reminded me of Adelaide's Barossa Valley though... oh man, I so wanna have a getaway :)

This is my 4th week in inpatient. On Tuesday while I was reviewing my patients' medication record, I saw the staff pushing something rectangular in shape out of the cubicle. My heart skipped a beat then. Auntie passed away. Sigh. Did a few interventions this week and I was truly satisfied. Asked doctor to change certain doses in certain patients because of their kidney malfunction, suggested an alternative which can give better result etc etc... Learning curve is steep every day, and I am loving the role which God has given me :)

God has brought me to the Heart of Worship :)

Today has been another good day. Met up with Mindy for breakfast before the lecture - we have not been spending time together for a long time! Can see that she has her own problems and worries, life has given her much weariness too. Somehow, I feel so relieved that we are still making time for each other, listening to each other's problems, and cheering each other on. She has been a good supportive friend while we were in NUS, and i hope that I can be her support when she needs one too, when it comes to work and strength.

Met up with my buddy Eric in the evening and we had our dinner at Mykii @Holland Village. It is a nice restaurant with nice ambience and good food. Enjoyed the dinner and chat. He's still the best in what he's doing even in Deutsche. Haha. He's buying a house next year - a condo man! So proud of you friend! :) Perhaps fenru has to go over more often to help tidy up the house tho :P

How have you been? :)

Screaming.... and Waiting.

Today, old grandma at ward 3 kept screaming.

Today, old grandpa at ward 3 kept screaming for help.

Today, I feel like screaming too. :(

Lord, when I have trouble standing strong in certain

difficult situations, help me to not lose heart and fall into

discouragement. Infuse me with Your everlasting love and courage.

Enable me to be strong and whole in my mind, body, and soul

as I wait on You to move on my behalf.

To be or not to be?

Hello world, how have you been?

I have been well I guess. Mid-way through my pre-reg already, if you are me how would you feel? Time flies I always say, and I have to say it once again. Time flies, and I am going to fly too haha!

Spent more time thinking lately. Not that I've not been thinking, but lately the thread of thoughts have taken another path, a new path I have to say. Will let you know once it's confirmed.

It's my inpatient rotation now - inpatient means wards. So I am now dealing with patients in the wards already. Have you ever wondered what a pharmacist do?

Many people ask why am I so busy when all that you do is to tell patient 'This is panadol. Eat 2 tablets four times a day for fever and headache."

At times I felt insulted when I heard these.

But very quickly, my heart immediately feel at peace because I know that I do not care much about what people think or say about me or my profession, my greatest consolation is that God knows.

Perhaps it's this indifference that makes me more hesitant in commenting on stuff.

Perhaps it's this indifference that makes me want to do more for patients if it's within my capability, albeit nobody thinks highly of pharmacist.

I am glad, for God maintains this serenity in me. I still go to bed every day with a tired physical body but I always wake up with a soul full of passion and adrenaline to do what I should. I finally learn to live with grace alone.

Inpatient pharmacy is like a battle.

Doctor writes orders for medication --> medication orders sent to pharmacy --> pharmacy staff have to check if the medications prescribed are appropriate --> sometimes we call up doctors to discuss about better alternatives --> process orders and supply.

In the afternoon pharmacists have to review all patients' medication profile in the ward. If you think reviewing is easy then you're quite wrong.

Do you know what it means by an appropriate therapeutic option?

A drug can be an option for a particular treatment yet it can be unsuitable for patient. Do you know how appropriate a drug is to a patient depends on patient's renal, liver condition, his age, his intake, his output, his illness, how sick is he, is he able to take medicine orally etc etc.

Do you know how much considerations one has to go through before deciding to go forth with a particular drug? And do you know drugs interact with one another too?

And if 1 ward has 30 beds, do you know how long it takes to review a ward?

And if there are 2 wards to review and you only have 2 hours, it feels so awful?

But I must say I like inpatient. Although it's a mad rush during discharge time, but it's then that I appreciate the role of a pharmacist more. As a guardian of rationale drug therapy, like what doreen always advocates, I do agree we have to intervene until the best is given to patients.

I am in S3. Ward 3 is a geriatric ward. Ward 2&3 feel like a mini-IMH most of the times. You see very old people. You see quite a number of patients sent from IMH for critical treatment. You see a lot of old people lying down and letting you do all that you want. You see very pathetic scenes. Sometimes you will hear people screaming.

The world is so real. SO is a hospital. I have much consolidation of thoughts throughout my rotation in geriatric wards. All they need is not medical treatment, but rather, a healthy consistent dosing of loving tender care. They need love.

If one day I am an old and frail 80 year old lady, please let the doctor know I've signed DNR. Please also don't poke me with needles and tubes and catheters and pumping me with potent antibiotics etc etc. Let me go.

Sad things aside, lately I have quite a number of encounters with patient. Yesterday, this 74 year old Eurasian lady sitting on a wheel-chair wrapped her hands around my waist and said thank you for nothing to grave to thank about.

You might feel like vomiting if you hear this but I feel like crying then.

She said "You're like a flower. Are you married? You are always smiling, you look so loving and caring." - when all that I did was to explain the importance of lactulose in her condition and told her not to miss that anymore.

She held my hands and gave me a gentle kiss and said God bless. I felt like crying. I felt as if God has been looking at what I've been doing and am doing. I just felt so trembled within.

And I thank God for giving me this consistent bolus of passion to serve. For without Him I am nothing, yet through Him I already have everything.

It is also because of His consistent guidance that I know that my life has a greater purpose and I am walking towards it.

Pray for me :)

Cut to the heart

Lord, if these weakness of me cannot leave me, may You use them for Your Kingdom.

Lord, if these wandering emotions cannot leave me, please take my life away from me when I don't have the strength to die.

Lord, if these things in me bring sufferings to those around me, may You one day use the same things to bless them abundantly.

Lord, if this inferiority complex beneath the superiority complex in me cannot be removed, may You use it to teach me, nurture me, and lead me to greater stage.

Eating and more eating!

I have been meeting up with a couple of good friends lately :)

Went to cafe iguana with pc and mindy on last saturday night. Mexican food and margaritas.

Don't really like the food, but the peach margaritas is really nice and i drank 3 glasses without me knowing, and soon realized that margaritas = alcohol, and got a bit giddy. Enjoyed chilling out with these 2 girls so so much. We bought our very first margaritas! Haha! So funny... we've been talking since our uni days that we should celebrate when we are finally able to earn our salaries etc etc... and now we're celebrating our very first hard-earned margaritas. So cool right :D

Mexican food again just now... this time was Holland Village's El Patio.. the food was average I thought, but I enjoyed the companies. It was pre-reg + shak + gerry. Free dinner somemore :D Haha! And then we hang out at NYDC wheRE I recommended them my favorite Boo-boo! Ate mudpie too!

It's ALL ABOUT BINGING and EATING!

I need to start running before I die during my coming race!!!

Met up with Linda just now and we chatted for very long too. This good friend of mine always has never-ending stories to tell... But the weird thing is, despite many scoldings from me, many scoldings from her, and many stupid things we did, we still enjoy sharing our stories to each other. I really like the way God brings the both of us together :) Anyway gal, the taxi uncle just now was very weird. He drove at 30 km/h throughout and sometimes I caught him staring in blank space/ slightly slow in response --> I was quite terrified by him!

I need to start preparing for my VIVA next week.

Need to start NOW.... like STAT!!!

Goodnight :)

Showers of blessings :)

Met up with Hanwen for movie and dinner last Sunday. I needed to cover the floor on Sunday, but it was half-day and I met Shak awhile to go through project stuff, and she offered to drive me to PS to meet hanwen. So lucky and blessed of me :D It has been a long time since we both watched a movie and I must say that the movie we watched that day was nice and we had a good laugh throughout the movie. The Ugly Truth! Haha, yeaps it's not for kids, but it's funny hee :) After that we had our expensive dinner at LaoBeiJing, eating Beijing duck these and that -- Such a big transformation from student life to working life :)

We have known each other for 9 years already! How time flies :) And every now and then, as I look back, I am always grateful for her presence in my life. I truly miss the foursome gang, and I miss being there for her when she needs me. I must say that university life was a total shock and 100% change for the both of us - we went to different universities, we had different encounters, good and bad, and we grew up a lot during the past four years. No longer as pure and innocent, we've become more complex I guess.

The photo above was taken during our JC2 - when we were the Dance, Deco and Cheers IC of TJC Council. So young and innocent right??? Oh i miss my braces :D

A collage of what happened during my birthday. I had flowers at my doorstep in the morning! It's from my old good friend daniel! We've known each other for 10 years! My gosh I am getting old -_- Yea, he knows me pretty well and knows what I like about flowers too I must say. Thank you friend, truly surprised and I appreciate the thoughts and come home soon! :)

My sister brought me to a nice dinner and I must hereby recommend this restaurant to all of you. It's called DOZO. Don't need to find out more about it, just Go and See for yourself. River Valley Point. Nice Nice Nice! It's a Japanese fine dining restaurant, 7 courses.. Nice :D

Yeaps, I have had a good birthday :)

A Series of [UN]FORTUNATE events

It's October already...

The weird thing is, I often visit my own website and it's actually quite a silly thing to do - because I am just seeing it and not updating it despite there's countless things which I want to say. Time flies, and things happened. And before you knew it, you're over that series of things. More will be coming ahead of you.

How have you been?

Truthfully, I know I have been myself and only myself ever since long time back. Sometimes I really have no time to organize meetings and hanging out with people, simply so loaded. Sometimes, I choose to not go out and just stay home - because all that I want is just being away. I know it's kinda weird, but this is something that happens episode after episode. Somehow, I am so used to it already.

OP rotation had officially come to an end in mid August. I honestly love it loads. Love the team dynamics, the adrenaline rush, the not-so-nice patients, the very grateful patients (and it's these patients who will make your day and give you reason to keep on going), the random stress and incidents here and there...

Something that I hated myself most was to leave with such a bang. I knew no one was there to blame me, but I really felt like crap when it all happened. Such a marvelous history that a pre-reg who's not even 3 months old had so many "incidents". A big part of me was so ashamed by myself, yet a small part of me was telling myself it's ok, what doesn't kill me make me stronger - at least for all that I've done not so correctly, I will make sure I won't do that the same way again.

But the day when it was rolled out during Roll call, it sank deep down into my heart. Trying so hard to look up at the ceiling so that nobody would know that I was tearing. It was just so hard. I just hated myself so so much. For everything. I sat in the toilet and all I could do was just cry and cry. And telling myself I'd better stop crying STAT cos I needed to attend a meeting immediately after roll call.

The period when everything was just oh-so-wrong.

Yet the amazing thing is, it didn't swing me to my lowest point. And my only guess is because I've been through worse shit than that and nothing seemed comparable to that.

And to Shak, Gerry, and every pre-reg, I just want to thank you all for being there to encourage me and reassure me that I would be fine and nobody was blaming me for anything.

I know you were all standing outside the toilet when I was tearing inside. I just wanted to hide and pick myself up, and I just want to always look strong like how I always did. Thank you for believing in me.

Shak, even though you're not reading, I am really grateful for who you are and everything you've done. Thank you for listening, over and over again. Thank you for accepting me the way I am, understanding me that I am human and everyone makes mistakes. Thank you for telling me that it's ok to have emotions. Thank you for being such a friend and preceptor.

To Gerry, I am sorry, but at the same time, I am thankful for what have happened. I know it hits me hard and I have been a little negative at that point of time.

And to Claudine - I really miss OP and seeing you FM-ing, and I don't know why.

Perhaps it's just me. When you said that it's because I never avoid problem and no matter what comes along, I will just go forth and take it, that's why I am predisposing myself more to such incidence. I don't know if it's wrong, but I know if the same things happen again, I will still go forth and take them up, because I should learn to take them up and handle them.

Whatever it is, I am glad that they were bygones and I know I grew up a little..

A break back home was definitely light-heartening and I was so happy to see my niece and my sister.

She is really very adorable :)

I am officially an auntie! oh so old already :(

And my sister surely had a tough fight delivering the baby I know. She's a little weaker. Maybe it's me growing up. I feel that I have more responsibilities. I want to be there for my sister so much. And realizing that I am working and able to provide some support to her and her family made me feel so relieved, and happy at the same time. I like the new mission in me, and I really start liking providing for others, just like how God has always been providing me everything that I need.

After my short break was my first case presentation. It went quite well, and I was relieved and happy. I am deeply comforted by the feedbacks, and I know that God's telling me that when gave me a bolus of sadness, He will ensure that I will have an infusion of peace and blessings later on, as long as I hold onto His love, die to myself, and have my visions right.

Oh and I attended AH's DND with the others too. We won the best-dressed table k! So cool - pre-regs made such an impact wahaha... so happy...

The ever-so-cool and fun-loving pre-reggers :)

Me and Shark

Pre-reg with Gerry - she's my inspiration and ONE of the big reasons why I joined AH

With Claudine!

Yea, so we really had loads of fun :)

AH culture is so different from other hospitals' - we work very hard, and when we play, we go all out too :) I like being at where I am, there are so many things I can provide, give, share and learn. What more can I ask?

So after OP I went to clinics, IT then finally 4 weeks of DI.

Honestly, DI is another favorite!

Enjoyed the challenging stuff the doctors, nurses, pharmacists asked. Finding the answers from the shelves of references and product inserts and online literatures are really very challenging, yet rewarding at the same time. There's so much that you could learn in DI and tomorrow is my last day in DI already. :(

Some questions asked these 2 weeks were - how to treat elephantiasis and do we have these medicines in AH?

How about leprospirosis?

Bactrim for acne vulgaris - severe?

What is nesatidine?

And many many more! Although sometimes people can be nasty too - but it's ok, at least I learn about all the things they asked! So exciting right :)

Tomorrow I am going back to the ward. I really hope things can be better. Somehow, I have started to enjoy the 8 flights of stairs that nobody seem to walk. It gives me moments of silence, secret hideout to pray, I need to listen to God's whispers of encouragement.

Hooi Ching, don't forget that no matter how big how bad how horrible the situation is, it won't be as real as the fact that God is with you and He knows about tomorrow. Do not forget Hooi Ching.. that the God who has been to your tomorrow is here to lead you today. Do not forget that He will not let you suffer more than you could. Do not forget that come what may, all I need is to stay focussed on the only direction. Hooi Ching, just do not forget..

God, please give me courage - to accept things that I cannot change.

Help me to refuse to let what appears to be happening to distress me and cause me to doubt.

Enable me to get my eyes off the things that make me afraid and put them on you instead.

Help me to pray about everything and then, once I have prayed, to leave the answer to that prayer in Your hands.

Amen.

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever
in the next.

Amen

Wrong

Something is wrong with me :(
I keep falling sick.
The degree of lethargy just let me slip into unconscious state every 5 minutes. The whole day.

I really need to find a way to stop falling ill. It's affecting my everything and I cannot afford to take MC AND i have many things to do.

I need a jab!

And I think something is wrong with me lately.
I finally received complaints about me/ something I did wrongly etc.

I need strength.
And I need to remember the warmth of patients' gratitude.

Running my own Race

Hello :) How have you been? I feel weird lately - I kept having people saying sorry to me.

Not sure what "sorry" means to you, but if it is possible, how I wish I can be not "sorried".

Back to the title of today's post - running my own race!

Signed up for SAFRA/AHM run with a few people. But it eventually turned out that I have to run alone because of "sorries". Suddenly I remembered what Linda kept telling me that very Thursday. She spent the whole night lecturing me on loving myself, and stop distributing my all to others and leaving none to myself --> I kept asking her why she always praises me. Linda, if you're reading this, I just wanted to say Thank you. You really made me feel as if I'm the best person on earth! silly ger :) Hugs :)

Yea, so in the end, I have no partner to run the race with. When I thought I could be partner(s) to some others, but life always has its never-ending challenges for me. Didn't blame any of you - really, I know the work loads, I know that you sister demands etc... I am glad that zee reminded me that this is a race which I could run on my own.

You know, suddenly I am being reminded of Fireproof's "You never leave your partner". But ironically, despite me being a faithful follower of God, often I'm the one being left behind - by loved ones, by friends etc... I am not lamenting about my life, I just am amazed how God has used every single thing/people/ stuff in my life to ensure me to be able to walk my life with Him, albeit this is "lonely" in many's eyes.

When I realized that God will be with me throughout the race, I am deeply comforted. And zee also encouraged me a lot. SP, thank you :)

The most I've run was 5km. But I'm sure I can complete my 21km run, as long as I keep moving forward - be it walking or running or running in very baby steps.

And so I went for the race.
And I enjoyed the race - because I have God, the music, the sceneries, and I know sp was waiting for me at the finishing line. :)

To me it's my very first 21km marathon.
Completed within 3 hours (i think I should minus another 10 mins for going to the toilet).
It's not just a normal marathon to me.
I know God is teaching me a huge life lesson.

I have my first medal!
21km finisher :)

First time me and sp joining the same marathon. Thank you so so much :)

*something is wrong with blogspot --> can't post photo! Somehow I got a feeling that it's due to my computer --> it's failing me! HELP NEEDED! *

What is Pain?

Have you ever had nightmares?

Don't know why, I started having nightmares and near to terrors 2 years back. I will have vivid dreams of something that had happened or going to happen, terrified and awakened, and find myself drenching in sweats. And I will be unable to sleep thereafter and keep sweating for the rest of the night.

The repeated contents, the similar dreams, and the seemingly never-ending terror. I know Satan is always toying me around with this.

And I had one on Saturday night again.
No matter how life seems to go on, the ache and pain still linger.
Somehow I thank God for retaining me a glimpse of humanity. For my humanity set others free and I really don't mind bearing the consequences myself. Ironically, I am still able to wake up each day thanking God for the pain, for it is necessary to make me who I am or who I should be. I cannot imagine myself establishing my happiness on others' sufferings.

I must say that God has the most utmost sympathy for me. Besides that matter, He has shown absolute compassion in every other aspects of my life. For example, even though I have been busy with works and sometimes missing fellowships, I still have a bunch of brothers and sisters who will constantly reminding me that they are always there for me for the years that I have left. I have not been devoured by the works or climbing the success ladder, for life is about relationships. Sometimes I wonder why people will sacrifice relationships for money, work, and their own selfish desires. What I can say is, if those things can be exchanged with money, can be bought with money, they are not something you should work very hard for. The glory of success you get from work, the name you yearn to earn for yourself, they are all passing clouds and you can't bring them all when you bid farewell to world.

To continue, even though I am new to the job, and just started dispensing 4 weeks back with my amateur experience in counseling.. but when God sees my sincerity of wanting to give my best to my patients, He rewarded me abundantly. To my amazement, I have patients thanking me for explaining things so clearly to them, the importance of their treatments, the important things to take note of for the medical conditions they are suffering and the medications, I can see the doubts leaving their faces and what remain are 'oh now I know... etc etc..' I am very encouraged when I see that their confusions were gone. And sometimes, I see 1-2 of them coming back to me after paying for their bills, just to thank me. And suddenly I understand that my life is with a purpose, and God can use me to bless others around me, be it patients or colleagues, be it friends or lost friends. I know every single reason why God has meticulously put me in such a place like where I am now, and I'm deeply consoled and become more courageous come what may.

AND I have a very good preceptor whom everyone is envious of. Although we always stay up late to discuss about the project, I will be fetched home by the most awesome MAZDA black car. The conversations, the little transparencies that I could share are really what I deem to be important. What more could I ask when God has carefully selected the most awesome people to be placed around me?

And I have a sister who is consistently showing grace to me. We're buying house soon :) Went to look at a few at bedok south road, but the house is too old and small and we decided to keep searching until God says stop. I really wish to have a house soon because this house will be a place which nobody can kick me away, push me away like how it has been all these years. Sometimes, when people push you away too, home is the best place to hide and cry isn't it? :)

Spent the whole day out yesterday. First was church, then was sentosa and volleyball, last was watching fireproof with the bunch of blessed brothers and sisters. I am so thankful that SL offered to send me home yesterday, and again, for the blow that I had in the morning, God was trying to tell me that He's with me no matter what and as long as He is with me, I do not need to worry.

Come and think of it, I really should count my blessings.
When I need help, Help always comes.
When I need love, Love always comes in different variations which I can easily identify.
When I need to cry, He always listens and whispers into my ears that He knows what's best for me.

At the end of the day, though reluctantly painful, I still must say the pain is good for me.
It draws me to God every single day and it is this unfailing God whom I need most in the storm. The conditions He has placed in me are the best for me. I still have sufficient grace despite the thorn. Living with it for the rest of my life is unbearable, but breaking it down one day at a time seems to make thing more bearable.
When you think you have been through the toughest, suffering the aftermath is nothing, considering you only have that few years left before you bid farewell to world :)
Amen :)


ps: I heard that the movie UP is very nice, if you (anyone!) has time let's go and watch together. I haven't watched movie for a very long time.

My sister is currently in the delivery ward now. She is going to be a real mom soon :) Next year, after my pre-reg, I wish to bring her and baby for a short trip. Any recommendation? :)

ALLO! How's life for you so far?
Life has been busy for me - many things to do, many things to think about, and many things to learn too. However, I am still very thankful that I enjoy and am liking what I've been doing, just that when the physical limitation of my body overwhelm me, it can get quite tiring. :)

So far so good I guess :)

I have one new anticipation these days... that's waiting for the arrival of my niece! My sister has been issued an emergency letter for her labour since last week and the poor hubby and her have been staying at home waiting for the baby to come out. So funny :) oh man, 9 months of waiting and hoola! She's gonna be out real soon!

Went to see some baby products with my sister just now. Believe me, I haven't had the time to do some casual shopping ever since I started working. But I've been reminding myself that life's principle is love your loved ones and myself and I should not let my work overwhelm me and neglect my loved ones. God, give me strength and the wisdom to stand firm on these and to not compromise! I know that this is what You want in my life too!

My last week in OP... in fact I'm quite reluctant to leave OP. I really have enjoyed myself in OP and learnt a lot too. Today a patient thanked me, and I'm sincerely encouraged. Perhaps to you OP is a mad rush. But to me, OP is more than the mad rush. It's about the communication and understanding. I do not know how to express the feelings I have about OP and the daily happenings in OP, I just am very admiring everyone in OP and am touched that they have been patiently guiding me along all these while.

I am such a lucky girl that God has graciously put me around nice people :)

(Hee poor writing skills :( )

Deeply awed :)

Reconciliation with God

I have had a tough week. And I learnt something new from huilin... TGIF. It means thank God it's friday! hm... i was being laughed at for not knowing this famous term. CM further reinforced that this term existed even in malaysia. Alright, I am just too ignorant I guess! haha.

I started developing fever on saturday. Cough ensued quickly. Over just one night, my fever had spiked a high note. Never had over 38.4 C for fever before. So this episode was pretty uncomfy to me. I usually tolerated fever quite well, it didn't even affect me in the past. So yea, this time I was given a 2 days MC. Some medicines, antibiotics inclusive. H1N1? haha, perhaps H2N2. I don't know. My opinion is that it's just hospital acquired infection due to nature of my job and my immunity hasn't always been too good to start with.

I took Monday off, just to have a good rest at home. I need to recuperate before it turns worse. No 2 days MC because there's a project which a NUS student is also handling as part of her project during preceptorship, so I have to be there for the discussion before the execution. I was also reluctant to take another day of MC, for I may miss some invaluable insights that I always gain while on the job.

But God sort of gave me a signal few days back. He sent 3 angels telling me to pace myself, for I have been pushing myself too hard they said. Spiritually, I know the spirit within me has been reminding me that the weariness from working always overwhelm me every single day that I have been cutting down on my time alone with God. The 'me' also warns me that it is the constant communication and fellowship with God and church which sustain me to this very day, and I actually get a bit lost and uneasy when I am unable to spend more time on prayers and attending church meetings.

So God gave me a timely break. To pause, and reflect. And to realign my priorities, before I get lost in a sea of learnings and homeworks or works. Honestly, I appreciate that calling very much. I am also very thankful that God didn't let me continue doing what the world seems to always has been doing (and it's called norm) and He gave me a wake-up call before things become messier.

One day of rest. One day of thoughts and prayers.

Although the cough still lingers till today, I am happy that fever is gone. Starting from wednesday, I also developed very serious diarrhea. Huilin said I lost weight tremendously. Haha! I don't know if I should be happy or sad. Went A&E and get my meds. Hopefully the health can only get better from now on.

This week is also my 5th week in OP. I am starting to feel a little sad, for I have grown to love OP, and reluctant to leave. Nonetheless, I know I have to move on to another station, for I might love the next station too!

Started dispensing this week too. Finally I grew to know the drugs and therapy better. As I counsel, I learn; as I observe other pharmacists dispensing, I learn too. I feel that everyday of working is rewarding, cos I learn many little small things bit by bit everyday. Now I truly know what it means by Learning is a Journey. It doesn't stop after school, but it keeps on going even when you are working. And I know even the most senior pharmacist is learning everyday too!

So yea, you can see me dispensing at outpatient pharmacy already! Starting from the short scripts, slowly going to the longer ones. The only hope within me is to be able to provide answers to patients and hopefully I can be the last stop of all their queries regarding their health/ medications. I know it's not easy, but I know God honors this little wish of mine, and I know He puts me in a place for reason.

I don't know why, whenever I can associate what ever things that I am doing has a reason, and has been carefully planned by God, I feel hopeful. And the good thing is, dispensing has been good so far. :)

Another piece of good news. Every pre-reg has to do oncology traning too. My hospital doesn't have an oncology unit, so normally they send pre-reggers to NCC for training. I have been wishing and praying that there is a change of plan this year so that I can don't go NCC for training (reasons... hm... I will tell you next time, if you ask!). It doesn't seem possible in fact, because NCC is the only place in SG providing extensive cancer services and treatment.

BUT.
As I received the latest schedule, I am utterly impressed and happy.
I am going to John Hopkins for my oncology attachment!!! WHEE!
It happens that NCC has restrictions on the number of intake and only 3 out of 5 of us are going NCC and ..... I am going JH!

There's always hope in God :)

Commencement 2009

The future doesn't lie ahead of you, waiting to happen -
It lies deep inside of you, waiting to be discovered.

Life is a journey

Last Saturday was our graduation dinner. Despite the hectic schedule and endless homeworks, we managed to have a fun time together at Hilton hotel. :)

Time flies.
4 years of university life had just ended and now we are all working already!
Again, I must say, learning is a journey, AND happiness is not a station we arrive at, but the manner of our traveling.

To my fellow classmates, congratulations and may we excel in the paths we are undertaking :)
I am really glad that our commencement run has left a legacy to our juniors!

Make a Smilebox photobook

3 weeks into pre-reg...

COming to the end of my 3rd week in outpatient pharmacy.

I like outpatient pharmacy, not sure if OP likes me too. Time passes very quickly when you're in OP, esp unknowingly, you have seen 500+ prescriptions pushing out to the counter to be dispensed. I remembered first week at OP, my legs were like detached from my body at the end of the day, I practically can no longer FEEL the presence of my legs.

Try standing from 8+ am to 6pm with only ard 45 mins of sitting time in between.
Perhaps you'll like the utter numbness.
Plus the shoes - they're killing me.

Second week in OP - I think the legs weariness was no longer that severe.

Now that I'm in OP for 3 weeks already, I can proudly say that I've developed tolerance to long hours of standing. Sometimes you won't even realize that you've been standing for so long. And thank God, I am adapting already.

I like doing counter 1. You get to see all patients coming to the pharmacy, cos you're to issue them a Q no, and answer their queries. And I always see the carebear at the end of the shelves. Come to my pharmacy and you'll see a whole shelf of Carebear! So cute - and I bought 2 in just 1 week - one cos is yt's bdae, one is cos HL's getting for her bf - aww so sweet :D

Nonetheless, the longer I spent in OP - the more i realize how stupid and useless I am.
Some days, I felt really sad because of my slowness in learning certain kills, I actually clogged up the workflow in the pharmacy. I feel so stupid and useless :( Worse still, I have my comfort food at the end of the day - Mc Donalds, to relieve my sense of incompetency.

Today, I actually am very happy cos I typed more than yesterday - and slightly faster than yesterday. Maybe I should stay back after working hours to familiarize with the shortcuts etc then I won't be so slow anymore!

Give me time.
And God, I'm so thankful that the people in OP are very considerate and tolerant to me. I can't ask for more!

I stayed back on Tuesday just to learn about the creams and ointment.
Finally I decided that I must put a stop to this many feeling of stupidity and start doing something. Anything. But I also realize that I'm a slow learner - 2 hours and I only managed to know the availability and the potencies of the creams - and their roles in treatment. But nvm, I'll try harder next time!

Ask me about creams/ ointments. Anything! I will answer to the best I can, and if I cannot, I will find the answer out, I promise.

I need to stop thinking and start doing SOMETHING!

I have some thoughts today and I think it'll be nice to write it down before I jump into work again.

I like AH :)

I know I'm incompetent, but every day I find more reason to want to be a pharmacist.

I like the people here.

And I think i like outpatient pharmacy more and more.

If you are free, come to AH to visit me. I'm in the outpatient pharmacy at the main lobby, you probably need to identify me through my eyes cos I'll be wearing mask.

I want to be a pharmacist.

And I am glad that I am growing more passionate towards this profession which is so un-noticed amongst the many healthcare professionals.

:)

Blue Skies

On days of gray
When doubt clouds my view
It's so hard to see past my fears
My strength seems to fade
And it's all I can do
To hold on, 'til the light reappears
Still, I believe though some rain's bound to fall
That you're here next to me
And you're over it all

Lord, the sky's still blue
For my hope is in you
You're my joy
You're the dream that's still alive
Like the wind at my back
And the sun on my face
You are life
You're grace
You are blue skies
You're my blue skies
When nights are long
Seems the dark has no end
Still we walk on in light of the truth
For waiting beyond
Where the morning begins
Is the dawn, and you're mercy anew
Oh, to believe we're alive in you're love
There is so much to see
If we keep looking up

You fill the heavens with hope and a higher love
A picture, a promise for life

Today is my 3rd day of work. Yes, hc has officially joined the working adults world. I am feeling quite sad and reluctant about it. Nonetheless, I know that with the beginning of this new phase, God will continue to show me His perfect will in this new journey.

Waking up is a torture so far. Although the official working hour is from 9-5.30pm, but I usually have to reach by 7.30 for clinical forum, 8am for CE ( a form of discussion/ lectures involving pharmacists and technicians). The greatest consolation is that, I am not the only who has to wake up so early. The whole pharmacy dept is there despite it is so early. I really benefit from the clinical forums - this is a session whereby the more senior doctors will share some information about practising etc etc.

I think I am in the right hospital. I remember how in the other hospital, I used to be struggling very hard to gain as much clinical knowledge.. because the culture was such that the more knowledgeable people = the more competent people.

I like AH for its culture.
Patient at the heart of focus.
I see how everything every dept does is to bring better quality of care to the patients coming to this hospital. And I am truly glad that I'm here because it's this passion that will make me stay happy in this profession. So yea, if you ask me how different AH is from the other hospital I did my attachment at - it's the focus of the hospital I guess and the culture. I think these combination suits me better :)

It's a tough fight I have to say, but I know every pre-regers are going through this together too.

Anyway, I need to find time to read Toyota Production System hee!

Thoughts

When I went to China last week, I stayed in a small farm village with my relatives. Long-distance relatives? Not very sure for the past history was very complicated.

Nonetheless, I had a good experience staying with them, and I enjoyed every moment and simplicity presented right in front of me.

The people there are poor, but they never feel lacking of anything. They don't lack of money, because they can survive every day through everything that is available to them. If they need to cook, they will get the fresh vegetables and potatoes from their own farm; they don't lead luxurious life like us... they don't need nice clothes, nice watches, nice hair etc etc...


The farms




This is where the water comes from... Underground water is so refreshing :)

I have much reflections then and now, but they are all beyond words can tell..

The basic of life. Live everyday one day at a time, and being contented with what you have and not thinking about what you don't have.

On a side note, I got bitten by sand fly and and I think it's quite bad :( They are very itchy and swollen and doctor said I have to be on medication for 20 days. Luckily it's oral medication, John was saying he needed to take 2 jabs when he got them last time in army. Thank God!

Tommorow is my first day of work.

Just now I had a heated argument with him and I felt so hurtful for what he said and I told myself not to shed a tear in front of him. Why is my existence in this world such an undesirable thing to him? How can I not feel this way when I was treated like this from young till this very day?

Is my birth into this world so annoying to you? Why why why??

Today I have an awful feeling which I fear much.
So many moments of helplessness, prayers, and silences but they all failed to take this awful feeling away.

God, when will this end :(
Is it because I am starting work?
Or is it because I have this conviction that things inside won't change despite the work?

Please let me wake up in heaven Lord.


Hopefully by then I won't have my lion head with me too.

Contentment

I think I’ve NEVER taken so many flights in such a short time span. During my 20-days Australia trip, I took 4 internal flights and 2 international flights, at least. How I wish I can witness someone needing to give birth while on plane but it never happened. I have to leave on a jet plane in 4 hours and sleeping at this time is not a good idea because I will not get a REM sleep.

My niece is coming up this August, and I’ve been thinking what English name I should give her. (I have quite a large autonomy in this area hahaha!)

I like the name Paul. But it’s not for girl. Maybe I’ll name my nephew Paul in I have one. Yes, Paul is one of my favourite characters in the bible.

Not sure if you’re as silly as me, but have you ever wondered why Paul always liked to express joy and give thanks for every single thing that happened to him? He seemed to be able to translate every adverse situation as some thing good. More than that, he actually internalized the ‘good thing’. The whole book of Philippians is to tell believers that God knows our needs and promises to provide for them. We are to trust him with an attitude of thanksgiving and find contentment in what we are given.

Bible always says ‘ask God for everything you need Phil 4:6’.

But do you have times when the one thing you want is the one thing you never get? You’re not being demanding, and you think that you really ask according to God’s words – and all you want is an open door or an extra day or an answered prayer – for which you will be thankful.

But no answer.

Have you ever questioned yourself – what if God says no?

What if the request is delayed or even denied??

What if God says no, and says ‘my grace is sufficient for you’.

Another question – Will you be contented?

Contentment. That’s the word. Heart of being at peace even if God gave you nothing more than he already has. You plead him to keep your child alive, your business afloat, your cancer cells die away on its own – what if God says – My grace is sufficient for you. Will you be contented?

If you are contented, can you tell me why?

And one very important question - Is God still a good God when He says no?